Anyone new to aging parents in a nursing home, together, with dementia? Dad basically bed-ridden, mother mobile but will not leave him. Please share your experiences.

If you are up for a move I would look for a place that offers both nursing home and assisted care in the same building, that way whether she chooses to live with him or on the AL side she would still have the ability to meet with the AL residents and take part in their activities.

Otherwise - extricate yourself from the middle, tell you family to talk to mom about it not you.

My father placed my mother in NH for respite care but was there from early morning to late night. He didn't get the respite he needed and died within a week of her going in. I am now supporting my mother in NH, managing all financial and medical needs. I have a full-time job, teenage kids and a husband that travels frequently. I have no support.

At first I tried to visit multiple times a week, but that wasn't sustainable. I was neglecting all other areas of my life and was miserable.

Are you feeling pressure from family members because you are devoting all of your time to them? Are you visiting all of the time? I felt I needed to visit all of the time because I felt guilty for leaving my mother in a NH. I think this is normal but totally wrong. She is in the best place for her care level needs and realistically there are no other options. There is no reason to feel guilt and I can now balance my time and be present for all the other people in my life.

For many older people, being together in a NH is about as good as it gets. Do they both have dementia? Why do you want mother to separate in an AL? Do you really feel that you are “in charge of your parents’ lives at this point”? Is this a good attitude?

If you are trying to make your parents do what you want, perhaps it’s not surprising if your spouse isn’t on side. How much time are you spending visiting or worrying about this – or trying to talk about it?