We placed my MIL into a very nice facility yesterday. We had been discussing this with her for some time now. Different reactions on different days, from being a little sad, to knowing it was needed, but never angry. When she got up, we told her that today was the day. Immediately she got furious. " We weren't taking her anywhere, I'd rather die first, You both are DEAD to me, never come see me again, "I'll find a way to just die". She ate, went back to lay down still claiming she wasn't going. When she gets back up, she starts screaming again over and over. She looks at us with hatred, spitting on the floors, tried to spit on me, but wasn't standing close enough to get me. After several attempts to get her dressed as she said "Where I'm going it won't matter if I'm naked" and started taking off all her clothes in front of her son, my husband which I know she would be ashamed of if she were within her right mind. We finally get her dressed, in the car, she is still cussing, spitting in disgust at us. We go down the driveway, she looks back at our home and says "Bye house. I hope someone comes and breaks every window in your house". Just crazy talking. After arriving at the facility which is extremely nice, and small, only 20 patients, she jumps out of the car because she's home and for us to "leave and never come back," to "I can't believe my own family is throwing
me away", to "I hope you have 200 children and NONE of them want you". So while I didn't expect it to go easy today, my questions are first, is this type of behavior in dementia/alzheimers normal or typical? Why yesterday did she remember the sequence of events happening ALL day long when normally she can't even remember where she is from minute to minute or sometimes thinks she's in a home already because our house is large and always wants to know where the other residents are. She came to us from a facility she shared with my FIL after he passed away. And to be honest, in driving away to come back home after dropping her off, I felt a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I am relieved and I am quite ashamed to say that for the first time in an extremely long 6 months, (only 6 months!!!) that I am happy. And I feel ashamed admitting that. I certainly don't want my husband to know this. I had the honor and privilege of taking care of my mother when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at only 60 years old. She was diagnosed, treated with radiation and passed away within the space of 3 months. From the minute she found out, she was always caring, appreciative of the things my sister and I did for her, always thanking us, telling us how she loved us and never complained. While she didn't have dementia, the tumor did sometimes make her not realize some things and get confused about who someone was, or where she was at times. I am not romanticizing that as I know people can sometimes think their passed loved one were perfect. She wasn't perfect, but she also never complained or whined about her situation, the complete opposite of my MIL since she has come to live with us. So last question, is this, are my feelings about my MIL and being happy now that she's not in our home normal and typical or am I comparing the two experiences and find that I would never have been able to care for her or have as much compassion as I should have because of my experience caring for my own mom. While I do feel guilty about it, its not enough to make me unhappy. Am I just a horrible person? I'm sorry this is so long....
Who wouldn't feel relieved if not at peace and intensely grateful for the quiet?
I wonder why you feel or believe how you feel is wrong/not okay in some ways? Do you allow yourself to feel without judgment? Where does this come from?
Do you know that 'all' feelings are okay because you feel them: Feelings / emotions change based on situation, hormones, self-care, reframing - and how a person learns to process through them.
There are 'no shoulds.' A good place to start thinking about in relation to how you feel about yourself.
I would recommend you see a therapist to get the tender loving support that will benefit you, and a safe place to sort out your feelings and self-expectations.
Depending on the nature of their impairment,condition,or disease the road could take many sharp turns.
There is nothing wrong in rejoicing in normalcy.I am a caregiver twice over and look forward to the day I too can rejoice.Enjoy getting your life back.
I don’t know if the guilt ever fully dissipates but in my case when I feel guilty again ( more than I care to admit ) I try to remember how many people it takes to help my mom, and that makes me realize that they are doing a much better job than I could, no matter what mom says.
I hope you find more peace, and many blessings