I'm from Canada and need advice on how to help my mother. She needs assisted living but refuses. She's the most difficult person I know hands down. Because of her temper, living with me and my family isn't an option. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
Does Mum have an up to date Will, POA, Heathcare Representative(medical POA), and Advanced Directive prepared?
Here in B.C. I know personally 2 people who went into nursing homes after getting a referral from their GP.
Also in BC, even if you do not designated Heathcare Representative, you can write Or call in to the persons GP outlining your concerns. I know 2 people who did this one about concerning behaviour, the other about a spot that turned out to be cancer. Each time the doctor called in the patient for an appointment without mentioning the contact from the family member.
It is best to approach the doctor as unemotionally as possible. Provide a list of your concerns, with dates and outcomes.
ie:
I am concerned about nutrition and cooking. 4 times in the last month I found rotten food in the fridge and burnt pots on the stove.
such a difficult step in caring for our parents. I wish you strenth and serenity .
In Quebec, the very helpful thing is to get a social worker involved. They can assist with all aspects of the situation, have good advice for what to do for your mom and how to get around obstacles. They can also help you on how to handle this from your side of it.
Also, here the POA can be effective as soon as it is signed but it is different from a Protection mandate, more info here : https://www.curateur.gouv.qc.ca/cura/en/majeur/client/prevoyant/mandat/type.html
I know rules are different in other provinces.
I have heard the advice to try to make the person feel like they are in control. The angle is to make them understand that it is better to do it now when they can decide where to go, what to take with them etc.
Also, when the advice comes from health care professionals and not family, it is sometimes easier. No emotional parent-child issues involved. Sometimes getting her doctor or even friends who are in care facilities to make suggestions can help.
The " I know you can still be independent, but it would make us feel so much better if we knew you were well surrounded and safe just in case something happens. Plus you will be able to enjoy this or that ( of there are activities she likes- flower gardens, music etc) " .
For many, sadly but effectively, temporary care needed after a hospitalisation or other medical needs was the opportunity to turn that into a permanent move.
All situations are unique, but one thing is not : it is hard and asking for help and taking care of yourself in this marathon is essential.
If you haven't yet, I would have her assign you POA for finance and Medical. It won't be effective until she is determined incompetent to handle her own affairs but its a great tool.
Just had the discussion on the forum on how to get a parent to agree to a POA. My reply was to explain without assigning someone POA their life may end up in the hands of the State. Lets say Mom lands in the hospital and then rehab. Its found in rehab that she needs 24/7 care. You say you have no authority to make decisions for her and she can't live with you. In the states a NH/rehab facility can not do an "unsafe discharge". So the NH will apply to the Court to have a guardian assigned. That guardian would make all the decisions concerning Moms care. She would have no say or you. You may want to see how that would work in Canada.
I would tell Mom this scenario. I have a friend this just happened to. She had been in the hospital and then rehab at least 3x in as many months. She suffers from Parkinsons, diabetes and heart. She overdosed once on her pain pills, broke her leg another time, not sure about this last time but she is now in a NH till she dies at the age of 71. Because, she needs 24/7 care and no one is willing to do it and she has no money for homecare. Unsafe discharge. So she lost her apt, everything in it and her dog. This may not have happened if she had taken advantage of the resources available to her previously.