Is he a veteran? They recently changed their guidelines - but if he is a veteran - there may be options available via Veterans Benefits either through in home care or Nursing Home care if he qualifies. We used this benefit with my FIL several years ago to attend my nephew's wedding to bring someone in to stay with him while we were out of town. It didn't cover the cost of all of his care, since he needed 24/7, as he only had a certain number of hours, but it took a huge chunk out of it.
Does your loved one have Medicaid or Medicare? They might qualify for respite under either of these. Check online. Otherwise, ask family, friends, and members of your faith community for help. People that you know may be willing to help for a couple of hours now and then or weekly. However, you will probably need to pay somebody for a lengthy (4+ hours daily and/or several days) respite.
Some Senior Centers have a Volunteer group that will "companion sit" with someone they can not do "Hands on care" and usually the time is limited to 3 or 4 hours. If your husband is a Veteran the VA may have programs that he would be eligible for. (and if he is a Veteran YOU can get paid to care for him) If he is eligible for Hospice Medicare, Medicaid and most other insurance will cover Respite (almost 1 week) each year.
No one is going to provide free respite care for you. Medicare pays for I believe ten days resoite care per year in a nusring home/memory care facility.
At this point you should seriously consider placing your husband. Of course he is resistant to anyone but you caring for him, but this is very common with dementia and with the elderly who do not have dementia.
It is not his choice to make though. You cannot continue 24/7 because that will not end well. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the person they are caregiving for. Think about that. Would your husband be better off of you worked yourself to your grave?
No, he would not be better off.
Yes, he will probably decline if he's placed in care, but he will get used to it. He will have to. You can be his advocate and make sure he is well cared for.
Please consider placement for his sake and your own.
Since you are near Charoltte and in need of a support group go to alz.org/NC and choose western NC. They have an office in Charlotte. Search for the support group link and you can choose either in person or virtual that I see meets at 10 am once a month. They should also have an 800 number for personalized questions but any funding comes from your county social services. I have the feeling that he will still resist any in home care even though he tells you to do something. It is the nature of the disease. An ideal situation could be a day care which gets him out of the house for a few hours. At some point you and your sister will need to gang up on him and tell him that he needs a helper and that he needs to follow your instructions.
Contact your county council on aging. I am in York county SC. There is an annual stipend that I could apply towards custodial care. It looks like this will be a non negotiable issue with him and that respite will be in a facility. Do not choose care at home in this situation
Is he on hospice? Hospice has volunteers that will come for brief visits for you to run errands or get away for a short while, lunch with a friend, etc.
It is a fine balance providing care w/o abusing oneself.
Try contacting your local Area Agency on Aging to see what services they offer.
If your DH qualifies for hospice, they offer respite. Please don’t assume he doesn’t qualify w/o having him evaluated. My DH aunt has been on hospice now at least 3 years.
And yes, he might very well decline when he isn’t with you. You are declining because you are forced to be with him non stop. You have to matter too. You are also a person who deserves care. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter what he wants but his life is not the only one being affected.
My cousin cared for her mom with Parkinson’s for many years and she finally had to accept that she had to have respite. It was a big help for her when her mom started receiving hospice care.
I too live in NC and am not aware of any free assistance available, other than perhaps members from your church or friends that would be kind enough to come give you a break. Also Senior Services or in my city the Shepherd Center has volunteers that will come stay a few hours so you can get a break. You can also take him to your local Adult Daycare Center where he can stay 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day, which would give you plenty of time to get done what you need to. Ours does a wonderful job with keeping the folks occupied and fed breakfast, lunch and a snack. However that is not free, but they do offer financial assistance for those who need it. It is so very important that you take care of yourself during this journey with your husband as the statistics say that 40% of caregivers will die before the one they're caring for. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will. I wish you well in finding the help you need.
Thank you. I am very tired at times. My husband is 79 and very large man. I live close to Charlotte nc. My church is awesome. They have ask me what they can do to help. My husband does not want anyone but me with him. He tells me to go do stuff, but when I decide to do something for myself he goes down hill very rapidly and I can’t leave. I need a support group.
If your husband is a Veteran the VA may have programs that he would be eligible for. (and if he is a Veteran YOU can get paid to care for him)
If he is eligible for Hospice Medicare, Medicaid and most other insurance will cover Respite (almost 1 week) each year.
At this point you should seriously consider placing your husband. Of course he is resistant to anyone but you caring for him, but this is very common with dementia and with the elderly who do not have dementia.
It is not his choice to make though. You cannot continue 24/7 because that will not end well. Something like 50% of caregivers die before the person they are caregiving for.
Think about that. Would your husband be better off of you worked yourself to your grave?
No, he would not be better off.
Yes, he will probably decline if he's placed in care, but he will get used to it. He will have to. You can be his advocate and make sure he is well cared for.
Please consider placement for his sake and your own.
I have the feeling that he will still resist any in home care even though he tells you to do something. It is the nature of the disease.
An ideal situation could be a day care which gets him out of the house for a few hours. At some point you and your sister will need to gang up on him and tell him that he needs a helper and that he needs to follow your instructions.
It is a fine balance providing care w/o abusing oneself.
Try contacting your local Area Agency on Aging to see what services they offer.
If your DH qualifies for hospice, they offer respite. Please don’t assume he doesn’t qualify w/o having him evaluated. My DH aunt has been on hospice now at least 3 years.
And yes, he might very well decline when he isn’t with you.
You are declining because you are forced to be with him non stop. You have to matter too. You are also a person who deserves care. I’m not saying it doesn’t matter what he wants but his life is not the only one being affected.
My cousin cared for her mom with Parkinson’s for many years and she finally had to accept that she had to have respite. It was a big help for her when her mom started receiving hospice care.
https://www.gastongov.com/443/Adult-Aging-Services
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/results?searchType=Hospice&page=1&city=Mount%20Holly&state=NC&zipcode=&sort=alpha&tealiumEventAction=Landing%20Page%20-%20Search&tealiumSearchLocation=search%20bar
Also Senior Services or in my city the Shepherd Center has volunteers that will come stay a few hours so you can get a break.
You can also take him to your local Adult Daycare Center where he can stay 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day, which would give you plenty of time to get done what you need to.
Ours does a wonderful job with keeping the folks occupied and fed breakfast, lunch and a snack. However that is not free, but they do offer financial assistance for those who need it.
It is so very important that you take care of yourself during this journey with your husband as the statistics say that 40% of caregivers will die before the one they're caring for.
If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.
I wish you well in finding the help you need.