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I recently received POA-property for my 84yr old Mom. She has cognitive dysfunction but still is able to care for herself in her home with some oversight from my SIL and my mom's younger brother who lives in the house with her. I live across the country from her. My brother and SIL live close by. Since assuming responsibility for her financials and bills I have learned she is in very good shape in that regard. I also learned that she has been supporting my brother and SIL. I strongly believe in helping family however, when I learned my brother and SIL have had years long history of very poor to non existent money management, I'm pretty angry. They are not bad people. My SIL has been VERY wonderful and helpful taking care of Mom. She is takes her to Dr appointments, organizes her meds and more all despite her own medical and mobility issues. Yet this woman has no concept of financial restraint or household budget. They live from paycheck to paycheck, are horrendously in debt and continue to live like nothing is wrong and no efforts to change habits. Mom pays for all car repairs, vet bills, lawn care, some groceries, has replaced appliances, the list is long!


Mom, in her more lucid times, knows she helped create the problem by repeatedly bailing them out and being a constant safety net. But she can NOT say NO. I don't wish to completely cut off helping my family, but I'll be damned if I allow Mom's resources be sucked away by people not willing to take some responsibility for themselves. However, being legally bound by the POA I'm required to use Mom's money as she wishes. Any suggestions?

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I have a different point of view about money from many people.

But OP, the bottom line is, I think you must follow your conscience and do what you feel is right: only you know your family members, and all the reasons that led to your brother being financially dependent.

Here is my view on money:
1. If the world valued the right things, your brother and SIL might actually be millionaires (lovingly caring for your mother).
2. Other people who have so-called "jobs" might be penniless, because in my view, some "jobs" aren't really jobs. Just the fact that you get paid, in my opinion, doesn't mean you're actually doing a job.
3. Just because our laws say, this is a "job" doesn't make it a job.
4. Just because our laws say, this isn't a "job" doesn't mean it's not a job. For example, all the thousands of hours our mothers, through all generations in the history of humankind, have helped their families, raised their children, unpaid.

Regarding you OP:
1. If your brother borrowed money from his mother, I see nothing wrong with it.
2. Many families help each other financially. I see nothing wrong with it.
3. The one who helps the most the mother, loses many hours, which they could have used to earn money, get a well-paid job.
4. Many adult children who care (for example for their mother) end up in this vicious circle: they're kind, they help, they lose time, they get poorer, they need some way to earn money, but the mother needs more help and needs more of their time, they lose job opportunities.

I look forward to the day the world values (financially) the right things, and rewards - financially - the right people.

I'd like to see, who is poor then.
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NightHeron May 2022
You make some good points. I also have sympathy for the OP's position. The brother and SIL are a little "moochy." But considering that they've done a lot to keep the mother from having to go into a $10,000/month assisted living, and to keep the OP from having to move across the country to be the hands-on caregiver, the gifting has not been *that* bad. Some vet bills (for animals that may bring the mother some joy), some new appliances (on which meals for the mother are probably cooked), some auto repairs (on a car that's probably used to cart the mother around). It's not exactly wholesale grifting. This "I'll be damned if" sentiment is a little dramatic. They're not stealing thousands of dollars to buy drugs with.

Reel in the spending, sure. But weigh what mother is getting out of the arrangement (getting to stay in her home, being cared for by an unrelated woman who is likable), and what you're getting out of the arrangement, against what is being taken from her/you.
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I'm not an attorney, but have a lot of personal experience in a similar situation. Here is what I have learned.

If there are no medical records stating mom lacks capacity, then as her POA, you are not only responsible for paying her bills, but also for spending her money as she directs. This has consequences, because if she has to go to an Assisted Living, the cost will be about 10,000 per month. That is not sustainable for extended periods of time for most people, even if they have hundreds of thousands of dollars saved. Once her money runs out, she will need to apply for medicaid, and be transferred to a facility that accepts medicaid. Medicaid will review all her spending for the last 2-5 years, and will not allow for unaccounted spending to count towards her financial criteria. Which leaves not only you, but your sibling, in a bind.

If you do have medical records stating that mom is cognitively diminished, or lacks capacity (ie, dementia or mild dementia), then your role as POA changes drastically. At that point, legally, you can only spend money on things that benefit mom. You can pay for things she wants, but only if they directly benefit her. Any spending which does not benefit her is considered financial exploitation of a vulnerable adult, which is a criminal charge. However, your sister in law is providing a legitimate service for your mom, and it seems your mom, in lieu of paying her directly, is gifting her things she needs. For legal and insurance reasons, this needs to change.

Meet with your brother and sil. Explain that mom may need to go to assisted living and apply for medicaid in the future. Because of this, you need to change the way they are reimbursed for their care of her. Explore stay at home caregiving costs, and pay them accordingly. (It sounds to me like mom is getting about $5,000 per month worth of care from sister in law (the going rate in my area for daily caregiving).) Do not overinflate the salary, because you must be careful not to exploit mom to benefit your family members, either. However, the level of care they are providing definately has value.
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Dnawill Jun 2022
From the perspective of someone who has experienced both financial-predator in-laws and sibling/relatives who won’t lift a finger to help with my 91 yo mother, ClaraKate’s advice is great! I would love to have a family member willing to help provide care because the journey can be long (going on 18 yrs for me) and gets exhausting!

AKKaren, there is so much value to you and your mother in having someone willing to be hands-on with her. Make a contractual agreement for a set amount in exchange for care, no bailouts, and establish a way to verify they actually perform the care that you’re paying them to do. You can’t change the way SIL handles her finances but you can eliminate the bailouts.
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One solution would be to pay your sister in law from Mum's funds for all the care giving work she is doing.

Explain to your bother and sister in law, that Mum's finances must be used to cover her costs, which include all the help SIL is providing. Pay her a proper wage , legally.
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Is your POA immediate or Springing. Springing meaning you need one or two Doctors making a formal diagnosis of Dementia. If its immediate you may be able to do something. You may want to talk to a lawyer to get a good meaning of what your POA allows you to do. Make it an elder lawyer.

For me, Mom was found incompetent. So her finances were now in my hands. I knew exactly how much money she had. Which was not a lot. If she had been supporting a sibling, that person would be told they were no longing getting anything from her. Actually, my disabled nephew was living with her and out of the money he was receiving, he paid her room and board.

I would look at it this way, she paid them to care for her. It would have cost her to hire someone to do what your brother and SIL did. Your Mom has cognitive problems with this comes not being able to reason. Moms really not in the place to make informed decisions. Thats were the POA comes in. You need to sit down with brother and SIL and thank them for all they have done and will do for Mom. If Mom gets worse cognitive wise, she may need care in a NH. You all need to understand what that means. It means at least 10k a month in the NH private pay. It means when the money starts running out, Mom will need to apply to Medicaid. Most states have a 5 yr look back. Within that time Medicaid looks at bank statements and may question any large purchases. Buying a refrigerator for DB is a gift, it can cause a penalty and Mom cannot receive Medicaid until the penalty period is done. Have figures showing that Moms money needs to be conserved or it won't last.

As POA you are there to protect Moms money not carry on what she did before. As POA, you can pay your SIL for what she does. Have a contract written up by a lawyer, explaining the duties she is being paid to do and how much she will be paid. Medicaid will except this as part of her care. This contract may change as Moms needs become more. I think this can be done without accusing anyone or telling them to learn to budget their money. You may want to say that you noticed Mom has been helping them out and your hoping by paying SIL this will help them out because you can no longer pay out for the things Mom has been. The money she has is for her bills and any future care she needs. And maybe some day she will need care in a NH with Medicaid paying. If so, her SS and any pension will go towards her care.

Really, brother has to realize Mom will not always be there. She could pass tomorrow. What a shock that would be. Mom no longer there to hand out money. Now we have to mow our own lawn and get rid if the animal we can't afford.
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Sarah3 Jun 2022
I only read the top line about dementia and went to reply, I didn’t bother reading the rest bc I wanted to address this since the op clearly stated she doesn’t have dementia has a sound mind and able to live on her own with some assistance ( mild cognitive is not dementia)
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As the poa, you are legally responsible to spend moms money on her own care.

Request an accounting of hours and duties from SIL. The SIL should be paid for her services at a competitive rate for the services she provides. Other than that, there should be no subsidies to them from your mom.
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Sarah3 Jun 2022
This means as the pos the op needs to start paying, may owe her back pay as well considering all she’s done, a top notch caregiver as op reports SIL are recognized as not at all easy to find and compensation is competitive
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Suggestion is to give you the good news, there isn’t a need to fix something that’s not broken
What was the reason you decided to get poa for your moms money as you said she’s of overall sound mind in her early 80’s and able to live on her own ? Younger sibling and wife are extremely helpful to her you report, and her finances appear in excellent standings. Curious under those circumstances why you would have a desire for poa, you mentioned you live across the country as well
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My first reaction is not printable. Your brother and SIL have been and continue to care for your mom while you live your life. And do a wonderful job, you say. But you’re angry that your mom’s appreciation is reciprocated by helping them financially…. because, one can only assume, you believe their efforts should be free? Or you won’t inherit as much?

You give an excellent impression of the clueless relative. Your brother and duster in law ARE being responsible caregivers. Do you have any idea of the stress, the emotions, the day to day time and energy it takes to care for an elder parent, much less one who has problems with lucidity?

Your mother has instructed you to follow her wishes. The bills aren’t frivolous. Just do it.

And for a point of reference, a caregiver I knew got $60,000/year plus employer 8% social security contributions, room, board and access to the car. Housekeeping not a part of the job description.
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Tknox123 Jun 2022
Amen! This question triggered me as well.
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As poa your responsible for paying for care she receives, since you already stated SIL does a tremendous amount you can either continue to allow the current arrangement or start paying sil a hefty paycheck for all she does, you state you live across the country so you aren’t involved in helping at all, the help SIL gives you won’t find from a random non related caregiver. Any caregiver you hire would not do all the extras sounds like the sister does without an expectation of being paid for every minute of it. I would leave it as it is sounds like you were able ti see her finances are in good order so there isn’t anything to fix unless like some others said you begin immediately paying the sister a generous paycheck
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Good Afternoon,

Folks let me chime in...don't you love it, if I were King for a day, this is what I would do.

Bottom line: Who shows up in life and who is doing all the work? Whether it's paid or unpaid, the caregiver is busting their hump. Enough said...
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Deirdrem Jun 2022
Well said Ireland!
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Mom pays for all car repairs, vet bills, lawn care, some groceries, has replaced appliances, the list is long!
If I am reading this right, they LIVE with Mom, so would the appliances not be hers? Is the lawn not hers? Does she love the pets? And whose car, and does she get driven to and fro in it? I'm not being smart arssed .. just asking. Since you say her financials are in good shape,, I would be happy to have those things covered as they are taking great care of her.An you don;t seem to be a position to do those things that they are done. They sound pretty wonderful to me!
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SSAretired Jun 2022
It is mom’s younger brother who lives with her. The DIL and son live nearby who can’t seem to manage their money.
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