I am the durable/financial/ POA for my mother (72 yo), who lived alone and independently. She had a life-event (CHF) in mid-February this year, and I suspected that something else cognitively was going on as well since December 2020. During her hospitalization, I demanded that the doctors test her. Based on those initial results, they recommended further follow-up with a geriatric Internist.
Post-hospitalization, we followed up and had her more formally tested (MMSE). Her Geriatric Internist suspects other medical conditions may be a factor and does not want to formally diagnose her (with Dementia) until she is under treatment for 4-6 months then assess her again. During her hospitalization recovery, we have hired a 5-day week care-giver to assist her with treatment plans, health and medication checks, social, physical, and mental engagement. My brother and I support these activities on weekend (alternating) so that it is not such a financial crush while she can still somewhat make meals.
I had a chance to peek into her finances, and I am appalled. She has more credit card (CC) debt than she says (flagrant spender personality); There are clearly fraud charges on her account that she has not caught or realized they are hers. She easily thinks money has not been received, which I have shown her was deposited into her bank account. I believe she is spending more money than what is coming in. I have shown her the CC statements and asked her which ones are actually her purchases/charges so that we can submit fraud. We have even received notices from a few of the CC companies that they suspect fraud on her account, but she has not actioned on them (loss of executive function?).
She has never been one to be fiscally responsible. I would like to set her up on a sort of monthly budget to address the debt, and so that she is aware of where her money is going and what is coming in. She has resisted my attempts so far, and I have even suggest if she is not comfortable with me doing that she hires someone. I want to make sure she has the funds to support her for the long-term, as I am concerned that we will get that formal diagnosis of dementia and need MC/ALH. I think she believes I am trying to take over. I have read a few posts about others with family members with dementia and this disease appears to be a long one (12+ years), and we are fairly early in her situation.
Am I fretting about financials too early? What lessons have you learned during your caregiving time that you wished you knew sooner or would tell your younger self?
I made a file for all of her important paperwork. Then, I got POA while she was still somewhat able to comprehend.
I installed a camera in her apartment (when she still lived alone) to supervise her taking medication.
You have to take over finances NOW, because Dementia is not just a long disease it's a forever disease, and our loved ones forget how to do stuff before you realize it.
1. I am legally obligated to assist my mother, not take over what she can do for herself.
2. What I do is turn a dial, not flip a switch.
What this looks like in practice is mom knows what she wants, but does not have the interest, samina, or skills to make it happen.
Some examples in our life:
My mom wants to pay all of her bills, but doesn't track due dates well. So, I set up every bill as auto draft except her credit card, and that one is set to auto draft the minimum payment if her check is late so she doesn't not get a late fee.
My mom knows she wants her taxes done, but I am better able to collect her receipts and send to her accountant than she is.
My mom doesnt want her car registration to expire, so I take the car for inspection before she pays the registration fee.
I try very hard to not take over any aspect of her life, but to support her independence. As she ages, my support will grow, but I do not want her to lose the feeling of autonomy in as many aspects of her life as possible be that her daily activates or her finances.
It's understandable that she resists handing her finances over completely, but from my experience, she will do that when she feels she needs to.
I also am a professional in the industry. I am a Daily Money Manager and serve as POA & executor for clients.
If you are seeing issues, it is NOT too early. Your job as POA is to protect your mother's assets. You may not be able to until her doctor gives the green light, depending on how the document is written, but do so as soon as you can. If not, you risk her bankrupting herself and then you will be in a pickle.
Sometimes our parents are more comfortable working with a 3rd party than with us, their own children. Actually, it happens quite often. If you parent can afford help, then you as POA don't have to take on the burden of an extra 2-4 hours a week in many cases, to pay bills, manage other paperwork, handle taxes and clean up her messes. You do need to supervise and review.
It's hard to role reverse and become the parent (or become the child). Give yourself and your mother some grace. Realize that it won't happen overnight and that sometimes an honest conversation does work. Sometimes.