So my mom what was in AL had a fall Sunday. This was one of many but this time she hit her head, taken to hospital. Small brain bleed and broken wrist. They didn’t keep her because she was so angry about being in hospital. Blaming me etc. Doctor thought since it wasn’t serious she would be better if at a familiar place. Before this AL advised me she was ready for memory care. Just waiting for a private room. Well after the fall Sunday and another one Tuesday they needed her to go ASAP to memory care. She is in a shared room for time being. She’s so angry and upset. Called me screaming to get her. Didn’t make much sense. Which was normal. I have such stomach pains from all this stress and can’t think of anything else. I feel bad for her and scared for me because she can really be angry. I am hosting Thanksgiving as I do every year. I will be picking her up and bringing her to my house and dreading it. My two daughters and in-laws will be here. My daughter is newly engaged and I want this to be a happy time.
They moved her yesterday but advised me not to go because she was so agitated she would just freak out on me. I guess I have no questions. Just need advice.
Don't take your mother out of the facility today. She literally has brain damage from this disease. She is showing you that she cannot mentally or emotionally cope. She is cognitively confused and if she falls, she could get even more seriously injured than she has already. I know it's hard. Trust me, I dread visiting my mom today because of my own guilt. But the reality is that YOU have a healthy brain. YOU have the capacity to make rational, objective decisions. YOU understand the reality of the situation that your mom does not. You need to function in the world of reality and the reality is, like it or not, your mom has brain damage and requires the care of a long term facility and her broken brain needs time to adapt (which isn't easy). Don't disrupt that but removing her from the place, people, and routines that will - in time - help her settle into her new life just to prevent her irrational anger and ease your guilt. That's not the right decision for either of you.
Does anybody else in the family drive? - surely someone does. Put together a tray of celebration treats, perhaps including a nicely plated-up meal if the staff agree, and get two or more (max four, or it'll be much too crowded) family members to deliver them to your mother and spend a fixed amount of time with her (I'd suggest one hour maximum).
I know it's a vital day, but it is only one day and just today you have other priorities. God willing your mother will have better Thanksgivings to come, but there is no way she is going to enjoy this one even if you do bring her to your home. Let the facility handle it. Call them, and be nice (of course), but remember you're not asking them you're telling them that mother will be with them for meals after all. They'll cope.
If your conscience won't even let you take one day, visit her this evening.
Within 3-4 day of mom's move to memory care she was sent for a geriatric psych assessment as inpatient. Upon her return, staff asked family and other visitor to stay away for a couple two or three weeks. Each time family visited mom would become extremely agitated and a danger to herself and others.
Follow staff instructions. They have been through this many times. AND, especially, your daughter deserves a pleasant day, and so do you.
It will be a disaster.
Let her get settled into her new place and enjoy your meal with family.
You are not responsible for her anger.
Please realize in the state Mom is in, she will not enjoy the gathering. She will probably get overwhelmed and need to be taken back to the MC within the hour. Thats how long my Mom lasted. Say a prayer for her at the table and toast her. Then ENJOY your day.
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