I have been taking care of my mother with ongoing health issues for about three years. Prior to that, she had no serious need for special care. She began with health issues in 2013 with having a pulmonary embolism. Then she had several episodes of delirium caused by UTIs. She had been in nursing homes three times and is now at home getting care by me and CNAs that come to the house five days a week. She recently was told by a doctor that she had several mini strokes two years ago and also has Parkinson's. She needs help with mobility limitations which I and my brother help her with. She is often depressed and frightened. She is so frightened she wants me to be there with her 100% (not kidding) of the time when I am not at work or running errands. As soon as I come in the house, she is calling me into her room. I know this sounds selfish but I feel like I have no life and no freedom any more. I only see my boyfriend who lives about 15 miles from me for maybe 2-3 hours a week. I live with my mother and my brother. I want to be able to care for my mother but she wants me there all of the time. She also calls me a lot every day while I am at work. I try to be helpful and supportive most of the time but sometimes I just don't answer the phone and she can call repeatedly. She has severe vertigo and has developed a fear of death and obsesses about it. She used to say to trust God and give your troubles to God and now is afraid that when you die, there is nothing. She has been a hardworking and supportive loving parent. It's not like she was an abusive person in her youth and I want to take care of her but there is never any break. Sometimes I lose it and yell like I did today. I just wanted to go to my own space and be left alone. Even if I can go to my own space she starts calling me on the phone over and over so I don't feel like I got to be alone. I feel guilty yelling at an elderly scared person. Much of the time I am supportive and caring but I think I am hitting burn out or don't know how to balance my needs with hers. I do not want to put her into a nursing home. She is getting care at home through a PA waiver program plus nurses, PTs, OTs come to the house. When she is in a nursing home, she gets worse. I figure a nursing home is for when the person is very very ill.
I had sacrificed relationships, dedicated half my house to her, ran around like a mad woman getting her everything she wanted and needed and tried to no avail to get her to change some of her bad habits to increase her quality of life and wellness. I tried to be a companion to her, as well. This was the most difficult part for me. She was a good mother to me growing up and I wanted to do right by her.
Finally, for medical reasons, she couldn't be left alone anymore. So, it was either put her somewhere or quit my job. So, I placed her is a personal care home (a.k.a assisted living - memory care facility) where she has actually been much better off in many ways.
She's made friends, her meals are more balanced, her medicine is on a better schedule and she is able to get a bath more often. A nurse is there, if needed. The doctor comes around there, so I only have to take her to the pain clinic.
Let me tell you, it's been a blessing in so many ways. I GOT MY LIFE BACK! I didn't even realize how much of my time, energy, spirit, resources and focus was being spend on her. Now I have more time for me, my husband and most of all my kids. I go see mom 2 or 3 times a week and she is fine.
Yes, she would like to come home, but she's there and that's it. She adjust a little more as each day goes by and she seems to like it there just fine.
AstridK, do what you can for your mom, but don't let your life slip by in the process. I'm 47 years old and I realize now, I should have made better arrangements for her at least 5 years ago.
Don't be afraid to do what you have to do. You will be amazed at the relief you feel vs the guilt and grief you feel now.
I would recommend having your mother seen by a geriatric psychiatrist; meds for depression and anxiety can make a huge difference.
Continue trying to balance your needs with your mom's. Your needs have to come first (within reason) or you won't be able to care for your mom.
If you are not sure what type of facility your mom would be best suited, I would have her assessed to see what would be the best fit. If she needs daily skilled nursing, probably a nursing home, but if not, then I would explore Assisted Living. Either dementia or age related decline can cause some of the symptoms you are describing. I would discuss that with her doctor to gauge how she might be progressing.
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