I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

I set the no alcohol rule for him, Its good for me too so I can lose some eight (empty calories). I put the booze away. Wont have any in front of him. Don't really need to lock it up since it is in my office anyway. He buys his own as it is. Wrote him the long letter, he got the letter and I saw him in the kitchen for a second, got a mumble and he got in his truck and drove off (nicely). Not sure what he will do but at least I got it off my chest and set the boundaries. I have to be on the road the rest of the day and evening so I wont be here but advised my wife to keep me in the loop tonight. Tired and wont take it anymore! My house my rules now. I will now be the father in law the boys all hate. Sorry, respect is earned around here, not given. I get it he has depression, it is a difficult issues and he is getting help but I can't be the brunt of it and nor can my daughter.

Well done, tg. Keep the boundaries firm. You are doing him and everyone a big favour. One day, and maybe even now, he will appreciate what you are doing. It is the best for everyone.

My fil is demanding and self centered. After 5 years of cooking 5 days a week for him, taking him to the dr. Doing his checks, etc., etc., etc., I've had it. He lacks empathy for others. I have a terminal disease and he has made it worse with the constant stress and demands. My husband has Parkinson's. It may sound harsh but his other son can take over the madness. I have no guilt about doing this. My husband and I have to focus on each other in the short time we have left. Being the adult child of an aging parent who is demanding and self centered does not give them entitlement for you to be their doormat. If we had to do this over again we would of set boundaries, said no more, had limitations set in place of what you can and can't do. Takers don't make limits, givers must. You can't take responsibility for your parents poor judgements and mistakes. Even though my fil is in better health than we are, an al place would be better for him. They can monitor his meds, feed him good meals, take him to the dr. Etc. We love him, but we just can't do this anymore.

Joyce - good decision! Take care of yourselves and enjoy life.
My sister and her husband lived close to Mom and her husband (I won't call him stepfather because he was the most hateful man I ever met. He believed everyone was beneath him, especially women and anyone not a WASP male and he criticized most of them too) He didn't hesitate to say whatever he believed, in public. It was embarrassing! They drove him to doctors, took care of his yard, repaired things, picked up his garbage - never a thank you, never a compliment, and always "superior". He treated doctors and nurses with contempt. He didn't deserve any help and they only did it for Mom. He was of perfectly sound mind which made it even worse. No, someone who is mean like that, doesn't deserve help from loving relatives.

All is quiet on the home front for now. I have been very busy with work and not around much. The letter I wrote did take affect, he did some chores, said he went to AA. Daughter gave him an ultimatum. She is at her end too. They both need counseling. I'm out for the next 2 days so life will be quiet here I hope. It is hard, he suffers from depression, Not sure why she picked him, does not fit her. Anyway water under the bridge. Dad has been quiet so I guess for now it is OK. Just good for me to be busy and not think about everyone's problems.

Plate is finally full, after 6 years of care giving now I have to deal with an alcoholic. I thought it was he just was lazy and drank a little too much. After many conversations with my daughter finding out he is a full blown alcoholic. Now to have to deal with it. He is about to get the boot. for a few days things have been good after the blowout. But waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has no chances left and he knows it, the next step is out the door if he screws up. Geez, dad has been easy at this point.
Researching ways to get him help, talking with my daughter. This is not what I need....... He says he is going to AA and not drinking, they both have to get counseling which he is going... that is it, moving to the beach and a 1 bedroom shack with my wife! Oh I wish!

Dad has been pretty easy but not to forthright with me. I guess I need to play twenty questions with him to get answers. He is certainly wide open with my sibling the nurse on the phone. Tells her every little thing going on with him but nothing to me. He tells me stomach issues when he has been constipated for days. We could help but he chooses to listen to some one states away. Ugh!
Daughter and SIL still dealing with their issues. Daughter finally opened up to us. She has 2 short range plans, get a place very shortly, either with him or without. He is not helping with finances, keeps his money for himself. So we are helping her find a place she can afford on her own and him not in the picture. He has been dry for 5 days he says, it is a start, we will see how this week or today for that fact goes. She is very open with us for the first time so we are listening and offering our experiences (not telling her what to do) and our support. He has used up all of his lives so now one slip and he is out. We have a plan in place how to handle it. He has his guidelines to follow, is in AA, the next step is for him to get into a program or go and live with his parents.
I am tired, stressed and angry. He has wasted 10 years of my daughters life and I don't want him around anymore. This is tough especially in my own home. So now it is my rules or go. She stays.
And I thought I had a tough time with dad.......

Tgengine - the day your house is free of your daughter and SIL and your father - I will be doing a happy dance for you and open a bottle of champagne.

I do challenge your assumption that dad cannot live on his own. My mom gets $700 month social security - her 2 bedroom apartment is pegged to her income, she is on medicare and Medicaid etc. She gets food assistance. her only expense is car & gas and she has plenty leftover each month for that. I know this because I had to say "NO MORE" each month when she spent her money at the casino and now needed rent money, gas money, etc. Get him out. Visit and be his son, but he is healthy and going to be under your skin for years and years.

I'll be doing the happy dance. I'd love to have dad on his own but it wont happen. There are too many obstacles in the way. If we were back home with friends and family around it would be a different story. It would be akin to me dropping him off in the middle of the woods. I cant take that kind of pressure. I am ignored by the family enough as it is. The immediate issue is the drunk in the house and getting him out. How do I get myself into these situations? I have taken the hard line approach with everyone lately. No more nice guy. It is my house my rules now. Funny, as I was doing an event this weekend I was the incident commander. I was told that I am too harsh on people and that I have a tone when I talk and that I intimidate people..... When you are the IC tone doesn't matter, getting the job done does. Gee that doesn't seem to have any effect at home.

You said "If we were back home with friends and family around it would be a different story".
So where is back home, is that where your sister lives? Is there some reason you can't find him a place there near all those "helpful" relatives?

Are you helping your daughter to find a place of her own, or is she going to stay with you? (If sil gets kicked out, will your daughter still stay with you?)

I don't understand why your father has to live with you. Why can't he stay with your sister the nurse?

You and your wife deserve some peace and quiet. Or don't you?

CTTN, his sister seems to be okay with short visits from Dad, but not a fulltime living option. From past posts, it doesn't sound like he can get either sibling to take in their dad.

TG, what does concern me about your daughter remaining in your home is there will no doubt be continual upheaval if they split up.

Sending you good vibes, TG.

tg -a time apart for your sil and dd could be a very good thing for your daughter and for him. I encourage you to continue to help yout dd find her own place and get set up as soon as possible. It is likely, I hope not but likely, that sil will slip and then he is on his own. Your daughter needs to go to Alanon. A few visits there would not hurt you and wife either,

I agree that dealing with dad comes afterwards. He does not sound respectful of you or grateful for what you do for him. Honestly it doesn't matter what your family think about what arrangements you make. They are not making any sacrifices and I don't see any of them being supportive in any way. People can make friends at any age if given the opportunity.
Keep up the good work!!!

TG, have you talked to your internist about all the drama in your life, and how it's affecting You? I worry about you, a lot.

You're a people pleaser. I should know. I'm one too. We give and give and give...and then we blow. Counseling helps. Antidepressants
(which are NOT tranquilizers) help too. Get someone else's perspective on this, TG. Before you self-destruct.

"... his sister seems to be okay with short visits from Dad, but not a fulltime living option. From past posts, it doesn't sound like he can get either sibling to take in their dad." Linda22, thanks for your reply. I wonder why he can't get either sib to take their father? He doesn't seem to be very effective with his requests to father, sil or daughter, so I'm wondering how effective he was when trying to get one of his sibs to step up.

He's taken care of his father for how many years now? Seems like the father could tolerate a change in living environment. And I think his wife needs all the hangers-on living somewhere ELSE, especially now that she has health problems.

I'm 54, parents divorced 42 yrs ago. They both are currently at the same assisted living home cuz they both had strokes within 5 months of each other. My mom told me her wishes and made plans to live at ALiving home on her own before major health problems arose. Dad, on the other hand, before the stroke, was living in stench...infestation of bedbugs, mice crap/pee on everything, uncontrolled diabetes, and declared legally blind from diabetic retinopathy. I have tried for years to help him in his home and was always rejected He and I have a long history of a dysfunctional relationship even though we tell each other we love each other it's just surface stuff He did have Help At Home come to days a week but he would only allow the girl to clean in the kitchen and living room of his trailer, she was not allowed to go into his bedroom or bathroom. We are guessing the bedbugs came from a hospital bed he bought at auction but we will never know how that infestation started. Since he's legally blind he could not see how bad the situation was but did call the bug man to come spray the bug man called me to tell me what was going on Dad is on a fixed income so we paid for six months of spring which the situation continue to get worse Super long story, after the six months time of spring he had a stroke, ended up in the hospital and went on respite care at the assisted living in hopes that he would end up staying there. My husband had to destroy his trailer and he has rebuilt him a small little cabin to live in. My husband tells me I told your dad I had to destroy his home and I promised him I would rebuild him something so I'm kept my word, with us both knowing that he should not return home and live alone. The cabin is almost finished and dad cannot wait to leave the assisted-living and I'm going nuts thinking about all the care and checking in on him I'm going to be doing even though he will get Help At Home again and will not be enough Care. Trying to recognize signs of dementia is confusing and basically I'm sick of worrying about him because he was not there for me growing up. The cabin is about a block away from me since we live on the same property, i've always been a stay at home mom and wife so I'm not working it only makes sense that I be the caretaker of him when he comes home . This whole thing makes me mentally and physically sick. I found a girl who is training to be a life coach needing people to practice on, so I was very fortunate to get three free sessions with her. It has been the best thing I have ever done and I will continue the meetings, thanks to my daughter who found her. I also had to get on anxiety and depression medicine which is helping me tremendously. My big deal now is do I tell my dad, no, you need to stay at the assisted living or let him come home and be on his own and say "see ya", hope all goes well ! I do love him, I am not coldhearted, I'm very compassionate, and would have done anything for him but after I'm still making stupid decisions with his buddies behind my back after us forking out tons of money for him these past 6 months I decided I can't do this. Do you need more than four hours a week from Help At Home and I cannot get him evaluated again until he actually comes back home living in his cabin. Ugh, Grinding my teeth again 😬

Oh man this is so stressful just reading what TG is going thru everyday.... my dad wants to leave the assisted-living he's been in for six months recuperating from a stroke, and return to his little cabin a hop jump and skip away from my house. He will need constantly checked on, meals prepared,cleaning his poop up he gets on things, he's legally blind, diabetic etc etc etc!!!!! He thinks he can get along with the Help At Home that he used to have, but I know he needs more help !!!!

my Mother lived with me and my family for 3 years after dad died. I turned into the angriest person. First time in my life I felt completely hopeless. My mother has been in her own place for almost a year now
( She had to go....this was no way for us to live ) but I'm still not the same person I was before. I don't think I will ever be the same. They say time heals all wounds......I'm thinking it doesn't......

" No dad. We built you a place to replace the trailer, but the doctors say you need to have someone supervising you 24/7. It's not safe otherwise. You have a home here and we can visit, play cards and bring you treats. But I can't care for you 24/7. I'm too old to do that".

Hey Barb, thanks for the reply The thing is when I take him to his doctor dad can perform really well, my husband says get him to a different doctor My dad has always been very independent and stubborn and made terrible choices his whole life, and he told his friend recently that he's going to walk out of there and come back here and live in a tent. You definitely need somebody bigger than me to step in and tell him "NO" and I also know I need to grow up and stand up to him

I hear lots of people here saying that they will never be the same which is probably true but I am determined to become the me that I used to be and not harbor bitterness because if I do my children won't want to visit me someday . My outlook on life has definitely changed and that's all I think about now is how close I am to becoming sick maybe and old, my husband and I are getting all our ducks in a row This morning I wrote down on a piece of paper how I feel about this for my children so they will be OK when the time comes when their parents need to go to a different home of some sort My daughter says no you can live with me and I will take care of you but I will not let that happen, I know the heart ache with my mom chose to move to assisted living, that was her choice and I try to argue with her but now looking back I see it was her decision she made for me out of love

Bella, he can live in the cabin. But YOU don't have to take care of him.

Bella, I feel your pain, I hope it doesn't come to you being the caregiver 24/7. All good ideas and thank you. I am taking them and trying them. I did reach out to alanon and working on me with that. I am taking care of myself now. As far as SIL, I have written him off. He lives here but that is about it. I give him chores but not expecting much. So far he is supposedly keeping dry from what I am told, I am keeping my eyes open looking for issues. Daughter checked out until he comes around and we are helping her look for a place and to buy a place on her own. If he goes it will be short time for her here until she gets her place. She is bound and determined to get her own place so that is good. I am tired and angry. As far as dad, I don't even care anymore. He give comments without checking. Gets infuriating. He mentions to others he is going back home to visit for a while, Not sure what that means. He got tax money back and is burning though it like a sailor on leave.
Hit with snow this week so he is not going anywhere. He drives back home so he can be treated like a king returning home (like life here is so bad).
Keeps mentioning food we don't eat that he wants, "go ahead make what you want". I cook every night, I cook enough for everyone, if you don't like it so be it. My shopping, my cooking.... I cook what my wife and I like and I make family favs all the time like last night for our daughter, Friday corned beef for the Irish side. I really don't think I am a bad guy but after a day of plowing multiple driveways and dealing with all my own snow and being sick on top of it and my busy month for work I get grouchy, then I am told I am "grumpy".... Yeah, I just want to be sick on my own couch and be left alone for a while.
We have a plan in place for when the SIL falls off the wagon, it will be out the door and call his parents to come get him. Not going to deal with another day of this. If he keeps himself clean fine but he is not going to change. She knows it and so do we. I am prepared to deal with it the day it happens. My daughter and wife are number 1 now.
As far as me I am handling it pretty well. Thought Id be all stressed out. Now that we have a plan and daughter is talking with us I feel better.
As for dad there is no choice I am the caregiver, no one else in the family cares so its left up to me. I dearly love my dad and the thought of him living on his own would tear me up with guilt. Just because I love him doesn't mean I have to like it. It is what I have to do.So if I can get through this and survive......... And for him to live with the sibling nurse? That is not going to happen. no way no how. She wont have it nor will her husband for sure. That is apparent since hmmmm the beginning with him, another story for another time.

Big change this week since SIL has not been drinking. Taking one day at a time....... only 7 days but positive changes. He has been talking. Still not convinced but have to take it for what it is worth. He has been going to AA, and his counselor, he told me all the things in my letter I wrote to him have been addressed. This is a long road to recovery so I hope it will help.
If you asked me 6 years ago what would things be like in my house this would not have been it..... even 3 years ago....... I am still keeping the hammer down not picking it up. As for dad, he has been laying low lately. I am taking his issues in stride.
WTH, this is the time where I am supposed to be care free between kids out of the house and future grand kids...... Guess not......

tg - see what a good effect you have had by setting limits - and YOU feel better. Having a plan in case sil slips is excellent.

Wonderful that your dd wants her own place. That is healthy.

Your dad is sensing the changes you have made and deciding to stay out of the line of fire. That is good. I am glad you are cooking what you want to and not catering to him. I hope he does go for a visit somewhere - maybe he will stay there. I expect he is seeing that you are not going to be pushed around by others any more and watching his butt.

As to "WTH, this is the time where I am supposed to be care free between kids out of the house and future grand kids..." many of us are finding that our lives are not turning out as we expected.

"Supposed to" is not a guarantee. Here am I who will be 80 in the summer, still a caregiver (thankfully at a distance) for my mother who is coming up 105 in May. This certainly was not my plan for my life.

All we can do it make the best of it. Congratulations on the positive changes you have made. Keep it up!

Its been a challenge but I am trying to let everyone do their thing and not worry about the little things that have been bugging me relentlessly. I have been busy with work and trying to get my addition completed. By not worrying about everyone else I seem a little more relaxed. Given the fact that I have been battling a cold for a week doesn't help but then again no one bugs me. SIL has been OK, I presume not drinking. Haven't seen anything out of the ordinary. Still things are not going to change with him. He has been more helpful by cleaning up more with chores. I gave up asking. For now it works.
Starting to make more time with my wife. Will do a date night tonight to get out of the house with her and a little dinner out.
Still miss making nice quiet dinners at home with her, I guess I will be old a gray when I can do that again.
As for the kids moving out not sure when that is going to happen. SIL has gotten very comfortable........ Need to make him uncomfortable soon.

Lets see, Dad goes to a meeting, I don't feel like making dinner so wife and I go out $80. later.... come home kids are having dinner at the table.... what is wrong with this picture, my house... and I have to go out to dinner to enjoy time with my wife?...... love my kids but want my house back.....

Tgengine - they will never leave unless you give them a deadline!

"Its been a challenge but I am trying to let everyone do their thing and not worry about the little things that have been bugging me relentlessly. I have been busy with work and trying to get my addition completed. By not worrying about everyone else I seem a little more relaxed."

So, you are "letting the little things" go? Your children cooking an eating dinner at your table is a "big" thing?

TG, it feels to me like you are having vast swings of mood. You are copacetic and calm one minute and in a rage this next...and when I read what you are raging about, I don't see the boundary that has been crossed.

That doesn't mean that it's not a major boundary in YOUR word view; I'm just saying that your daughter probably doesn't see what she's done wrong. Nor would I. Your anger doesn't appear rational, given that you INVITED your daughter to come live with you, right? You didn't expect her to eat at your table, preparing her own food?

I want to share a tidbit from my therapist, from when my kids were young. I was in grad school, juggling an abusive husband, three young kids, a part time job and the prospect of a very demanding career.

I was moaning to Dr. L one morning about my young kids. He stopped me. "Mrs. S, you haven't begun to experience parenting until your children start bringing home inappropriate love objects (I.e., significant others)".

TG, please get yourself some help before you stroke out.

I know, my big thing is really a nothing. I try, I am just betwixt between. Love my kids, love my dad but I really want them to move into their own place. I am tired of living in a rooming house. We are pushing them, She is working on it. Him, not sure.
I brought this on myself thinking differently I guess. Hoping dad would split time between sibs as was offered. Thought maybe a month for the kids as they said.... I should have investigated further. When mom died I went into caretaker mode, blinders on I guess. My own fault but this is the first time for me so I didn't know what to expect.
Its like last night, I am making dinner, everyone knew it, I get dinner done the kids don't come down, they are all set. Not sure why, I guess I upset him..... It's not them not eating it is I could have made less if I knew they were not eating. I guess I just expect someone to let me know is just being too oppressive.
I hear the other issues people are going through and I have to step back and appreciate what I have. It is hard when I am in the middle of it all.
Trying to be calmer and let it roll. I don't lash out of show anger, (I do get grumpy or quiet). I just vent here because there is no other place to vent..