My sister gave up her home to move in and take care of our father after a car accident left him disabled. Well, I was traveling between my job/home with children, and his home to take care of him and it got too much. Now she has been taking care of him for a year now and he is extremely verbally abusive and can't afford help or to leave.
blannie - Thank you for your response. My hubby and brother have POA but only if FIL is unable to make his own decisions. Ohio law states that as long as a person knows his birth date and SSN, they are considered mentally capable of deciding their fate. So he willfully chooses to return home even though safety is a concern. He is in strong denial of his condition and believes it is a matter of finding what will help him get better.
Conversations have been held with him by family and medical professionals regarding his combative nature. He believes his sons are ganging up on him and is disowning them. Medical professionals are just wrong in their assessment.
I am convinced the man had OCD when he was younger. Hubby now agrees as FIL could never complete anything in life as he saw how perfect things needed to be and he was not skilled enough to complete them to perfection. Except for golf. He played in his 80's and did win local golf senior tournaments. Example of his OCD, - fixing breakfast, he always fixed peanut butter and toast with the toast cut in perfect rectangles 4 pieces per slice with a half a banana with coffee. Then at 2;00 they would have rice and beans. Every day. Throw in that he and wife are WWII survivors, scrimping $'s and you now have the picture.
GiGi11 - You are right. Reacting only exacerbates the problem. But my hubby is still bitter about so many things that he responds in the way that FIL expects and attacks on.
I'm at a loss and keep injecting when I can and then back away until hubby makes decisions.
My own experience is that by calmly discussing things with my crabby mother (85 at the time I moved in with her), I was able to make some progress. Even then she had symptoms of dementia but often still was able to reason things out for herself. (Not so much now.)
Mom was verbally abusive to Dad. She criticized him in front of other people, played silly mind games and otherwise amused herself by tormenting him. She never was diagnosed with personality disorders although she surely has them, but somehow Dad was able to get past that. He took care of her and loved her until the day he died.
I do love Mom (don’t always like her much) but loving a person does NOT include giving them the power to be abusive. We had to get a few things straight early on in our new living situation. For example, the first time I came back from the grocery store and Mom tore into me because she didn't like something I'd bought, I gave her the choice that she could leave the decisions to me OR I would drop her off at the store and she could shop for herself. To my great surprise, she shut up and hasn't opened her mouth about it since. (Other things, yes, but not the shopping.)
Also, we had a few conversations about the art of being able to disagree without being disagreeable. This too had a positive impact. In other areas, such as her constant complaining, whining and wailing when I’m getting her cleaned up, I have not been as successful. She is what she is and that basic nature certainly isn’t going to change at this point. Unfortunately, we recently have had to resort to medications to keep her behavior within manageable limits. I put it off as long as I could.
I don’t know if sitting your father down and talking to him will help. If he doesn’t respond to you and your sister, perhaps a relative, friend, clergy, doctor or someone else could have an impact. If that doesn’t work and medication doesn’t help, then do whatever it takes to protect the family from him, even if it means an alternate placement.
Good luck and God bless.