Long time lurker who needs to vent. Disabled late 70's mom could not manage her home especially with dad who was a disaster with dementia. He's FINALLY in a home. She moved out of state to a smaller home to save money and refused to get rid of ANYTHING. Took me 6 months to pack her house (I am NOT exaggerating) Now she is almost 3 hours away instead of 10 minutes. She moved to the middle of nowhere. Complains incessantly that no one will help her get her house set up or clean (almost a year later and the house is still full of packed boxes. AND she keeps buying more stuff) So drive up and work until I literally can't move. Cleaning, moving furniture, throwing junk away. I bring tools and do projects. She spends entire visit berating me, telling I am pushy and calling me a bitch. She says "Just sit and visit!" Tells me I stress her out when I visit (remember I get calls DAILY complaining that no one helps) I am up to my elbows in stuff. There are bugs flying around. There is stuff everywhere. The kitchen is filthy. Garbage is overflowing. Fridge full of old food. Previous person who lived there left his stuff in the house too! (And she started USING his stuff too instead of removing it.). I cleaned off one of his tables so she could get it to goodwill and out of the house. She said she wanted to keep it. There is so much furniture you can't even walk in the room. I said "I thought we were donating this." She said "Well I like it." I start getting mad because the walls are closing in. Keeping this furniture is ABSURD. She begins b******g me out telling me I am pushy. "How do other people react when you talk to them like this?!" (Imitates me talking with my hands) Tells me how mean I am and she is going to record me to prove it. Calls me a bitch under her breath repeatedly. Yells at me "THIS IS MY HOUSE." Yesterday she said "SHUT UP!" when I simply mentioned the contents of a box on the porch. Meanwhile I am hauling garbage, scrubbing toilets and sinks, washing dishes, setting up furniture and trying to hang a couple of pictures. She spends entire visit picking fights with me. She makes comments that the HOA is going to be mad at the cardboard outside from where I broke down boxes. I have to run her all over town where she insists on leisurely dining out. Then I have to pick up her medicines 30 minutes away (that she let run out) and make phone calls. I pay most of her bills including dad's nursing home. I manage her calendar with her doctors. I order her groceries (and she lets the food I order spoil). I pay for her pets' medical care. She is an ungrateful witch and treats me like garbage. My sibling lives there also but they barely help because all she does is yell at them and tell them they are a terrible person (they aren't terrible but they are lazy. They also have mental health concerns). Sibling has checked out.
I get ready to drive home and she starts telling me how she wants to come back with me to my house! I don't WANT her here. She is mean and abusive and ungrateful. I only go every few months because I am done with her and it's the same visit every time. When she dies I am going to inherit her giant house full of crap. I can't take it anymore.
The thing is, since your mom is technically competent, she CAN live how she pleases.
So how about this.
Mom calls and complains.
You: I see. What is your plan to deal with that?
you don't offer to come. You don't swoop in and clean. You don't do anything.
Eventually, she becomes ill and is taken to the hospital. Hospital calls you and you tell them that she is living unsafely and to discharge her home is an unsafe discharge. And no, she cannot come to live with you.
Can you do that?
You don’t have to set one little pinky toe back in that house.
You really don’t. 🤪
Hey, I read a post titled VENT & I can't leave it at that - I want to add advice & help!! 😆. Please forgive me!
Yells at me "THIS IS MY HOUSE."
OK. So here's one reply:
Yes Mom. Got that message. The house is yours.
All the contents are yours.
The flying bugs are yours.
The responsibility is all yours too.
IF she wants your help, she can ask for it. Nicely.
"When she dies I am going to inherit her giant house full of crap".
Maybe. Or maybe it will be sold "as is". Or you can burn it all down & sell the land. Trying to joke here... 😁
Try to park that thought in *future problems*, don't use up brain cells now.
Take a long walk, a hot bath or whatever relaxes you today instead.
When my mother (with dementia) used to get going flapping her jaw at me, I'd tell her, I'm not tolerating this abuse mom, and I'm leaving (or hanging up the phone) and I'll see you/speak to you at another time when you're in a nicer mood. Goodbye.
We're not doormats for ANYONE at any time. Don't subject yourself to this disgusting behavior anymore, you're worth so much more.
Best of luck making a commitment to yourself and keeping it.
I appreciate your thoughts and kind comments. I am working on it. I have been for many years (THOUSANDS of dollars in therapy! I swear!) It's just a roller coaster.
I'm sorry your mom talked to you that way. My dad with dementia is mean also. It's exhausting.
How close? Let me give you a push... 🦾
Either that or you wait for her to kick 🦿you there.
I hope you will take option 1.
Too much crap (figuratively and literally)to deal with.
She left you, you didn't leave her, she made her bed let her lie in it.
Regarding Medicaid you don't know what she does and doesn't qualify for until she applies. Again we are in the none of your business part of this mess, because the finances of another competent adult are something you have no right to. The bright side of this is you don't pay for anything for her, your finances are your private concern and ownership.
And regarding the someday inheritance of the hoarded house, forget it. Pay a junk company to clean and haul away or have the realtor sell it "as is". If you let her keep driving you crazy you'll be lucky to outlive her at all.
These are all good ideas. Ideas that a logical person would embrace. She is a not a logical person. She enjoys being a victim. She complains that she needs and wants help and expects relatives to drop everything to help her but they have their own lives. She lived 10 minutes away from me previously and chose to move out of state. Reason doesn't work with a borderline mom.
I appreciate your comments and thoughts though.
So a few things...
- I do know that this is abuse.
- I do know that I don't deserve it.
- I know I don't have to do anything for her.
- I have tried/suggested every logical solution to this house situation. I am dealing with a "helpless" "victim" who resists all logical advice and help (including hiring services even if I pay for them).
- APS is already aware of the situation
- She cannot go to AL. There is no money.
- I know she doesn't qualify for medicaid. She has worked with a social worker.
- I am a very logical person who approaches everything with "ok how do we solve this?" mentality. So any of my responses indicating something won't work aren't being contrary. I have no try left in me. (again I just needed to vent)
- I have grey rocked...the rock just cracked this past weekend.
- I recited the 3 C's on the way to her house.
- I know I am in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)
- The situation is more complicated than I detailed and just washing my hands of her is not an option. I am not comfortable sharing all the details of the complete situation.
- I do let calls go to voicemail.
- I have a filter on my email so I don't see her mails unless I specifically go to a specific folder.
- I have tried to create boundaries (the results are beyond unpleasant sometimes you have to weigh what the worse situation is going to be)
- I have had extensive therapy.
- I have read books and do extensive research on BPD and dealing with BPD parent
I wouldn't wish dealing with BPD mother on anyone.
There is a book (not self-help, it's non-fiction) called Never Simple by Liz Scheier. Her mother had BPD.
It might be a good read for you. She finally realized that she was on the way to financial and psychological ruin and started getting her mom help, rather than plunging into the abyss.
Hoarding is a mental thing. It doesn't matter what it is, its hoarding. Your Mom is keeping things she does not need, even someone elses stuff, and gets upset when you want to get rid of it.
I can sort of sympathize with you. My nephew hoards boxes and plastic bags. Yep, he orders from Amazon and will not break down the boxes and put them in the dumpster outside. TG our state has outlawed plastic bags. They were all over his living room. He went into the hospital overnight. I went into his apt and cleaned everything out. I found toiletries under bags, brand new. Maybe you can send Mom on a nice vacation and then get in there and clean her out.