Both parents in Care Home. Mum - Alzheimer’s late stages. Dad - Vascular Dementia. 88yrs and 86yrs respectively. I am the only person to care for them as my sister passed away 23yrs ago. I am 63.
For the past few years I have bent over backwards trying to “sort” things for them and it has taken its toll on me.
Nothing pleases them about where they stay. They weren’t happy where they lived because they weren’t managing and slowly losing their independence. They weren’t happy with the sheltered housing I moved them to (a beautiful place). They wanted to move to the lovely CH after seeing it and discussing what it meant. Then they weren’t pleased after they had moved in. It’s one of the best. They continually tell me they want to go back to where they stayed originally which is 130 miles away from me!
When I visit (3 times a week) my mum doesn’t seem to know who I am though she knows my name and she can hurt me physically (eg twist my hand back on itself or nip my hand. She once clouted me across the neck). I try to do everything I can for them but it’s wearing me down. On top of that I have the staff telling me what a caring person she is always wanting to see that everyone is ok. She asks for hugs from the staff. Never keen to give me one. 😫
Whatever speaks to you.
Don’t be afraid to shop around and switch around. Sometimes what rang your bell during your “former life” loses its appeal after you’ve been through the elder-care gauntlet. We change. (No surprise, right?!?)
Regardless, work toward rebuilding and restoring YOU. Even if you don’t know what that means right now!
Not to sound cruel or Darwinian, but your parents had “their time.” It’s over. Maybe they used it well, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had financial security, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had joy (or - more importantly - created joy), maybe they didn’t.
It’s all behind them now. Nothing can change that. No amount of your (figurative) tap dancing will make a damm difference. Nor will magical thinking or trying to please.
“The twilight years” is just a phrase, until it stares you in the face and changes the dynamic of 2-or-more generations.
This is so draining for adult children. No playbook. No clear-cut timetable. Just open-ended despair.
It’s impossible to give your parents what they want. It is possible to make sure they are safe and cared for — and you have done that.
Next step: Reset your routine with the care home. Define a way to show your love and connection to your parents without leaving a chunk of “you” behind after every visit. Lotsa good advice from the other folks here, so I won’t repeat specifics. You’ll figure out what works.
Your new boundaries might feel odd and uncomfortable, at first. Keep reminding yourself that it’s OK to make your sanity and your well-being the priority.
Give yourself permission to be a whole person.
Keep reminding yourself that being a fraction of a person did not serve you well. Nor did it serve your parents well.
Whether by accident or design, your parents have become impossible to please. Stop taking that as a personal challenge (we’ve all done it!) — and find the liberation in it.
((((big hugs)))) These are rough years. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We’re rooting for you! 🧡
Here are the things other said that I strongly second: if you can afford it, find a professional counselor who can help guide you through aging and end of life issues - I found myself thinking over and over lately about how I don't want to put MY kids through this kind of care hell - and constantly thinking about my own mortality. I found someone wonderful to talk to who took care of her own mother for 2 years after she had a massive stroke. It's been very helpful!
You do need something to do, and I agree at our age that regular "employment" that is not in itself adding to your stress level, under the circumstances you're in, is difficult to find. I had a part-time job last year and when the inevitable drama started there, I really only became more depressed. I'd recommend volunteering, and/or taking a class. I've turned into a gym rat, 5 days a week, I take cardio, strength training, and balance/coordination classes geared to 55+ people - I feel so much better, physically, and I've expanded my social circle. Find something you LIKE to do, rather than doing something else you HAVE to do - and do it regularly, at least a few days a week.
Lastly, cut those visits down to no more than once a week, and keep them brief.
If they are being cared for and they are safe, you don't need to be there more than that.
And lastly, come here to this group often for support. We're here for you!
There is no need to visit these discontented, abusive and demanding people more than once a week. You have gone above and beyond to please and satisfy them. If you visit any more often than once a week (or even less), you are deliberately punishing yourself for no reason. What needs to be sorted out for them? Are they demanding you do things that don’t really need to be done? Stop. If there is a power of attorney and they have wills, you shouldn’t need to have to sort anything out. These are people you can’t please and who do not know the meaning of gratitude.
As for a job, keep in mind your age and limitations. Not many people at our age have the wherewithal to start a new career, especially when we are stressed and burned out in the first place. I’ve been thinking about a part time job too, but the jobs I’m looking for involve lifting, which I can’t do, standing, and hours that don’t fit. Volunteering may be a better option. You definitely need some outlet other than visiting your toxic parents.
And for Heaven’s Sake, stop tolerating your mother smacking you. .
So it sounds as though the support your family can offer you is low. I would definitely concentrate on developing supportive friend relationships and finding something that provides you with a sense of purpose and satisfaction. If that is a job, excellent, but it could also be a commitment to a cause in which you believe.
You might consider a few sessions with a counselor. It might help you clarify your goals and how to reach them.
Today is a day I go to visit my Mom. I feel ill and am dreading it. Am an only child and sole caregiver (except for my husband and daughter who valiantly tried to help for the year that Mom lived with us.)
Mom has been demanding, controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive throughout my life. She is difficult at the care home and it’s been a wild ride helping her and the caregiver adjust to anything that approaches tolerable.
I am learning that Mom’s “happiness” is never something I can control (even to protect myself from her abuse), and it is not humane to expect me to be responsible for it (or to be punished for the lack of it).
The anger, accusations and disappointment she directs at me are beyond hurtful. They are debilitating.
So, I’ve reset my priorities. It is more important that Mom be -
- Safe
- Healthy
- Well fed
- Clean
- Comfortable
- Have opportunities to socialize
- Retain as much of her personal dignity as possible
- Have contact with family as much as is possible without burdening or harming family
It is my responsibility to make sure that she has these things. and it is my choice to show her love in whatever ways I can.
But, anything that harms me physically or emotionally is no longer required - off-limits.
Watching Mom be abusive to my dear, kind daughter helped me to realize the her behavior was not to be tolerated. And, while I could not defend myself as a child, I certainly owe it to myself to do so as an adult.
I’m not really giving advice - I guess I’m just reminding myself of the things that will make today’s visit a little more bearable.
Best to all all of you. And, yes, let’s all remember to take care of ourselves.
I found it helpful when I realized that - when I had only been gone for 12 hours - that my Mom would feel like she hadn't seen me for AGES! What that meant was, the whole day that I just spent with her yesterday was gone - lost in the mists of memory. But - what then occurred to me - was that if I was in fact away from her for a few days, it would feel *just the same* to her!
This actually made me feel a little bit more free.
Leave them close to you because if you took them back they would not be satisfied there - when people with dementia talk about a place they used to live in they are only remembering good bits & forget about why they wanted to move from there - just like when you think of your flower garden what comes to mind is the blossoms not the weeds
It is time for you to move on with your life so get a job you love & cut back on the visits because you do not need the stress of the crappy way they treat you - they are dumping abuse on you, especially the physical abuse, which is not acceptable so it is the time for you to start taking care of yourself & be happy