Should I get a job and visit less?

Perhaps you need to find a counselor and have a few sessions to help you find an answer you can live with. I understand the feeling of being torn between caring for and about the welfare of people you love and the need to save yourself. I think you really are in need of a chat or two with some not involved emotionally in this situation.

Try to absorb this: it's quite possible your parents won't even miss you when you don't show up. They are not the people they were when they parented you. They are completely different people. If you don't trust the care home to treat them as you wish, then maybe you can get a friend to stop in and check on them now and then, while you work this out with some help and build the rest of your life in a way that makes you content, if not happy. Three days a week is probably too much visiting for them. They don't get time to adapt to their new life.

PS: My mother was always a charmer to others but hateful to her children. It's a narcissism that won't be changed for the good by old age. Was she always this way? Seems like, if she physically hurts you, then there's a message there that you don't want to read. A counselor can help you figure that one out.

Dementia patients never really like where they are, its not their home and that may not be the last one they lived in, but a childhood home. Your Mom has gotten into her head that you r the cause of her being in the Care home. No reasoning with her will work because they no longer reason.

Get a job. Not one with too much stress. I always thought it would be nice to work in an antique/collectable place. Do u belong to a church? You can volunteer to help out and meet people that way. This is the time to do what you always wanted to do. Take a course. Get in touch with old friends. Facebook is great for this.

Like said, when u visit keep your distance from Mom.

Love my parents not live my parents!

Thank you so so much everyone for your answers. They have helped me a lot. The fact is, I live my parents. They weren’t like this before they became ill and elderly. Unfortunately with different types of dementia, they only see their problems and don’t see the effect it has on me.
My dad always shows appreciation of my visits but he gets paranoid episodes from time to time which I find difficult.
I just feel that I have lost my mum altogether now. 😢
I would love to get a job or take up classes and get to know people.....have some fun for a change before it is too late but ...... suffer from terrible feelings of guilt for even thinking this. 😩

Yes. Do it. It seems you have set your parents up with a great situation where qualified people are looking after their needs. Let them do their jobs, and go live your life. Put your "daughter" hat on the shelf and only pick it up once a week or so. Find a job that will make you feel accomplished and productive and hopefully allows you to be around some happy people who bring light to your days. You've been a good daughter. Now time to go make a good life for yourself.

You’ve done exactly what you needed to do to provide a good place for your parents. Now do something good for you! Visit less often, keep some distance from mom, and start enjoying things you want to do. Best wishes to you!

The short answer is "Yes!". Look after yourself. Your parents are fine. You do not need to sacrifice your life for them any more and, certainly, stay away from abuse. A job could be a big asset for you. Let us know what you decide.

No one should EVER have to tolerate abuse for any reason. If you feel you need to visit, stay way out of Mom’s reach. How much caring do you actually need to do for them? If they make a lot of requests for things they really do not need, just want, deliver them once every few weeks.

There is no need to visit these discontented, abusive and demanding people more than once a week. You have gone above and beyond to please and satisfy them. If you visit any more often than once a week (or even less), you are deliberately punishing yourself for no reason. What needs to be sorted out for them? Are they demanding you do things that don’t really need to be done? Stop. If there is a power of attorney and they have wills, you shouldn’t need to have to sort anything out. These are people you can’t please and who do not know the meaning of gratitude.

As for a job, keep in mind your age and limitations. Not many people at our age have the wherewithal to start a new career, especially when we are stressed and burned out in the first place. I’ve been thinking about a part time job too, but the jobs I’m looking for involve lifting, which I can’t do, standing, and hours that don’t fit. Volunteering may be a better option. You definitely need some outlet other than visiting your toxic parents.

And for Heaven’s Sake, stop tolerating your mother smacking you. .

I read once that every person needs three forms of support. Support from friends, from a family and from a sense of purpose (job or other responsibility). One can get along with a "zero" in one category but if someone has zeros all across the board, they are very vulnerable when life stresses them.

So it sounds as though the support your family can offer you is low. I would definitely concentrate on developing supportive friend relationships and finding something that provides you with a sense of purpose and satisfaction. If that is a job, excellent, but it could also be a commitment to a cause in which you believe.

You might consider a few sessions with a counselor. It might help you clarify your goals and how to reach them.

If you want a job and can find something you like then yes, go for it! And I would keep your visits short even if you don't have to rush home for work, there basic needs are being met and there is no reason to allow yourself to be abused. You may want to time some (or all) of your visits so that you can see them in public places like the dining room or lounge or join them for group activities (bingo?), or visit your father when she is out.