I’m so emotional right now but need guidance. In 2017, my Dad passed away. My Mom was his caretaker for years. When he passed, we had my Mom move in with us. There was no formal discussion about it. It just happened.
She has been with us for 5 years. She makes meals every now and then, but had excessive health issues. She fell, had hip surgery and we took care of her. She was a very difficult patient and in constant pain. We got her through it, but it was a painful healing process.
Between my husband and I we’ve taken excellent care of her. My husband & I have no children and demanding careers. The hard part is that I have NO boundaries when we have visitors. Because my Mom is lonely, she feels that “my” friends are her friends, sharing private moments from my childhood etc. NO filter. My Mom is NOT reasonable when I share with her that I need space but then she sulks and gives me guilt trips. She has made a scene in front of our friends when I kindly and respectfully asked her to NOT socialize w my friends, when we have them over for dinner. Again, making comments in front of MY friends.
Any ideas on how to deal with stronger boundaries? I’m so miserable dealing w/ her.
There's slim to no chance of that happening, and slim just left town.
You're stuck with mother as she is now, wreaking havoc on your private life b/c you invited her to live with you when she was in her 60s and now she knows no boundaries and wants no boundaries, either. Your home is her home, and that's that.
Let mom know you've done all you can do for her now, and it's time she move into Assisted Living. You love her dearly, but now you and DH need your privacy back and your home to not be turned into a nursing home to facilitate all of her health needs and requirements as the years go by. It's no longer working and you're going to find her a very nice ALF to live in now. Hopefully she has funds to finance that, from the sale of her home or whatever.
You've given 5 years of your life to the woman and that's enough. There is no shame or 'guilt' involved in having her live elsewhere now, where she can get care from TEAMS of people and also socialize with lots of other people her own age. She can have the joy of telling your childhood stories to those she dines with every evening for dinner. Or plays cards with on Wednesday afternoon.
By all means, buy the book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend and try their various techniques to establish some rules in your home where mother is concerned. But when it doesn't work, and you find yourself still 'so miserable dealing w/ her', then go look around at some nice ALFs in town. Let mom know you'll come by to see her frequently, too, and that you're never more than a phone call away. My parents enjoyed AL living for quite a few years, in reality.
And, if it turns out you're stuck with mother for the next 20 years in your home, then don't invite your friends over. Go out with them instead, or to their house where there's no mother around to spoil the evening. Hopefully mother doesn't throw a fit when you DO go out?
Best of luck.
Call your City or County council on aging and see if they have a senior center that your Mom would enjoy. Your Mom would be around people closer to her age group, thus a lot in common, and possibly the center even offers lunch for a small fee. That would not only brighten her day but brighten your day, too.
I never worried about my Mom. She lived not 5 min from me. She always was the one to budget the money so she did it after Dad died. She had her Church and her friends she did things with. Drove all over town. She was 78 when Dad died.
I agree, trying to set a boundary, go eat at a quite place with friends. Seems Mom can be left alone. Just make sure she has a nice dinner. I just wonder how you look in front of your friends when there are confrontations in front of them.
It is going to "just happen" that as your mother further ages and declines, that you and your H become her 24/7/365 caregiver? Will your home become a nursing home for her? If not, have you made some plans for how this will NOT happen?
You may think this analogy is rather inappropriate, but we have something similar in the house over the road from us. Three young men work together (they're all plumbers) and share the house. They have parties, but they also have girlfriends who have flats of their own. Every so often, one couple gets the house, and the stray blokes go and stays with their own girlfriend. Just before 6am, one car leaves and the other guy’s car comes back. Clearly it doesn’t happen by accident! CM may know about Butlin's holiday camps - my mother said they rang a bell at 5.30am so everyone could go back to their own beds.
This is not something you drop on M shortly before hand, it’s planned well in advance and M gets a treat to stay in her room that night. Organise it for once a month, perhaps. You might offer M the same deal, perhaps providing a mini-restaurant, waiting on her and her own guest but just being 'staff'- if that’s possible?
When your mother has lived in your home for five years, she has become part of your family circle.
I'm sorry she's embarrassed you (again?). But expecting her to exclude herself meekly, whether right or wrong, is unrealistic - the fact is that there is no boundary there.
So. You can:
Meet your friends at a restaurant.
Arrange alternative evenings for her, if she's up to it.
Embrace her presence and accept that she's going to speak out of turn sometimes (a "love me, love my mother" approach, if you will).
Consider alternative living arrangements for her.
Consider regular respite breaks, when she goes and stays at a facility for a week or two at a time.
But if she doesn't have a social filter good enough to know when to button it, she certainly won't have the tact and diplomacy to understand with good grace when she is and isn't welcome in what you have made her own home.