Boundaries and Self Care; What about taking care of ourselves?

my husband is now refusing to eat. Takes his pills every so often. When he refuses the facility is putting them in his coffee. They give him Ensure but he is only sipping it. Now he is taking to his bed. The meds to keep him calm and for his libido are working so far. My son called him and the nurse had to bring the phone to him. My son told me “dad can hardly speak.” I, deep down, feel it is getting near that time. I mentioned it to my two sons and that don’t want to hear it. Denial when it comes to me mentioning it. I have no desire to see him but I do call and speak to a nurse. The facility is also on lockdown due to Covid-19 variants. Guilt trip, no not really. I been mentally abused over the years but continued to care for him until the doctors said it is time for him to go into a facility. Might sound uncaring, cruel to some but once you reach THAT limit mentally and physically, you brain stops in its tracks. No more emotions left or tears.

Whenever I leave a comment here on the forum, I always remind the poster to please look after HERSELF because the caregiver tends to focus SO hard on the elder, she forgets herself in the process! The caregiver tends to think ONLY the elder's issues are important and loses herself entirely in the care & management of the elder. The elder's happiness is all that's important. Even when the elder is suffering from Alzheimer's or another dementia and becoming violent, or playing with their feces, staying up all night screaming, or tearing the house up. STILL the caregiver, at wits end and struggling mightily, will come to the forum asking what MORE she can do for her mother, feeling guilty she hasn't done 'enough'! It's mind boggling, really.

You are very right to consider your own health and well being now and remind yourself that there are TWO people here that require loving care: you and your husband, not 'just' your husband.

Now that he's been placed in Memory Care, you have more time to yourself to see to your own care and well being, so that's a good thing. I am an only child to a 95 y/o mother with advanced dementia who lives 4 miles away in a Memory Care ALF. I have been her sounding board for the past 10+ years she's lived close by, and I've managed her entire life the whole time. I've suffered a great deal of stress and emotional pain as a result, but most people don't understand that. ALL they see is HER dementia and HER issues, etc. It's somehow my obligation to do all of this for her, with no questions asked, until the day she dies. In fact, there are those who will say I 'should have' taken her in to live with ME for the past 10 years which was never an option. I'd have died long ago had that been the case, and then where would she be? Anyway, yes, I do understand about putting a demented loved one before ourselves.

Please take good care of yourself now, and keep your visits to DH down to a minimum if they are going to be riddled with anxiety and him begging to come home. Keep him distracted as much as possible, and bring snacks along for the visit. I always keep my visits to under an hour and bring lots of photos/videos along of her great grandson for distraction. Remind him he's at the Memory Care under doctor's orders and can come home when the doctor says he can, and not before. Period.

Wishing you the best of luck with this new chapter of your life.

My situation wasn't Alzheimer's, but it was a lady with a plethora of neuro and physical problems. I tried to help a broken family and it took over my life. Even if the patient were easy-going, her care was a 24/7 job and to some degree I remain the only person who can see that. Most think she "just needs a little help" but those folks were not there at all or were not there often enough when I was trying to care for this lady in her home.

Add to that the fact that the lady was NOT easy going. She was loud and demanding. Like, I'd have my arms literally full of things she asked for and she would ask "where's the such and such that I said I wanted." She was also a dead lift when she fell, incontinent, and fought me on everything. She was always a "my way or the highway" type of person and ALWAYS got others to bail her out of whatever she got herself into. Therefore, she figured I'd get her out of her medical situation - which was not within my control.

The lady got other people on her side that I alone should be doing more. She was never going be cured.... which is bottom line what people really wanted. But there was a weird dynamic going on that if I wasn't going to cure her, I could "at least" tend to her.

My health suffered tremendously. Lost sleep, mental stress, physical lifting/pushing/pulling. There were times when I neglected myself so much that (looking back on it) I cannot believe no one could see it. I had to place the lady in a facility because I could no longer care for her. She's now getting the care she needs. It's been years. I am still trying to recover physically and mentally, but cannot. I fear the stress has taken many years off my life, meanwhile the lady I cared for has lived to be quite old. Oh yes, and her family still resents me - even though I tried so hard as an unpaid, unappreciated volunteer. Please take care of yourself.