Brother insists I travel to care for Mom despite COVID-19, how should I respond?

Very well done, Nicole! Good catch by the case manager. I was wondering if money was part of their game, Sounds like you have a good plan, Take care of yourself!!!

Glad things have worked out so far. I guess your next thing is getting them evicted. APS could probably help here to. I am going to be a little vindictive here, would be nice if brother is brought up on charges. He will be asked to prove the withdrawals from Moms account were for her. If not, thats thieft. He maybe required to pay it all back. Please, don't feel sorry for them. He abused the trust Mom had in him.

Update: I made it to Houston. My mother just finished cancer treatment. The SIL prevented the care manager I hired from taking my mother to her second radiation appointment. When the care manager asked to speak to my mother, SIL refused to allow her to enter the home and speak directly to her. The care manager viewed that as interfering with medical care and called the sheriff to do a wellness check and then opened a case with Adult Protective Services for medical neglect. Additionally, the week before my mother's bank account was more $500 in the negative so financial exploitation is part of the case.

The APS case worker encouraged me to travel to Houston so I could enter the home and take my mother for a medical evaluation. I flew out the next day. (side note: if you have to fly my tips are 1) first flight of the day 2) wear a face shield (you can buy them online) 3) don't eat or drink in the airport).

I went to the family home and took my mother to her childhood home where we are currently staying. My B and SIL harassed me for weeks to "bring my a*s home" to take care of my mom" so they could return to their own home. I have done that and they refuse to leave my mother's house. So I am caring for my mother in her family home until the APS case is resolved. I can work from Houston for the summer, since my office likely won't reopen until after Labor Day. Fortunately, I'm showing no signs of the virus. But Houston is a hotspot and I have to be even more careful here. I will be touring care homes the first week of July and hope that APS and the care manager can offer guidance to balance my mother's wishes against what creates a safe and healthy quality of care in this season of her life.

Hi Nicole
Any updates for us on your situation with your mom in Houston? I’m so glad it looks like they will miss Christbal activity. Of course there are many more to come. Did she flooding during Harvey? I hope you all continue in safety.

Why must you be there in person? Why not have a ZOOM meeting with all parties involved. Will the care manager be supportive of you if you do the ZOOM call? Do your brother and SIL anticipate getting your mother's house because they've chosen to stay with her to care for her? You should not go there in person. You could pick up the virus on the way there and infect everyone, or be quarantined once you get there. You could make your mother sick, which would not be good for anyone, and would certainly add problems that don't exist as of now. I also think you should not speak to either your brother or his wife, and the idea of texting only is a good one. My brother and I were so blessed when our mother talked with us following our father's death. She told us not to pay any attention to here begging, pleading, crying, etc., if she did those things, because she knew we loved her and would do what was best for all of use. She eventually needed to go into extended care in a home near me, where I could visit her every day. At 91 1/2, she willingly agreed to move to my city so we could all be together with my daughter and her family. Fortunately, she and my father were eligible for funds for their assisted living care through my father's military service in WWII. Don't bargain with your mother - no if you do this, you can stay home. SHE needs the care that no one in the family can provide. SHE needs to have someone else provide that care, either a live-in caretaker, or best yet, a residential program.

I think Margaret nailed it & Nicole has it: SIL's has enough.

Now if SIL was writing here... "stepped in to take care of my MIL temporarily, find it's too much, need to back out". What would we all advice her? Pushback to the blood relative - her spouse. And so she has by the sound of it. And brother then pushed back to POA, his sister (OP). POA says time for a care home. So a plan is set... until.

Bro says STOP, no NH! He doesn't want that for his Mother.

So he needs to find an alternative. So far this has been to use his wife & try his best to bully his sister into flying into town.

The problem is here. With the brother's thinking - that he gets to direct others to do what he wants them to do.

He can't see it. It may be possible to start a fresh dialogue with SIL ??maybe?? IF she is reasonable? Gently point out the sticking point is actually her husband. But I think I would lean on the Care Manager & start the Care Home direction instead.

Does mom have the money to pay for a care home, and can you get her in one now?   Or will you have to wait?  Either because of money or pandemic?

Nicole,
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you deciding that your mom needs outside care and that you are not going to become her final, full-time caregiver. Listen to your heart. Offer only what you want to do; not what you feel obligated to do. You can feel comfortable about your decisions. Your brother and sister-in-law can have their own thoughts and opinions, and you can not change them. Do not do anything to pacify someone else if it is not what lies in your heart to do. It sounds like you know what you want to do and what you don't want to do. You can clearly communicate what you will do for Mom, but you don't need to defend yourself. If you find things get out of control with phone calls (narcissism) then say you prefer texts or emails. Just because your brother decided to "come to rescue" and now finds himself in over his head, it is not your problem. He has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that Mom needs a different living situation - instead of trying to ease his conscience by getting YOU to fly there. Just remember, stand up for what you believe is right in your heart, but come to terms with the fact that you can't change others' thoughts - so don't try.

It seems that the only response B and SIL want is that you will take over. They think you 'ought to'. It fully explains what's going on.

"So the care manager is recommending that I travel to Houston within the week and get myself ready for Mom and my family interactions."

Ugh. How did she arrive at that recommendation?

Sounds like BIL and SIL haven't been married that long? The caregiving is undoubtedly putting a huge stress on their new marriage, and that may be what is driving a lot of the anger towards you.

From an earlier post: "She stated she had given up her life and I am ungrateful."

Your mother needs a lot of care (info from your profile). While BIL doesn't want her in a facility, you are open to that (right?). He decided to care for her, and so you were not a part of that decision, so it is not your responsibility to facilitate making his bad decision work.

It is not safe for you to travel (you are coming from a hot spot), nor for your mother for you to be with her. Travel is supposed to be avoided.

Who is your mother's POA? HCPOA? How long would it take for her to become Medicaid-eligible?

Not sure, but I'm getting a whiff of *you are female so must become the caregiver* fumes coming from this brother..?? Something about his behaviour certainly stinks.

Nicolle, it’s worth thinking about Grace’s comment: ‘If you go, brother and SIL may leave, on the basis that they are not abandoning her because you are there’. That may be the ‘something missing’ that doesn’t seem to add up in the change of story. If your mother’s health has deteriorated so much and so quickly, there should be a doctor involved with whom you can check the ‘near death’ story. Perhaps it might be a good idea to start researching other options that will have to be put in place if they want to stop their care, but just aren’t willing to admit it.

After your last reply, I was thinking how lucky we are here, with 102 deaths from a population of 25 million. Proportionately, that would be 400 deaths from a population of 100 million, 1200 deaths from a population of 300 million. I can’t begin to comprehend 100,000 deaths from your own 300 million population. I am so sorry for what you have all been going through, on top of the normal trials of life.

Do not give in ...stay away. Tell him you’re not a caregiver. I sacrificed my life for my 93 yo mother with dementia. I get abused every day. Big mistake I made discharging her from SNF 3 years ago. No appreciation from her whatsoever. Don’t do it. Hugs 🤗

So Brother & SIL are staying with Mum but have had enough & want to go home? Is that right?

They could arrange more care through the Care Manager themselves (or with you as a team) then leave. Right?

That would be the common sense/adult thing to do. What am I missing?

I agree that now is not a good time to travel and I don't see why your brother and sister in law would want you to put yourself and your mother's health in danger. If he calls or send text messages ranting I would inform him that living with mom appears to be a lot for him and his new wife and you are going to start researching facilities (unless you are moving to Texas to care for mom) and it is obvious it is overwhelming for the two of them. If you do go to Texas this may be a way for him to leave mom in your care and not return and then he won't feel like he abandoned her because after all you will be there. Don't fall for it. Everyone can't provide hands on care to a loved one and please don't feel that you are required to do so.

Tell him he has two choices:
1) Mom goes into a facility
2) He is welcome to remain there and care for mom because he made a choice to move in with mom so that she would not go into a facility.

I hope this answer isn’t annoying, but it amazes me that this is even a possibility. In Australia all state borders are closed, only essential transport (eg food) can cross into our state. I am in South Australia (in the middle at the bottom of the map). We have only had one Covid19 case since April 18, and that case was someone from a cruise ship who had slipped under the radar for several weeks because it was mild. Stick to your guns. If your government was as tough as ours, you would have total backup to do the safe thing and stay home.

You have the right to say no. They have the right to blast you to family members and on Facebook.  Not certain why you describe yourself as caring for your mom.  The care manager may be saying mom is doing well because of their care.  Not certain what the care manager adds, other than pacifiying you

"No."

No is a complete answer.

You all have been so helpful. Despite the “theory that death is near because Mom says she’s tired” I’m not making any plans to travel this week or in the immediate future. I FaceTimed with mom and told her I loved her. I’ll do that every day that I can. I don’t feel safe traveling and I don’t feel safe with my brother and SIL. I have offered to help coordinate next steps in the care plan if things need to change from DC. I’m just going to take each day as it comes and do my best by my mom and for myself.

I tend to agree with you, surprise. It just fits bro and sil's agenda too well.

Nicole - can you get an opinion about your mother's current state of health from her doctor or someone who doesn't have a vested interest in you going there?

Just FYI, my mthr referenced long dead relatives just because she had dementia. Her tiredness could come from a light case of Covid. And if the care manager has not seen mom to determine these things for herself, she could be fed these things by SIL to get you hooked into coming down.

My opinion: don't go. Tx is currently experiencing a big outbreak. If your mom passes, she has lived a good life but will avoid the horrible end game of dementia - the immobilization, lack of communication, and lack of bodily control. If you are there in person, there's nothing you can do to help that someone else currently close by cannot do better. If your mom is close to death, hospice should asses her, not you.

I see this as a manipulative move by SIL to bypass your "no." If you consider your "no, I can't possibly do that" to be final, stick by it. You can visit mom by FaceTime with the Care Manager.

Nicole, sorry but I posted before reading your last post. Sounds like the Care Manager is giving you good insights into the situation. You might consider asking her as well about the friction generated by brother and his wife, and suggestions on how to counter it while still STANDING your ground and maintaining your own self respect.

You don't say where your Bro and SIL are living but apparently its neither DC or Houston. I would simply say, "why don't YOU travel from your location to Houston"? Selfish people always expect everyone else to do the heavy work and excel at making you feel small and disposable with excuses such as "well we have the 6 kids and I make 7 times what you make and my job is so important the company will fold if I leave or get sick and Betty is afraid to fly and she can't get her special bourbon in Houston".

Unless your brother and SIL are sending specific texts that have specific answers "did you send mom her pralines, she said you didn't" - "Yes, I did, here is the tracking number and the front desk signed for them", simply don't respond. You don't have to respond to vitriol. I would avoid all phone calls since they can get out of hand so easy. Selfish narcissists always, ALWAYS have to have the last word so no matter how the discussion starts, they won't let it go until they think they have won. It was a hard but valuable and successful lesson I learned during a very ugly divorce years ago. I avoided initiating all contact unless it involved one of our children and then I would email a very quick, neutral sentence. He would usually respond with pages of rage and name calling. It took everything I had to ignore it. Many times I would 'reply' in a blank email and then delete it, taking care that I could never accidentally send it. He continued to behave like a child and I felt more in control and grew in my own self-esteem every day.

Don't allow them to use you to fill whatever voids they have. Stay HOME and coordinate with the care manager. You won't do your mom any good if you end up a statistic.

Nicole, I'm not entirely familiar with your situation, so this observation is merely based on this thread.

And I say this as kindly as I can: you expressed the core issue of the situation very well: "One button that gets successfully pushed is me helping Mom and wanting to be as responsive as I can be."

Beyond agreeing with others that it's inappropriate to travel now, the ability to manipulate and put you in a compromising or defensive position suggests to me that this is a lever, and a powerful tool, that they'll continue to use.

I do know that feelings of guilt can arise from not being present on the scene. Do you think this is what they're doing, capitalizing on your distance from your mother?

I would discuss this with the care manager and get a professional opinion, but traveling now would not benefit either you or your mother healthwise if she's getting decent care now (and I know nothing about this situation, so this is merely a speculation),.

I can certainly understand the pressure of feeling the need to be closer to your mother, and unfortunately this is a time when traveling is far from safe, so that could increase the guilt feeling and give your brother more leverage over you.

Thank you all. The care manager spoke with SIL who says my mom is saying “she’s tired” and mentioning deceased family members as though they are still alive. She hasn’t stopped eating or anything, but Mom is communicating that. The care manager believes SIL is referencing a theory some have when death is nearing. So the care manager is recommending that I travel to Houston within the week and get myself ready for Mom and my family interactions. At this time brother and SIL are staying with mom to make sure she’s safe.

Say you’re sorry, but your three best friends are telling you not to go. Your best friends’ names are Backbone, Self-Respect, and Nobody’s Doormat. Up Your Nose with a Rubber Hose and Sit On It also agree, since you wanted to be sure.

Tell them that this is impossible for you to do at this time, and that you are very sorry. Do not argue. Do night fight. Do no engage. Simply repeat "I am very sorry; I do not wish to endanger my own life at this time. I am unable to help right now and feel very bad about this". Do not say anything else. Going into the fact that you do NOT wish to endanger the lives of all, and that their verbal abuse will not make you MORE likely to take that risk is true, but will only cause more verbal abuse and argument. Good luck. It is sounding like it may be coming to the time that they are feeling helpless in the care of Mom, and desperate. Likely they should now be considering assisted living or other situations. Your riding to the rescue will not help anyone, even Mom, and will endanger ALL of you. Hard times, these.

Don't do it. It is not their decision. it is yours.

What is healthy is to set boundaries and respect yourself and your needs as well as providing for your mother as you can. You are doing that via a care manager. Good for you!!!

There are healthy ways to respond, but a healthy relationship is not possible with unhealthy people, in my opinion and experience. So keep your distance emotionally and physically, detach from their demands, and continue on the path you have planned which is a good one. ((((((hugs))))))) I know it is hard dealing with narcissistic relatives.

I think in the circumstances we are in, you are doing the right thing by having the professionals handle things. Don't let relatives dictate to you what you should do. Ignore them.