Brother is excluding me from mother's care decisions. What do I do?

So sorry but I am sure others will pop up that are in the same boat.

Why did you not have Mom assign you POA while you were caring for her? She seems of sound mind. I think you need to step back and take advantage of not being called on 24/7. This is how it is sometimes. The one doing all the work, usually the girl, gets no recognition of the work she does. Why...its expected. Women's lives and jobs seem indispensable. Not a boys. They do nothing but always the Golden ones. TG my parents appreciated me. My Dad even thanked me for doing for my Mom what my brothers never seemed important.

He is dangerous and possibly unhinged. Keep the abusive texts in case you need to prove the progression of his anger. He has threatened to assault your husband, and you need to be prepared if he follows through. If you are around when he's threatening or showing any other abusive behavior, take pictures or video on your cell phone. And be prepared to call the police if he threatens anyone again. It's not just physical violence that counts when reporting incidents to the police. They will take into account verbal abuse as well. Please enter a contact number for the police in your phone right now so you'll be ready if necessary. I hope you stay safe.

You and your husband should go to the local PD ASAP, with printed out texts reflecting the threatened assaults, and ask how to get a PPO (Personal Protection Order) and/or a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) which is typically broader in scope.

In my area, the local county has a department which handles these emergency type restrictive orders. A judge signs, based on the petitions, (and in our case) w/o a hearing. The Sheriff or other LEO serves the order on the defendant.

This will at least keep him away from you.

You could also ask about getting the same kind of legal restraints on behalf of your mother, or ask the LEOs how to get this accomplished. I don't know whether a TRO could prevent him from reassigning and meddling with her assets; ask that of the LEO you see.

These kinds of threats suggest someone with mental impairment, anger issues, and danger to family.

Ah--we have twin brothers! Mine was SUPER controlling with mom, but he also had POA for her, and used it as the excuse for every decision he made. Actually, she never was deemed to have dementia, so his POA was kind of worthless.

Your brother sounds super controlling and dangerous. Since you don't have legal say--you will have to do something to prove brother is unhinged. I think GA made some great comments and I'd follow through.

This post serves as a warning to the rest of us to make sure our families know what we WANT, who we WANT to be our mouthpiece when/if the time comes.

Family is great until it isn't. Sadly, what you are going through is very, very common.

From one 'devil' to another.

Thanks for all your replies. I think the Police may have to get involved if it continues and I will record him if he starts. It just seems odd to me (thats an understatement) that someone can be so insensitive that if you disagree with him he flies off the handle. He has turned into our dad, a man he left home to get away from. Theres no point asking someone to do something when actually the choice is do as you are asked or I will accuse you of not loving your mother and explode, firing off long abusive texts instantly. If I had written these texts I would be so embarrassed I would want to crawl into a hole. He on the other hand is going round relatives telling them that it doesnt have to be like this and shes blocked me. Of course I blocked him. I was told not to phone him or mum or come to my mothers house or take any part in mums care and that I dont exist and I wont get an invite to mums funeral. Why would he think he has a right to phone me? Mum didnt want POA and didnt see the need for it. Of course he just does as he sees fit and she has it, though I think hes just started it, as it takes months. Mum is of an age that you defer to men. Emptying mums bank account and getting it transferred elsewhere must have been done with her consent. However shes so ill that I cant discuss this with her so how he managed to get the bank to accept this I dont know. Im not going to fight the transfer of money, but it was the final issue that he didnt control and he now has that. Mums given up with her recent health news and doesnt care anymore. I just find it hard being consigned to the role of a disgrace of a daughter as he called me, when it was me and my husband that have been there for mum for years while he did as he liked 400 miles away. When the time comes, and it wont be long, how do I arrange a funeral for mum with him? My family say leave it to him, thats what he said and he wont involve me anyway. Its a complete mess

No, you are not the devil. Your brother sounds like a dysfunctional bully and complete, manipulative jerk. He has serious mental problems and hopefully no gun. What you can do for yourself is get a professional to help you. Call the police now if not done so earlier for this very dangerous situation.

First of all, please know that unfortunately this type of scenario happens more often than one would like to know. I am sorry that you are the recipient of your brother's displaced and projected anger, bullying and, verbal abuse; none of which are appropriate nor permitted. You nor any other person has to be subjected to verbal abuse, and other types of control behaviors. Your brother may have many personal issues causing this type of behavior, but none of them make it allowable.
His own grief ( which includes anger, denial, guilt among other emotions) may be driving some of his inappropriate behavior; there could be a myriad of reasons that are only his problems that he now chooses to cope with by projecting blame and shame onto you.

Please speak with the case manager for your mother for some intervention with your brother's behaviors. The case manager ( usually a social worker or an RN) can schedule meetings both 1:1 with each of you and, more importantly a family meeting to begin to defuse and, support each of you and the family as a whole at this time that your mother obviously needs both of you.

Also, please speak with your faith leader ( if you practice a faith) for their support ; and/or please speak with the chaplain in pastoral care services at the hospital where your mother is. The chaplain should definitely be a part of the care that you are receiving, even if you do not practice a specific religion ; and they can support you whatever your faith or religion of choice is.

And, just because your brother says he has POA, may or may not be true; if there is a way to confirm this , please do. Sadly, illness and pending death or death itself often brings out the worst in human and family behaviors; namely control and greed or need for self affirmation to account for past remisses. None of this or all of this or some of this may be true in this sad picture.

It is often sadly also the case that the care giver ( you !) who is there or has been there day in and day out, is the recipient of either or both the patient's or other family members anger, blame, and grief ( which by the way most do not realize this is what they are feeling). And, then when a new or different family member strolls in ( like a long lost brother who has not been directly involved) or sometimes any "different" or " new person" the patient views them as the "savior" and, begins to place accolades of praise on them.

You, your mother, your brother and other family are all in a state of past , present and anticipatory grief which carries with it a range of human emotions affected by many different risk factors. A qualified chaplain and /or social worker or both can help you through this storm.

Either way, do not allow yourself to be the punching bag of your brother's nor anyone elses bullying, control issues, verbal abuse or other inappropriate behaviors.

Please consider speaking with the professionals I have suggested above to further assist you toward some peaceful resolutions and, reality checks for your brother.

Blessings

"Emptying mums bank account and getting it transferred elsewhere must have been done with her consent. However shes so ill that I cant discuss this with her so how he managed to get the bank to accept this I dont know. Im not going to fight the transfer of money, but it was the final issue that he didnt control and he now has that. "

What bank account? How much was in it? Do you think he's transferred it to his personal account? What does her will state -- were any assets supposed to be split equally between the two of you?

Besides the anticipatory grief for you of your mother dying, it's a slap in the face to also be facing the death of the relationship with your brother.

I am glad that you are still able to visit your mother in the hospital.

Treat it like a job. Many times your boss or management will do things you disagree with. The way you handle it is to negotiate and convince them your idea has merit. The better you are the more you get. Everything in life is a negotiation learn to play the game.

Your brother is power hungry and greedy. The police won’t get involved in this saying it’s a civil matter and as long as your mother goes along with your brother’s wishes APS won’t get involved either.

It seems as if your brother is the golden child in mom’s eyes and this happens so often nowadays.

My brother did the same thing to me & even went so far as to take my mom to a lawyer to amend her trust 100% to him. I now have a lawyer trying to fight him using undue influence over my mom with dementia.

Let this be a lesson to everyone……do not do any caretaking unless you have medical & financial POA.

My sibling has forever ruined the relationship we once had. Best wishes to you.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm the sole caretaker for my father with 3 other siblings. 2 have done absolutely ZERO to help my Dad and one of those siblings is also the golden child. My brother. He hasn't lifted a FINGER to help my Dad - in fact, he hasn't even seen him in 7 years. But my father has always taken care of him, paid his rent. He hasn't held a job in 30+ years - simply lived off my Dad's meager wages. And all the while my Dad would make excuses for him - "he's sick...blah blah blah" etc. Let me tell you this - he's not sick. He just has mental issues and is afraid of working because my father enabled him all these years.

So now my Dad has dementia and has needed help the last 6 years and because I was the closest and because I actually DO care about my Dad, I've taken care of him. Cleaned his apartment, got him aids, moved him to assisted living and now moved him into a Nursing home. Luckily I'm POA. So I do control his assets and use them for my Dad's care.

But my golden-child brother demands he get all the funds that remain. He says "Dad wanted me to have his money." He even convinced my father when he had dementia to give him the passwords to his account so he could continue to essentially pay himself rent from my Dad's accounts when my Dad no longer had the faculty to say No.

So anyway what I'm trying to say is - I can sympathize with your plight! There are greedy evil people all over this world. I have even agreed to give all the funds left to my greedy brother because I don't want nor NEED my father's money. But yeah - my brother still is complaining that I'm spending too much on my Dad's care - that he doesn't really need it... He's absolutely insane.

Sorry didn't mean to make this about me but I did. Yeah - I mean all I can say is just keep doing what you're doing I guess. Without that POA you don't have a lot of legal recourse. You can just try and see your Mom when he's not there like you're doing. I suppose you could talk to a lawyer if you're not sure your brother has POA and if he doesn't, you could get POA. Also you can report people for elder abuse if you feel your brother is not doing his duty in caring for your mom - you'll need evidence of this.

Good luck - hang in there.

Please call Adult Protective Services to evaluate your mother's medical condition and what care is needed at this juncture. You might want to contact an Elder Law Attorney to advise you about Mum, her money and where there would be a POA document registered (to verify brother's involvement). If you get anymore threats, forward them to your mail box and save them, should you need to prove his intentions with the police for a "no contact" order.

Do not let your brother ruin your peace of mind with threats of any kind. She will need nursing care at the end when organs start failing; it is best to start visiting the cancer center to see a counselor about the process and your grief, if you haven't already. Glad to hear that you blocked him; hope your husband has too.

I would not block him as he will use this against you. You don’t have to answer his calls and I wouldn’t. Tell mom you need a break for a couple of weeks and she should call her son for her needs, You might want to talk to the hospital social worker and ask for her/his help including if she knows of a lawyer who will send your brother a cease and desist letter. You might as well ease into the legal system as it’s heading straight towards you. Good luck.

doozie - you wrote: "Mum thinks the sun shines out of him."

She's the one to blame for the situation you're in.

If the account was closed and a new account opened, he is either POA now or your mother is responsible. You may not be able to do anything about the situation.

doozie: You state "He seems to think this is normal and he has this right." You preface that with "Obviously he can't do these things."; I am unsure what you mean to imply by 'doing these things' as he IS. In what way is your brother acting 'normal?' He is showing virulent behavior.

Whoever has POA and as long as your mother is not of sound mind, the POA can do a lot of things. Also you said at once time you were included with mom's bank account, and now is with your brother and not you--the bank would have never allowed that unless your mom was of sound mind at the time. I assume you do not have the legal POA document, and I assume your mom still has her wits.

If your mum has sound mind she can do whatever she likes with her money.

You need to work with your family and sort this out, and if it is your mom's wishes to rely on your brother graciously accept that, because your mom, by your own statement, said she has advanced cancer. Let her last days be of peace and your two need to get along even if it is a façade. I know this is all about money and inheritance. Well, it's HER money and she can do whatever she likes with it.

WHILE I AGREE whoever does all the care SHOULD be the POA, it is not so unless you have the legal document. That is why it is essential to see an eldercare attorney prior. You can do things like set up a caregiver's contract which you become the paid employee living off her estate...true you have to pay taxes, but your brother cannot take advantage of you. You also need to have POA legal papers drawn up and signed by your mom. Further, a Will needs to be drawn up with regards to the house and who gets what, and who will become trustee. POA is null and void at the moment of death.

Without estate planning and if the house is in her name, you are going to have a legal mess because her estate will go into PROBATE and you will have to deal with attorneys and legal fees. It can take up to two years to go before a judge, especially without a will. It's a real legal mess. If she owns a car and it is just in her name that too will go into probate because of insurance and the ownership will need to be legally transferred.

EVEN IN DEATH, the government and legal system got their greedy tentacles into everything and without estate planning you will have a real royal mess to deal with.

What you are describing is not uncommon and you found out the people who will stab you in the back is your own family. When it comes to money their true colors shine. Estate planning is the only prevention getting the shaft.

Has your brother always been controlling? Did you get along before this? Some people when they are appointed POA get a little crazy. I don't understand how family can turn on each other like that. Distance yourself from him and don't let him walk all over you. Good luck

Once, there was a woman who had two children, a boy and a girl. The girl tried hard to please her mother while the boy abused and cussed at his sister and wished her gone. The mother looked on and smiled at her son calling him ‘good boy.’

The girl was confused and wondered what she should do.

doozie- can you help this little girl?

Go see a lawyer who deals with elder law. Seems your brother may be scamming your mother - which is against the law.