I am elderly woman (over 60) and have one sibling, a 56 year old brother. My brother is a multi-millionaire and made close to one million last year. I am single and have no children and am struggling financially and have autoimmune health issues and other serious health issues that are not covered by insurance. We have one living parent, our Mother who is fighting two cancers. My brother has a 14 year old son, my mothers only grandchild. My brother controls our Mom and bullies her into doing what he wants and giving him what he wants by threatening to prevent our Mom from seeing his son (her only grandchild) unless she does what he asks her to do. She has always favored my brother and he uses this too. I have been Mom’s care giver, care coordination, personal assistant, social worker, doing everything and anything she wants and needs ( all her errands, food shopping, etc) for over 7 years. ( I live in my own and have sacrificed to the detriment of my finances, physical and mental health, home in disrepair, etc). I have picked up the slack and have done 95% of everything when it comes to our Mother because my multi-millionaire brother is always too busy. My brother does NOT have a job, rather he owns many properties he collects rents from. My brother keeps busy jet skiing, snowboarding, coaching baseball, playing pickle ball, working out at the gym, mountain bike riding, going out with the guys, going to Panera Bread, dating girls he meets online, going to the METS game, going to the YANKEES game, taking his son and his son’s mother out to eat. And in his “downtime” he claims he is in pain and has “Parkinson’s” ( even though several neurologists told him he does not have it) . So he is never available to help with ANYTHING. It is a job just to get my brother on board with the smallest of things, like listening to the doctors give us a treatment plan for our Mom. My Mom has a seven year old car and I asked her if she would put me on the title because I do not have a car and I was hoping she would care about me should something happen to her. I felt I did the hard work and sacrifice to help her survive for the past 7 years and was hoping she would now help me. My brother insisted I pay our Mom 15000.00 for the Car and somehow talked my Mom into GIVING HIM THE 15,000.00. So my mother agreed to what my brother said and told me that if I wanted the car, I would have to pay her 15,000.00 and she would give that 15,000.00 to my brother. My brother and mom were valuing the car at a market value of 30,000.00! The subaru is not in great condition and is a 2017. My brother said “ what’s fair is fair “ and he needs to get the money for half the value of the car. His 14 year old son told my mother that I “helped my Mom all these years to get her car“ and then his 14 year old son said to my Mom: “Give me the car grandma. I want the car“. I had the car appraised and the value came in below what my brother said, but my Mom said the car is worth “that money to her” and she wants that amount. Everytime there was an expense for my Mom ( buying her a new dishwasher, buying her a new pool liner, paying the taxes on her home, paying off her mortgage, paying for her transportation back and forth to her treatment appointments), I always was required to pay HALF, which was harder for me. It was easier for my brother to pay his half since he makes a lot of money every year.
*My brother has used me and taken advantage of me in other instances as well. He is now saying he owns more than half the contents of my moms home. How do I protect myself from him? How do I protect myself from him manipulating my mom and using his son to manipulating my mom out of her assets? All I want is to be treated fairly. And because I sacrificed quite a bit for a very long time and lost a lot in the process, I feel that I should not be cheated out of my inheritance as well.
If you are only in your 60s you are not elderly.
You complain your brother doesn’t have a job, and is a multi millionaire. He only collects rent for properties he owns. That’s called a landlord, and it is indeed a job.
It is not your brother’s responsibility to support your mother. It sounds like you just foolishly chose to sacrifice everything to try and caregive and now you’re just bitter about your poor life choices.
Time to untangle yourself from all this nonsense and develop your own independent life.
Exactly right. It's time to stop being a victim and blaming everyone else.
Your brother sounds like he isn't a very nice guy. That being said it does not make him responsible for the miserable life you're living today. That's on you and no one else. He's rich but that doesn't mean he owes you anything.
I know what it's like to be in a situation like yours and have a mother like yours that I was forced to be a caregiver to. I moved back in with her a few years ago and I've moved back out again.
I will not be her caregiver anymore. You don't have to do this anymore either.
Your mother has no respect for you and obviously loves your brother and his son a lot more than you. My mother is the same way. My brother was like the second coming and am basically the equal to a bag of garbage left on the side of the road.
You have to learn how to stop being a victim and how to stop blaming other people for what your life is. These two things can't happen until you start taking responsibility for yourself. When you do it will change you. You'll start respecting and loving yourself. Then you will start putting yourself and your needs first and it feels wonderful.
Going to therapy would be a good start for you. If your mother relies on you to have her needs met like meals, travel, hygiene assistance, housekeeping, doctor's appointments/errands, etc... blow her off until she learns how to be respectful to you. Don't do anything for her. Don't even speak to her. Also, if she wants you to continue caregiving for her, make her start paying for it. You don't have to do it for free. If her and your brother cannot figure out how to compensate you for caregiving services stop doing for her.
(2) I have asked for a small amount of money for caregiving because I live on my own and pay my own living expenses. I only have my self to rely on for support. When you caregive for severely ill parents, it is very time consuming and takes you away from focusing on your own stuff. When I was caregiving for my dad for 2 years full time before he died, My brother told my Father not to give me any compensation for caring for him and said to me “Are you kidding? You want to be paid to take care of your Father. You should be ashamed of yourself!”…. Mom complains if I use her credit card to put gas in the car when I am doing her errands. Because I also do a few things for myself , she gets angry and says : “I am not paying for your gas!” My brother keeps telling my Mom and others that I am putting my food on my Mom’s credit card when I pick up the food shopping which is a lie. I hand my Mom a receipt each and every time and I have my own receipt for my food which was paid with my credit card. I have been doing ALL her food shopping for seven years.
(3) My decision to take care of my sick parents was not foolish. It was done from my heart because I felt bad for them and they had no one else. Some of you are saying “let your brother take care of her”. My brother recently said to me: “Do you think it is fair that when I go to Mommy’s to visit that she has no food for me to eat? Shouldn’t she buy food for me and my son to eat when we are there?” So there you have it. My brother is not looking to take care of her and he was only an occasional visitor when my poor Dad was in hospitals, nursing homes and emergency rooms for two years straight ( dad never made it home). My Dad was scared and I felt that and therefore I could not leave him.
(4) Yes, Mom’s health is more important than anything. And I have fought by her side for seven years and encouraged her and was good to her. We are at a point where she has to decide what to do with the car. I have been using it to do things mostly for her and only very necessary things for me because my car broke down in 2020. ( had it fixed and it broke down again )… ( I was only using my car before that ). So the practical thing is that I do need a car. Mom’s battle has not been an easy one and there was always another serious issue that had to be addressed. Staying one step ahead of stage 4 anal cancer is difficult, especially when Mom is a smoker, but we have been doing it for seven years ( but Mom has had to have lots of procedures, pancreatitis, etc). *She was just diagnosed with small cell lung cancer about a month ago ( which is from smoking ) and now is back to chemo and radiation. I think they caught it in time. I believe she will be ok. She has an excellent team of doctors. She is 83. Being a “cancer caregiver” non-stop for several years takes a toll.
(5) Regarding seeing a counselor, .. I did get a family therapist to do telehealth visits with myself and my Mom, but these did not go well. Mom did not like them and cancels them most of the time.
(6) I am in bad shape physically, financially, home is a mess… so bad I am overwhelmed. (I have no working A/C and my heat just broke.) Mom gets mad at me for not taking better care of my house and refused to come to my home because she said “ it would sicken her”. My brother tells me to sell it. But AGAIN, the only person I am blaming is myself. I NEVER expected anyone to take care of me, but I am angry at myself for not taking better care of myself and what God has given me.
(7) SO KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW ( KNOWING THE EFFECT IT WOULD HAVE ON MY LIFE), WOULD I HAVE DONE THINGS DIFFERENTLY? Probably but I am the sort of person that felt she had no choice. But “hindsight is 20/20”.
In fact, we each make our choices as to help or not. We have that right. Your values are not the same as your brother's values. To hang on to the belief that he "should" help is not helping you.
I would really like to see you focus on yourself and your own needs and let go of the toxicity from your mother and brother. Counselling would be an idea to help you center on yourself and what you can do for you. I believe that you can build a good life. 60 is not that old. I am 85 and have had lots of changes in the past 25 years. Goodness!!!
I know that letting go of dysfunctional family members isn't easy as some of us have have been groomed to be servants, but it can be done. Go for it! You have prayers from me too.
What have you changed since you wrote here a year ago? You were given advice at that time. Have you followed any of it?
Yes, your caregiving slavery has cost you too much. It is what you chose to do for 10 years.
Yet, you won't walk away and leave your mother's care to your brother. You do not realize that your idea of the "right thing to do" for your mother is the WRONG thing to do for you. Remember, your mother raised your brother, so are you really sure that all your sacrifices are what you think of as "doing the right thing"?
STOP
STOP
Stop sacrificing your health
Stop sacrificing your financial welfare
Stop being a doormat
I could go on but you get the point..at least I hope you do.
You have to protect yourself and protect what savings you have for YOUR future. If you think that your brother will help you I think you are going to be disappointed, If you are hoping mom will pass something on to you when she dies as the old saying goes, don't count your chickens before they are hatched. And at this rate your mother will outlive you.
Give your notice now that you have other plans for any help that she needs. Let brother carry the load, and if he doesn't want to or can't he can pay someone to do it for him.
Forget "fair". Fair is a carnival typically held in the summer where people go to have fun. Fair is not life.
You need to establish and adhere to boundaries.
If you don't, if you can't NOTHING will change. YOU have to make changes in your life for anything to change.
(1) I have spoken to my Mom’s medical facility and explained to them I just cannot continue doing everything for Mom, but will do what I can. They said I have “caregiver burnout”.
(2) I informed other family members, ( my mothers cousins and my mothers brother and sister-in-law ) that I have some concerning health issues and can no longer take care of mom because I have to work on myself. I also explained to them that she has screamed at me on a regular basis and I now have severe anxiety as well.
(3) I had gotten my Mom a Health Aide in the house (20 hours a week) at no cost to her , so that has been in place before and after the pandemic for the past several years.
(4) I also put food assistance in place for mom and mom takes in a decent amount of money every year. So hopefully she will be able to manage.
* Mom is angry at me, but does not want to do anything for me and thus she told me not to do anything more for her. And I honestly cannot do it anymore. But I had to COMPLETELY CRASH before I decided to back away and even then I still met with her doctors to make sure there was a plan in place to address this new cancer and I had some of her appointments moved up. NOW, I do need support to learn how to take care of myself again. And there are days that I feel so depressed and anxious. Trying to be strong … I once was very strong … but I LOST myself. I do not know if any of you can quite understand. There is more to the story but I will not bore you with that.
MY ADVICE TO OTHERS: CAREGIVING IS DIFFICULT UNDER THE BEST OF CIRCUMSTANCES. BUT IF YOU ARE IN A SITUATION WITH A DIFFICULT PARENT OR PERSON WHO YOU ARE CAREGVING FOR, SEEK OUT ADVICE AND HELP BECAUSE THE RESULTING STRESS FROM THIS WILL ONLY DESTROY YOUR MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH, AND YOUR LIFE. All circumstances must be considered like if you can afford the time to do this and whether or not you have another source of financial and moral support.
…sometimes the reason someone got so poor (like you) is because they’re kind, giving.
…i say “sometimes”, because there are always exceptions.
…in addition, your brother continued to get richer because he had all that free time, since all your mother’s problems were dumped on you. thanks to you, he got richer.
…because of him, you got poorer.
you brother won’t change. you said he bullies you, takes advantage of you. that’ll never change.
i hope your mother will do the right thing and give you what you should get, for all the kind help you gave; your precious time and energy.
many, many, many daughters/sisters are taken advantage of. women are more exploitable. i really hope you get justice - and anyone else in a similar situation.
❤️
You are bravely shining a light around in this hole.
SEEING your situation.
Seeing a little clearer can light your way.
I really hope you can start looking for & find the right counsellor to support you. Right now & ongoing. To help you ask questions, to allow new thoughts to emerge, practice new thinking patterns, build confidence & build those steps UP & OUT.
It can be done.
Over 60..
Elderly or SENSATIONAL ??
It's a mindset. Never to late to change your mind.
If you think you’re elderly at 60, you need to think again. Between 60 and 80 could be the best years of your life.
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