I took on the role of becoming my husband's grandmother's caretaker. I was asked by his mother and aunt to take this role since I have experience from both my grandmothers and have worked in memory care. I quit my job and exited from school (had 1 year left), we moved to a different state so we can be closer to his side of family. I understood that I would be dedicating most of my time to her as she's in mid stage Alzheimer's and needs 100% help with daily living. Before, she lived in her own apartment and had her daughters to come in the morning to help her bathe and get her in her chair, feed her breakfast, and then they'd head off to work. Although they had cameras on her, there wouldn't be anyone with her until later in the day to put her to bed after dinner. She became incontinent and stopped eating so main reason she is now with us. She's been with us for 2 months now. Although her daughters thought the worst of things and complained about what she can't do, that's not the case. Apparently, as my husband has stated, she's always looked for sympathy and has been a hypochondriac as long as he can remember. When she has to go, I literally have to pick her up bc she refuses to use her legs although we have caught her kicking her blankets off and putting them over the bed when she rings her bell for me to come get her to go pee. She acts like she's throwing up when I plop her back in her wheelchair after throwing my back out to pick her up bc I'm squeezing her too hard. She tries to escape at night from her bed. We've had to barracade her with rails but she'll use her might to move them away. She'll throw fits when we're making her eat. She HATES her excercises. There are times that she's bored and will have me take her to the bathroom to do nothing and have me take her back to her chair. She has remote control chair that for some reason keeps thinking it's the remote for the tv but when she's ready to get up, she remembers what buttons to push to get up and almost out then scolds me for not being there when she has to go. Trust me, we've told her to stay put but she's stubborn. The meds she will take fine, the easiest out of it all. She gets a sponge bath every morning, lotion, nail fungi cream, deodorant, hair washed and fixed, outfit and Coumadin and fuzzy socks, she won't hold her toothbrush so you have to do it, and have laundry done daily..all requests from her daughters. I don't mind it, I'd like that done too.
I think the hardest of this all is she has been dumped on me. Her daughters do not come over and if they do, it's to drop off diapers and wipes, tell her to stay in her chair, and then gone. My husband helps by becoming the cook. I also feel like my children are suffering from it. We put them into virtual school since MIL suggested it so I'm not leaving her alone. I'm now their learning coach (they have teachers but I'm doing most of the teaching on lessons from certain courses). My 8 year old daughter reminds mamaw of her youngest daughter so she calls for her a lot and it upsets me because she expects her to pick her up or get her things. The bell rings all night. It wakes my kids up. The bell was per request of my MIL too.
I just feel like I was wriggled into this since they didn't want any of it anymore. They're back to their vacays and dart and card nights. I'm 28 and have literally left my life behind in order to dedicate it to this 79 year old woman. I don't think I've put on makeup since she's been here let alone been outside. Or a good night's rest. I hide in the bathroom now. I cry and my husband just blames his family. I'm having to watch her 24/7. I have a window during certain hours to go shower, throw my hair up, and get back to her. When I'm asking someone to come help, her daughters can't and won't. I resent having to all this again the next day. I feel like the worst person in the world. I'm so sorry if I'm selfish for this. I never had this feeling with my patients. I'm just so irked.
Thank you to all who have answered and have put their thoughts into this. To answer a few- no, I'm not getting paid for this. I did this out of the goodness of my heart.And yes, I do understand what I got myself into. Yes, I'm having to lift on her. When you stand her up, she's already bent at an angle and she will balance on her heels then her legs go straight as a board...alas, me having to literally carry her to her potty chair or wheel chair. I put my foot down and we will be sending the kids to the school we wanted to send them to in the first place when we moved here. The kids are happy with virtual school but they said they'd be happy to see new people too. I put my foot down with my MIL and let her know I need help. Although it's not from her or her sister, they're offering to get someone from home care a few days a week to come help me; now to see if they'll stick with that. As for my husband, this is the woman that raised him so even beginning to speak about nursing homes, it's a big no go. Even after he's gotten a taste of what I go through each day and night (I was sick for a few days), he still wants to push on. I'm fine by it but I told him I'm getting back my life in the means of it and I can't spend 24/7 with her. Hard, but he understood. I think the only reason why her daughters are keeping her out of nursing home is due to them not wanting to lose her life insurance when she goes. Does that make sense? Anyway, a conclusion to this is I'm putting my foot down and getting back to MY normal but still adding this change (i.e. my GMIL) and whatever comes with it.
Please update us when and if that ever happens. Sounds like other than this vague promise, nothing else has changed?
Your children need real school. They're not getting it because of this old lady. Further, she is actively enlisting an 8-yo into being a servant, and that's the extent of this 8-yo's socialization. Big JUST NO right there.
You need them back in school so you can go back to school and work, because you need money. Not more volunteering. It's not even your mom or for that matter his mom. The aunt and MIL are probably not even 60.
Make them figure it out.
While I don't want to be snotty, you say you're a trained caregiver and then you say you put your back out lifting g/ma from her wheelchair (causing her discomfort. Which you then blame her for histrionically complaining about). Excuse me? Moving and Handling 101. No lifting. You can't believe that this lady could really confuse her tv remote and her riser-recliner control and isn't just attention-seeking. And you use bedrails to prevent her getting out of bed - you do what?
What did you work *as* in memory care? Because it sure as heck can't have been anything in contact with residents. I hope.
But I'm sorry. As you say, you're burning out bad and you just need support and here I am giving you a hard time. Forgive me, please - I really am a trained caregiver these days (I was an amateur before, looking after family) and there are some practices that just make our heads swim.
Right. I suspect DH's family are using you as either cheap or tied or both labour. In a perfect world you and he and kids should do a screeching U-turn and head straight back to home, job(s) and school. Assuming it isn't that simple, what other moves might you make from here? - more paid support? Agreed respite breaks? Let us help you come up with an actual plan.
People will always will let someone else do the tough job if there is a person out there who is too nice to say no. In this case you happen to be that person. Bring out that inner powerful person that's inside of you and gather the freeloaders around you to tell them that you are no longer going to be the slave. Do this right away. Don't put it off.
You are young. You have a husband and children who need you to be there for them plus you need to have a life of your own.
Adding you are not selfish for realizing this is too much. The selfish ones are your mil, the daughters and the grandmother. I am reserving judgement on yiur husband depending on how he handles the news that you are not doing this anymore.
And even though you are young and strong you can still permanently injure your back lifting that lazy and selfish old woman people call grandma.
But that's neither here nor there. My biggest concern in everything you wrote is in what you DIDN'T write about where your husband stands in all of this. You say he is now helping by cooking (sorry - not really a big deal, in light of everything YOU have to do); that he gets "mad" at his family, and he says granny was always a hypochondriac.
But as he said to you that he will support your decision, should you say "I'm done!"? Because it will be way easier to put together and implement an exit plan if you have unconditional support from your spouse, who is the one (after all) that granny is related to. Because I will be willing to bet that MIL and Aunt-in-law will promise you the sun. moon and stars when you tell them you are leaving this situation...they will promise you support, respite, hands-on help that will either materialize for about a week and then *poof* - gone; or the promises will never come to fruition in the first place.
In fact, when you have the "I'm done" conversation, it should really be HIM in the lead. This is HIS family, and I'm assuming HIS mom and HIS aunt that are benefitting from YOU taking on this unyielding burden.
If he is NOT offering you support, then I agree with the other posters who have said/will say take the kids on a long weekend, and leave all of them holding the bag.
Good luck!
Because you can't do this any more!
My wife and I raised 3 children and we would never have been able to do all this. You need to draw the line right now. Tell the daughters exactly what you posted here.
Does your husband help at night? Because sleep deprivation is torture. It can hurt your health and you HAVE to get sleep. You have too much to do already.
You need them to help come up with a solution by this weekend or you will end up checking into the nearest padded motel for the mentally bewildered!
Don't let them put it off. It has to happen right away.
Your children need to get back in school. None if this is fair to them as well as you. Tell hubby grandma is moving out and stick to it.
You are hanging on by a thread mentally, doing way too much physically and soon will have a break down. Your health will definitely suffer very soon.
The rest of grandma's family should be ashamed for dumping all this in you.
Stop being a doormat and take your life back!
Great advice below and please read each post carefully.
I have no words for the amount of stress you are under. Today was a rough day for me with our final court date to decide on guardianship for my dad. It was granted with some limitations but a very hard day. That is nothing compared to what you are going through. This is nuts! I agree. Your husband needs to stand up for you and the family and say enough is enough. It will drag you down with her and ruin your life. This is not on you, and Don't ever feel like you are being selfish for wanting your own life. You have gone ABOVE and beyond. Its either time for the daughters to step up, or find her a place where professional care givers can split the time and not put the stress on one person alone. YOU.
I will pray for god's guidance and some sort of relief for both you and the rest of the family. Stay strong.
Nolan
Irked, you say? I'd be INFURIATED. Tell the family that you all gave it a good effort, but this is too much for one person. Yes, she was dumped on you. You seem to be the family scapegoat. And that's not a put-down to you; it's the family being arrogant and ignorant to think they can throw it all on you and you'll be fine.
You uprooted your life for that family. Moving? Your kids having to adjust to new schools, and then get pulled out of the new one? Quitting your job and school with only a year left? You gave the family more than enough effort before letting Granny live there. Guess they figured if you did all that, having Granny stay would be no problem. And it isn't... for THEM. Your husband needs to step up for his wife and kids. He has to see how terrible the situation is.
Yes, they may have to drag Granny out of your house kicking and screaming. But it's much better than you being dragged out of your home in an ambulance or hearse from all this stress.
You and your husband need to present a united and give notice that this experiment is over. As stated above, give two weeks notice, and I'd also require those two knuckleheads to be over at your house to help every day of those two weeks. That's plenty of time for them to make other arrangements, because Granny needs a facility or full-time help. You cannot continue this -- period.
If they argue, take the old dear around to stay with them, and say that you will discuss it further only after they have adequate experience. If they genuinely can’t fit her in to their house/s, then take your 8 year old daughter somewhere else to stay for a week, and let them move into your place to care for her with all her normal aids in place. If she spends the week complaining about you and being sweet to them, so much the better – obviously they are better carers and should be taking on the job. Your ability to work is just as important as theirs. (I’m sure you can invent a job opening that will suit you quite well)
Talk to your doctor or a physio about your back, and get professional orders to stop lifting her. If you can’t lift her, you can’t give adequate care. Get APS to come around when she is in bed, and do NOT minimise your own difficulties, pain or annoyance about being expected to lift her.
If you can stand on your own extensive experience, your doctor’s advice about your own health, and APS comments on the sufficiency of the care you can actually provide safely, you should be able to change things. And if there is resistance, drop the old lady off on her own daughters. A couple of days may be all it takes for them to change their approach!
Wishing you the best of luck getting firm with this family & putting in your notice!