What do you do when you are burnt out and have no one else to help?

This sounds like quite a dilemma because I don't was something similar with an elderly friend. What I did was digging in my heels and I just went home. You mentioned that this person you're caring for is about 90% better. Is this person has no other physical concerns that prevent them from living at home, you could consider having nurses and aids come in to help you. If you're doing even half of the caregiving, this would definitely burn you out. Even if you were hired to sit with someone who doesn't want to be alone, you can still get burn out. What I did though it didn't come easy or even overnight is just get up and go home. What I did was wait until my friend fell asleep in his bed. While he was laying in his bed, I was secretly getting stuff positioned to where all I had to do was just pick up and go. When my friend was asleep, I moved quickly while staying quiet. There were times when he awoke to find me leaving, but all I had to do was explain how I really needed to be in my own bed because I just don't sleep very well anywhere else. My friend always wanted me to stay even overnight, but the spare bed just doesn't promote sleep for me. Anytime I did sleep it wasn't a very restful sleep, I noticed this when I awoke. I noticed a huge difference when I slept in my own bed as opposed to the spare bed at my friend's. I had to come to the point of realizing that my health and well-being were important enough that I just had to put my foot down and act on my own behalf. When it was mentioned that caregivers often die before the patient, what really happens is when you're sleep deprived, which can quickly add up and rob you of your health and well-being. If you're in a situation where you just can't sleep very well if at all, this can have negative consequences. If you don't get a very restful sleep, this can also rob you of your health and well-being. You need to take care of yourself.

If someone that you're taking care of becomes demanding by ordering you around as you describe, what you need to do is put your foot down there. My elderly friend got upset one time when I was trying to help him with a package of pork rinds. He's notorious for making a mess when opening packages, So one time I thought I would start opening his packages for him so that his food would not fly everywhere. One night he got upset about it and through the bag of pork rinds across the room. There laid the mess he made, then he looked at me and asked me if I was going to clean it up because he expected me to. I looked back at him and the mess on the floor and said, "nope." Explained that I did not make the mess and that I sure wasn't going to clean up after him. I made it very well known that I'm not his slave or his maid, and that I'm not cleaning up a mess that he made. When he finally agreed agreed to clean it up, he did ask me if I would at least bring him the broom, and that I agreed to. There were other areas where I could've made my friend's life better, but I learned from experience that you just can't help someone who just doesn't want it. I also learned that there are times when you must let go and step back, which is exactly what I had to end up doing. Sometimes you must watch someone fail miserably in some cases before they realize they really do need help. Sometimes you must wait for them to ask for help before offering it. In the case where someone is living in their own home, you must realize that it is their home and their rules. If someone's living in your home, it's your rules and your way of doing things. What you do if someone's living in your home is just keep doing things the way you always did them before the person moved in, and just set your foot down and keep doing what you always did. You just can't let anyone control you no matter how hard they try. You just have to dig in your heels and just firmly stand your ground. I did, and the person finally backed off. The person lives in his own home but he has a habit of trying to control others. The sad thing is that he lives alone and he really needs to be in a facility, but he refuses to even consider it. What he does instead is he finds excuses to always have someone come in to him for some odd reason or another, he always makes up something. You often don't realize it until it's too late and some time has passed. By the time you start realizing it, you start wondering how to get out of what you got sucked into. This is something you just have to work out once you get it figured out or a situation happens that helps you along in your plan.

You say that your mom has dementia. If she is still thinking clearly enough, I would have a frank discussion about her care with her. Does she understand how dementia works? Does she understand that you will not be providing her care in the future?

Dementia is progressive. It will not improve. You, her, your brother, or someone will eventually need to decide where she will receive care. You say your brother has a developmental disability. He may not be able to provide the care and decision making duties your mom will need down the road.

Planning for the future is difficult, but will eliminate a lot of unexpected emergencies and crisis, if plans are made in advance. Later, your mom won't be able to make any decisions or look after herself. Maybe your brother can look after her for a few hours per day, but at some point, she will need around the clock care and assistance with bathing, toilet, financial, bill payments, etc.

I would make sure she has selected her Durable Power of Attorney and Healthcare POA and signed all of the paperwork. It's important to get this done while your mom is still competent.

My brother lives here with her, so I think she would be fine with him at night. She does have a medic alert necklace that she could use in case of an emergency. She has always been very dependent and controlling. I think I'll stay at my house this Thursday and Friday and see how she handles it. I'll Try to slowly get my life back. Thanks for the comments. I'm feeling better already.

If she is 90% better, could she possibly be by herself from 11 pm to 7 am with a medic alert necklace? Could you afford to hire a 3-11 pm shift? Would she move to an assisted living apartment closer to you?

Sounds like you need a break. AND it IS very important to not let go of valuable friendships and a relationship with your own daughter. Do not feel guilty....your mother is pushing your buttons and she knows it, dementia or not. Explore your options and keep your own sanity.

If your mom needs full-time care, get her into an assisted living or independent living facility based on her needs. Go back to your own life. You do NOT owe your mother your life and well-being to take care of her. Has she always been this way, or is this something new? What is her overall level of need? You are her daughter, you are NOT her nurse! You can be her advocate, but you don't have to be her servant. Tell us more!

Does she need full time care or just expect it?