The best way is to have help. Lots of help. You don't mention the mental or physical state of your father, but what he is asking of you is huge. It's also foolish, selfish, and uninformed of him to demand this. Please have a conversation with him and express your doubt about being able to do it alone, because I don't think there's any way you can no matter how hard you try. You may need to take the lead here as an adult who is in charge whether he likes it or not. He doesn't get to decide. You do. If he refuses carers in the home, he should be told firmly that the only alternative is to go to a facility where professionals take care of him. He'd be better off there than with an inexperienced carer (you, no matter how hard you try). Good luck.
And I’d like to add that I took care of my dad in his home when he was 92. Soon it took a full time live in caregiver, relief caregivers, me and another person who sometimes helped. Then hospice with nurses and doctors and a pastor. The place was a well-managed madhouse with physical, occupational and speech therapists coming in, scheduling, my interfering rude aunt, and neighbors and his friends coming over. It affected my health, relationships and career. This is what happens when you take on this situation. DON’T.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
I am with Barb, what do u want. You and he have options. If he has the money he can go into Assisted Living. You do not list Dads health problems. If he is 24/7 care, its going to be hard to have a life. You do not owe him your life. You may want to set boundries now. Sorry Dad, I am not caring for you 24/7. Willing to help but not be at your beck and call. If he can afford it, he needs to hire help.
What your father wants, and reality, may be two different matters entirely.
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt. But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad. But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening. We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act! Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help. There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative). Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help. Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
Heartwrenching, it is so common where an elder will view their child as being a very young person with a lot of energy, not someone who is or close to being a senior citizen themselves. I ran into that with my own parents. They were surprised when I told them I no longer climb ladders, no longer mow the lawn, hate cooking, etc.
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
So true. My mother continues to refer to me as a “young woman”, even though I’m 64. I think they also tend to revert to a childlike state where they become the center of the universe again, and aren't able to analyze how this burden may affect your life and health, whether you have the resources to do it, and the simple fact that you are suffering too, and grappling with loss, grief, bewilderment, fear, and anxiety simultaneously - no more than we thought about our parent’s concerns when we were a child.
Because you wrote this as a response to another poster, I am wondering if you have any intention to lighten your load.
"When you sadly lose your parent you wish to have all the awful times back, because your yearn so great. Keep going, stay strong even though you’re in a cloud of fog and remember you’ll look back one day and say I did it xx"
Been there, done that. Believe me when I say this, there comes a point when you KNOW you can no longer do this all yourself. It simply exceeds your talents and knowledge. When that day comes, you will have to confront it goes beyond what your father wants and you will have to give in to what your father needs. Only child, no spouse, no kids...so about the same place as you. I cared for my father at home until he was hospitalized and then to rehab. Then I took my father home from rehab and it lasted for three days. He would lie in bed almost insensible and keen/moan. I knew it was time....he needed more that any one human could fulfill. You will know when it becomes more than feeling overwhelmed by the constant chores. You will know when it becomes a matter of life/death. You cannot do this alone after a certain juncture; you will HAVE to call in help. May you be healthy and strong. Wishing you the best for yourself and for your loved one.
Most of us will face this issue in our lives unless our parents die when they are young.
When you say. ‘care at home’ do you mean in his home or your home?
No matter where he is, it’s always going to be a challenging situation. I feel that welcoming a parent into our home is the most difficult situation, even if we have help.
I believe some parents feel as if their child owes them care because they raised them.
No doubt that a caring parent sacrifices for their children but their children do not owe them anything in return. It is the parent’s responsibility to properly care for them. If they don’t care for them, it’s negligence.
Ideally parents will raise their children to become responsible independent adults to be in charge of their own lives. How can an adult child fully lead their own life if they have taken on the full time job of caregiver to the parent? It doesn’t work out very well for either of them.
Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I took a parent into my home. Please avoid making this mistake.
Find others to be your dad’s caregiver, hire someone or place him in a facility and remain being his daughter. You can oversee his care and continue to live your life with much less stress.
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the responses and support. I am overwhelmed at all your kindness and the time and support you have given to me, I don’t feel alone anymore, because you all understand and have made such wonderful suggestions. Thank you and I hope you’re all ok and keeping strong too. Please, please know YOU have helped a fog brain, incapable daughter thinks through endless advise and advice and support xx your kindness and time with wonderful suggestions has made me weep knowing you really care and have so much understanding and knowledge, I am truly overwhelmed by your kindness and support thank you, thank you xx ❤️
When my mom suffered a stroke last year and needed care all of sudden she literally asked me to be her caregiver. She has a few million in savings btw. I found her a beautiful AL. I responded with, “mom do you want to shorten my life”? She also put her own mom in a home the second she needed one. She then sighed and told me, yes I understand, I was just kidding, but I know she was being serious. It's extremely stressful to care for a loved one.
Welcome to the forum. Caring for your father is going to be very difficult to do on your own. Has he been assessed by a social worker or doctor?
Here's my story as from my late mother's situation. I was 56 with lots of energy at the time. She was 92 back in 2012 and had several medical conditions plus osteoporosis and suffered a back injury in one of her several falls. She also had bipolar and hated help coming in our condo. Fortunately, I had some family who lives out of state to check in. My social worker sister told me I could not care for Mom 24/7 even though I was unemployed at the time. After a year of my work, another of her falls sent her to a NH when Kaiser would not send her home alone.
Please use my late mother's example of how difficult it is to folly alone. All my best wishes for you and your Dad.
Heart - good for you for coming here for advice. I hope you are going to heed it and do the hard thing of telling your parent NO. My mom lived here for 7 years with me and hubby. As time went on and dementia started, I brought up going to the senior center. Going to assisted living, etc etc. Nope, not interested. She was bored and lonely (we live in a very rural area).
When she could no longer keep her room and bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) to take care of her areas, change her sheets and then work on common areas as time permitted. She complained and stressed about it but I was NOT taking on any new chores.
As she needed more and more help and direction, I started adding caregivers. More complaining. But too bad - again I was NOT doing more. Well, of course, I was doing more but I couldn't do it all. You can start slow but start getting help ASAP. You deserve to not be under 24/7 pressure of their needs. It's just too much. We deserve time of our own and freedom to do as we wish.
Now, against her wishes, she is in assisted living. According to her, her life is horrible now. Oh well. It's an adjustment but caregivers have a right to live a life that does not revolve around the "needs" of our elderly, failing, parents.
I'm in the same boat. Here's what I've learned: *Get rid of any tripping hazards (ei rugs, mats, floor decor, etc). *Install hand rails and anti slip mats in the bathroom. *Have food like fruits and veggies pre cut, so to avoid injury. *Get their eyes tested, lots of falls happen because of poor vision. *Do more skype or video calls for appointments that don't require them to be there in person. *Print out a list of prescriptions they take (including dosage amounts and dosage instructions), make copies (put one in the car, one in the house, and one in your wallet or purse). *If the have a DNR (Do not Resistate) make sure it's legal and notarized. Take copies to their primary care physician/local hospital. Leave a copy in the car. *If you have any family traditions, do them if you can. It lifts their spirits. *If they have hobbies, join them. *Give them love and encouragement. ***Know this! You are doing the best you can. Breathe, do self care, forgive yourself for the things you can't do, and know there will be more to be learned. And of course, you are NOT alone! Hope that helps, these things have helped me. Take Care ❤ PS if it gets to be too much, ask for help! No shame in that! Sometimes it's what's best for everyone.
Tell your father to wake up!! One person CANNOT do it all!! Decide what you can handle realistically and STICK TO IT!! Do not get trapped by a parent who does not understand this!!
I can offer what it looks like in late stage when totally dependent. My Dad said “I want family” 9 years ago. He had VA benefits that allowed him to age in place with my Mom. I set up everything in their house for them to be able to do that. It’s possible. I continued to work & I commuted an hour also. I hired a live in caregiver 4 days per week and my husband and I provided 24/7 care on weekends. I was 60 when it started. I am now 70. My parents are now 95 and 93. My mom had a stroke last year and my Dad is in late stage dementia now. The VA didn’t pay for everything. My parents are middle class, not wealthy by any means, but had some savings. Their home was paid for. With the VA benefit, a pension, and SS they bring in 5,000/month. At home it cost them 4200/month for their 4-day/wk live in caregiver. They’ve done that 6 years. I moved both of them to independent living near our own house last year. I moved the 24/7 caregiver with them. I am now hiring a second 24/7 person to take my place on weekends because I am at my limit. I promised myself that if it I worried it would affect my health I would stop my own caregiving. I will continue to oversee their care but just cover emergencies. Their IL facility provides a lifecare contract that allows them to move to AL or long term care when needed. I am in the process of selling their home to pay their entry fee for that. I am proud of what I’ve done and at peace with it. It was hard. It was a sacrifice for my husband and I. It’s not for everybody. I don’t judge others who make a different choice.
amazing daughter. and excellent promise of self-preservation:
“I promised myself that if I worried it would affect my health I would stop my own caregiving.”
—— i’m also very proud of what i’ve done and am at peace with it. now i’m working towards my freedom. like you ClairJ, that doesn’t mean i completely stop helping.
meanwhile, here i am helping my elderly LOs with a few more things, and feeding them daily jokes with their breakfast, so they start each day laughing 🥰.
A dear friend gave me some very unexpected advice recently: if he still has his own teeth, take care of them! Maintain good dental care. Not only do dental problems lead to heart and overall health complications, the LOSS of teeth results in difficulty speaking and communicating, the need for processed food, difficulty drinking, potential infection, and general degradation of the jaw and entire facial structure. When my mom began to decline, she stopped brushing her teeth. It was just one more thing to hassle with her about, but I didn’t consider how much extra work there would be if it went neglected.
The caregiver bears the brunt of the relationship, so be sure to take time out for YOU. You cannot do it alone, even if it’s just to get someone in once a week so you can get away from the situation awhile. If he is still good mentally, remind him that if you get sick, he will have no options. God bless.
My dad died in 2015, with cancer. I use to get off work every Friday to drive 4 hours away, to help with dad. I used all my savings to get there. I have five siblings, in which all live in different states. We have no relatives where mom & dad lives. They encouraged us to leave after graduating from high school to make a better life for ourselves. We was raised in a small town. They went to church and lead a private life. When dad got sick, I tried to find someone in there town. It was something wrong with everyone I interview. I came to the conclusion they only wanted their children. At that point we were all working in another state. It was all on my sister, who lived an hour away. I asked my parents to help me find someone to help. They just looked away. I mentioned the church I got no answer. They never said we only want our children. They wanted us to work it out. I think they wanted me to retire since I am the oldest. It was the saddest situation. Dad died and now I am looking for help in her town. I told mom we are tired. She said I took care of my mom alone. Button line I decided not to ask anymore. I have contacted agency. I can’t listen to her anymore. We have to take care of ourselves or we can’t help her. She is 88 and stubborn. Life is short. I love my mom. You are alone. I have friends alone. I can only imagine what it must be like. You need help. I felt hopeless and I still do. I enjoy my life. Being a caregiver is hard. You can lose yourself. Get some help. Dad will soon accept it. The agency came to mom’s house to assess her needs and plan to get us some help. Mom don’t talk about it because I am being persistent. Feeling guilty is apart of caregiver. Everybody can’t have their way. Take care of yourself. Try to hold on to your life. Do what you know is best? Your dad will still love you.
It might take some of the stress away if you would insist on moving her near you so that you can visit and watch over her care at the facility you choose.
There's no need to be a martyr when you can be a visiting advocate.
Before I go any further, please be sure you have durable POA for your father and that all his financial assets are in order, including a will &/or trust, and health care proxy. A qualified elder care attorney can help you with all of this, many have free consultations. What human being on this earth wouldn't rather have family than a paid professional take care of them? However, the toll it takes on one person is enormous, and you will be better off to hire part time care who is a good fit for BOTH of you. Dad will adjust. It's not like there aren't huge rewards for caring for your parent - the issue is you won't be able to see them or feel them as your dad's needs increase. So do it with love - but do with help. If you're looking for ways to address specific care needs, let us know. This website has members who have dealt with every conceivable need. We care!
I watched Lady Chatterlys lover last night on Netflix and her husband expected her to be his full time caregiver till she collapsed from exhaustion and finally her sister intervened and they hired his Old Nanny - it’s very selfish on your Fathers part not to let you lead your own life and have a family . Eventually they die and we are left alone in this would - hire a caregiver thru a agency - get a VNA nurse - contact elder services - it’s a big commitment and you end up sacrificing your own life - health and Happiness . Find yourself a good social worker to help you set boundaries so you don’t get swallowed - sucked in and suffocated .
And yet Lady Chatterley found the time to regularly get down with Mellors in the woods. Always have a life outside of caregiving because when a person doesn't, they've got no life at all.
All advice here is great, but I want to say that perhaps if your father knows that you will help with arranging everything, which is a huge job in itself, he will relax about having other caregivers or about finding an assisted living home. You want to visit, to help, but not to work full time for your parents. He's probably scared, but he will adjust with your kind strength in knowing what is best for all of you.
Sounds like you know you need help, and the need only gets greater. I would tell my Mom a friend is helping ME out. "Like when I can't be there, I want to make sure someone I trust is here". She very much liked that, especially if she liked them! She seemed to trust them much better that way. Of course when you can screen yourself first, usually works out much better, as you know your parents, and you know what you need. Soneone they can relate to as well, like a friend. Always a bonus to add enjoyment to theirs and your life. An agency is a gamble.
I would have "the friend" shadow you a day or so. Have them interact with your parents while you are there (caregivers can get into the habit of interacting only with you, and not the client). Say things like, "Do you mind helping me with some cooking?" Etc so your parents get the impression this is truly a friend helping out, and not hired help.
This is of course with the understanding that you are paying the bills. If they are paying them, they may not want to pay for care. In that case you may say your good friend gets paid to help people when they need it and "I won't be here such and such times. I would feel better having someone here for you. She gets paid to do this as she is good at it but she is also a friend. I don't feel comfortable with just anyone". This addresses a lot of their fears. If it turns out they don't like the "friend" at first but you do, you can says things like "Yeah that was a bit awkward. I do appreciate she wants to help me though,as I could use it. Maybe we can give her a chance." And if you yourself don't think it'll work you can just not have "the friend" over anymore.
Following up on what I just posted.. If your Dad is in complete control of the finances I would say sure I am happy to help, but I need help with that. So if you want to keep Mom home, which you and I both do, there needs to be some hired help we can trust. There's a lot out there, so we can try them out until the shoe fits! We might even enjoy having some company! Best to you and yor parents!
Get help. Build a team. A strong team can do so much more than just one person. And, the important thing, a team will not get exhausted. If you get help with some of the smaller mundane things, you can focus on enrichment of your father's twilight years. Things like hobbies, friends, enjoyments, entertainments all will go by the wayside if you try to do this alone. And, you will wind up being burnt out eventually just trying to provide the minimum. Maybe you can add this to your sells list - getting help with some small things will help free us up to do enjoyable things together. Best wishes from an exhausted caregiver even with 30 years medical experience - it happens to the best of us!
I have responded to a number of questions on this forum. I am a son who took care of his mom full-time in the family home (No involvment from siblings).
I made the decision to take on the caregiver role after observing mom's care while in rehab for hip surgery. I would visit the facility at least twice a day (our home is just down the street) to see if her "care plan" was being followed. One day, I arrived late morning to find her not at physical therapy, but in bed with the blinds closed. When I asked staff why, the reply was "Well, your mom said she was tired, so we decided to let her sleep". She also developed a pressure ulcer. That did it. I went to the staff social worker and said mom was there to receive rehab so she could go home, not lay in bed so staff did not have to deal with her. I ended up participating in the physical therapy sessions from then on so I could be prepared for what I needed to do when she came home.
What made my situation different than some on this forum was that mom was pretty cooperative from day one. Did we have disagreements, of course. But right up until she passed in January at age 93, she seldom complained about how I was taking care of her.
I was her healthcare proxy, POA, and Executor. We followed a daily schedule, a NECESSITY which made life much easier to manage. I received monthly calls from the Office of the Aging caregiver advocate who asked not only how mom was doing, but how I was doing. I communicated very well with her primary care doctor. I had the assistance of meals on wheels delivery, which gave me an option as I prepared her three meals a day. I made sure when I left home to conduct errands it would be no more than an hour, and that mom had her cell phone handy (She also had the emergency necklace). I did have an aide come in once a week just so mom (and I) could have another person to chat with.
I was acutely aware that the day might come where her health could deteriorate to the point where I would have to consider placement in a facility. It was on my mind everyday.
As I look back almost a year after her death, I still can't believe I did what I did, but I'm so glad I did it. Each one of us on this forum have a different story to tell. But we are all tied together as a community of concerned individuals who just want the best for those they care about.
God gave her a Guardian Angel, not just a son. It doesn't sound like you have regrets, so you are probably a pretty content person and that's a good thing: you're luckier than most.
* You must take control and do what is needed, not necessarily what your father wants. "Of course" he won't want other caregivers - strangers - people he won't be comfortable with (in his mind). His position is understandable, from his point of view, considering fears, unknowns. * Are you his POA ? If you are, you make these kinds of decisions. * Whether he has dementia or not, you do your best to explain the / his care needs for his welfare/best care and do that once (the explaining). Often talking logic doesn't compute and is a waste of your energy. Depending on his cognitive abilities / understanding, do the best you can in any given moment - and then make the plans to get help / caregivers scheduled. - It may or may not help to ease someone in, saying they are a family (or specifically) your friend - if you think this will make any difference in his comfort level.
IMPORTANT:
- DO talk to care providers first and let them know how to talk to your dad (his hobbies, interests, concerns) so they can relate / connect with him - and he feel this connection "they care".
IT IS IMPERATIVE that you realize that no matter how torn you are between doing what he needs (more / other care / providers) and what he says and how emotional he may get - pulling your heartstrings - is realizing that without you available, he will either get caregivers - on an emergency basis put in place, with no easing in, and you will be too exhausted and unable to meet his care needs. - Doing what is needed and the right action doesn't mean it is an easy decision for you. It is emotionally difficult to make these decisions as health care needs change, demanding more of your time and energy. It is hard. Acknowledge yourself for doing what you know you need to do - for him and yourself. - YOU MUST take care of yourself first to be available to him.
You've told us what your father wants.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
Do you realize that you're allowed to say "no"?
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
GOOD LUCK!
A common *want* but NOT a *need*.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt.
But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad.
But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening.
We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act!
Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help.
There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative).
Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help.
Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
Oh, except Option D. Demise.
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
"When you sadly lose your parent you wish to have all the awful times back, because your yearn so great. Keep going, stay strong even though you’re in a cloud of fog and remember you’ll look back one day and say I did it xx"
When you say. ‘care at home’ do you mean in his home or your home?
No matter where he is, it’s always going to be a challenging situation. I feel that welcoming a parent into our home is the most difficult situation, even if we have help.
I believe some parents feel as if their child owes them care because they raised them.
No doubt that a caring parent sacrifices for their children but their children do not owe them anything in return. It is the parent’s responsibility to properly care for them. If they don’t care for them, it’s negligence.
Ideally parents will raise their children to become responsible independent adults to be in charge of their own lives. How can an adult child fully lead their own life if they have taken on the full time job of caregiver to the parent? It doesn’t work out very well for either of them.
Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I took a parent into my home. Please avoid making this mistake.
Find others to be your dad’s caregiver, hire someone or place him in a facility and remain being his daughter. You can oversee his care and continue to live your life with much less stress.
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
Welcome to the forum. Caring for your father is going to be very difficult to do on your own. Has he been assessed by a social worker or doctor?
Here's my story as from my late mother's situation. I was 56 with lots of energy at the time. She was 92 back in 2012 and had several medical conditions plus osteoporosis and suffered a back injury in one of her several falls. She also had bipolar and hated help coming in our condo. Fortunately, I had some family who lives out of state to check in. My social worker sister told me I could not care for Mom 24/7 even though I was unemployed at the time. After a year of my work, another of her falls sent her to a NH when Kaiser would not send her home alone.
Please use my late mother's example of how difficult it is to folly alone. All my best wishes for you and your Dad.
Patathome01
😍
When she could no longer keep her room and bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) to take care of her areas, change her sheets and then work on common areas as time permitted. She complained and stressed about it but I was NOT taking on any new chores.
As she needed more and more help and direction, I started adding caregivers. More complaining. But too bad - again I was NOT doing more. Well, of course, I was doing more but I couldn't do it all. You can start slow but start getting help ASAP. You deserve to not be under 24/7 pressure of their needs. It's just too much. We deserve time of our own and freedom to do as we wish.
Now, against her wishes, she is in assisted living. According to her, her life is horrible now. Oh well. It's an adjustment but caregivers have a right to live a life that does not revolve around the "needs" of our elderly, failing, parents.
Start finding help now. You won't regret it.
*Get rid of any tripping hazards (ei rugs, mats, floor decor, etc).
*Install hand rails and anti slip mats in the bathroom.
*Have food like fruits and veggies pre cut, so to avoid injury.
*Get their eyes tested, lots of falls happen because of poor vision.
*Do more skype or video calls for appointments that don't require them to be there in person.
*Print out a list of prescriptions they take (including dosage amounts and dosage instructions), make copies (put one in the car, one in the house, and one in your wallet or purse).
*If the have a DNR (Do not Resistate) make sure it's legal and notarized. Take copies to their primary care physician/local hospital. Leave a copy in the car.
*If you have any family traditions, do them if you can. It lifts their spirits.
*If they have hobbies, join them.
*Give them love and encouragement.
***Know this! You are doing the best you can. Breathe, do self care, forgive yourself for the things you can't do, and know there will be more to be learned. And of course, you are NOT alone! Hope that helps, these things have helped me. Take Care ❤
PS if it gets to be too much, ask for help! No shame in that! Sometimes it's what's best for everyone.
and excellent promise of self-preservation:
“I promised myself that if I worried it would affect my health I would stop my own caregiving.”
——
i’m also very proud of what i’ve done and am at peace with it. now i’m working towards my freedom. like you ClairJ, that doesn’t mean i completely stop helping.
meanwhile, here i am helping my elderly LOs with a few more things, and feeding them daily jokes with their breakfast, so they start each day laughing 🥰.
The caregiver bears the brunt of the relationship, so be sure to take time out for YOU. You cannot do it alone, even if it’s just to get someone in once a week so you can get away from the situation awhile. If he is still good mentally, remind him that if you get sick, he will have no options. God bless.
There's no need to be a martyr when you can be a visiting advocate.
What human being on this earth wouldn't rather have family than a paid professional take care of them? However, the toll it takes on one person is enormous, and you will be better off to hire part time care who is a good fit for BOTH of you. Dad will adjust. It's not like there aren't huge rewards for caring for your parent - the issue is you won't be able to see them or feel them as your dad's needs increase. So do it with love - but do with help. If you're looking for ways to address specific care needs, let us know. This website has members who have dealt with every conceivable need. We care!
Always have a life outside of caregiving because when a person doesn't, they've got no life at all.
I would have "the friend" shadow you a day or so. Have them interact with your parents while you are there (caregivers can get into the habit of interacting only with you, and not the client). Say things like, "Do you mind helping me with some cooking?" Etc so your parents get the impression this is truly a friend helping out, and not hired help.
This is of course with the understanding that you are paying the bills. If they are paying them, they may not want to pay for care. In that case you may say your good friend gets paid to help people when they need it and "I won't be here such and such times. I would feel better having someone here for you. She gets paid to do this as she is good at it but she is also a friend. I don't feel comfortable with just anyone". This addresses a lot of their fears. If it turns out they don't like the "friend" at first but you do, you can says things like "Yeah that was a bit awkward. I do appreciate she wants to help me though,as I could use it. Maybe we can give her a chance." And if you yourself don't think it'll work you can just not have "the friend" over anymore.
Good luck and God bless!!!
I made the decision to take on the caregiver role after observing mom's care while in rehab for hip surgery. I would visit the facility at least twice a day (our home is just down the street) to see if her "care plan" was being followed. One day, I arrived late morning to find her not at physical therapy, but in bed with the blinds closed. When I asked staff why, the reply was "Well, your mom said she was tired, so we decided to let her sleep". She also developed a pressure ulcer. That did it. I went to the staff social worker and said mom was there to receive rehab so she could go home, not lay in bed so staff did not have to deal with her. I ended up participating in the physical therapy sessions from then on so I could be prepared for what I needed to do when she came home.
What made my situation different than some on this forum was that mom was pretty cooperative from day one. Did we have disagreements, of course. But right up until she passed in January at age 93, she seldom complained about how I was taking care of her.
I was her healthcare proxy, POA, and Executor. We followed a daily schedule, a NECESSITY which made life much easier to manage. I received monthly calls from the Office of the Aging caregiver advocate who asked not only how mom was doing, but how I was doing. I communicated very well with her primary care doctor. I had the assistance of meals on wheels delivery, which gave me an option as I prepared her three meals a day. I made sure when I left home to conduct errands it would be no more than an hour, and that mom had her cell phone handy (She also had the emergency necklace). I did have an aide come in once a week just so mom (and I) could have another person to chat with.
I was acutely aware that the day might come where her health could deteriorate to the point where I would have to consider placement in a facility. It was on my mind everyday.
As I look back almost a year after her death, I still can't believe I did what I did, but I'm so glad I did it. Each one of us on this forum have a different story to tell. But we are all tied together as a community of concerned individuals who just want the best for those they care about.
* Are you his POA ? If you are, you make these kinds of decisions.
* Whether he has dementia or not, you do your best to explain the / his care needs for his welfare/best care and do that once (the explaining). Often talking logic doesn't compute and is a waste of your energy. Depending on his cognitive abilities / understanding, do the best you can in any given moment - and then make the plans to get help / caregivers scheduled.
- It may or may not help to ease someone in, saying they are a family (or specifically) your friend - if you think this will make any difference in his comfort level.
IMPORTANT:
- DO talk to care providers first and let them know how to talk to your dad (his hobbies, interests, concerns) so they can relate / connect with him - and he feel this connection "they care".
IT IS IMPERATIVE that you realize that no matter how torn you are between doing what he needs (more / other care / providers) and what he says and how emotional he may get - pulling your heartstrings - is realizing that without you available, he will either get caregivers - on an emergency basis put in place, with no easing in, and you will be too exhausted and unable to meet his care needs.
- Doing what is needed and the right action doesn't mean it is an easy decision for you. It is emotionally difficult to make these decisions as health care needs change, demanding more of your time and energy. It is hard. Acknowledge yourself for doing what you know you need to do - for him and yourself.
- YOU MUST take care of yourself first to be available to him.
Gena / Touch Matters