having tried divorce, 2 times previously, before his illnesses, because of verbal and emotional abuse over a large number of years, the spouse now has vascular dementia, exasperated because of refusal to take care of his self, He has diabetes, had open heart surgery, stage 4 prostrate cancer matasized, having 3 strokes with seizures, and numerous other life threatening health issues.He is on numerous meds too. He always has been a jeckel and hyde person, sweet to others, and a monster to me his spouse, now he is still the same only magnified 100 fold, the ongoing disrespect is very difficult, as a caregiver to deal with. and now that he is unable to regain his former life, I am this awful controlling person (who however, sees to it all the bills are paid, the food is in the house and cooked, laundry etc. all taken care of for him)....the thought of going on the remaining few years I may have, living this way is enough to make me want to divorce him so I can perhaps have a bit of solice the rest of my days.Before my health goes down. Any suggestions?
I am sorry to say that many people who planned to leave a financial legacy for their children simple cannot maintain that plan in the face of serious illness. But a lawyer is your best bet for seeing that your wife has the care that she needs and that you are not impoverished.
And, yes, lawyers do cost money. But making serious mistakes can cost even more!
Wow, more than I could handle, she has a wonderful daughter who lives upstate who visits and tries to give her a little peace when she can. All her friends are worried but what can we do?
The real issue is the legality of divorcing someone without the capacity for understanding or responding to the subpoena. Find out, because someone on here has the answer to that question.
If a process server can't get in, ask the divorce lawyer if he can get a sheriff's deputy to make service.
and ask about public guardian services. Explain that you are filing for divorce, but want to ensure that he will be taken care of. If he has low income and few assets, once you have legally extricated yourself, apply for Medicaid for him--or better, the public guardian can do it. If he has assets, use them to pay someone to care for him until he qualifies for Medicaid. There is no reason you should have to take care of him under these circumstances.
The way you've described his health condition, before you divorced him, he will have died.
As a disinterested observer I'd say divorce him. Now. Don't wait around hoping that he'll die soon and save you the trouble and expense of divorcing him because he may surprise you and hang on for years. Horrible people have a way of doing that. It's as if their meanness gives them incredible staying power. There's a reason for the saying that only the good die young!
You don't "have to" take care of him. I doubt he'd do the same for you. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Don't worry about what people may say about you. From my experience, people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care too much about the actions of others. As for whatever vow you may have taken to stay together until one of you dies, that doesn't mean you should stick around after you've been physically or emotionally battered, or if your spouse becomes irrevocably insane, or goes on a tri-state killing spree, or cheats on you, or... the scenarios are endless, but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and exit stage right. From what you describe, that time is long overdue.
Hospice is a better choice. They will get you help and better meds to make him calm and comfortable. Medicare covers Hospice.
Of course you can divorce anyone. The complexity I would think would be division of assets and that someone represent him, as he is incapable of representing himself. Perhaps you need to see a lawyer, perhaps hubby needs to have a court appointed guardian. If you were going to get a court appointed guardian, maybe getting him in a home would be an alternative to divorce.
Can't plan on sister taking care of him without her consent, also, if I were sis and you dumped him on me, I would demand his portion of the assets, on his behalf to apply to his care.
Frankly with stage 4 cancer and the other list of ailments, is he nearing hospice? Is it worth paying the divorce lawyers at this stage of the game?
I would look into NH or hospice, to see what he is eligible for and that to the complexity of divorce. Any of these options allow you to detach from him.
Do what you believe is the right thing. And if you cannot manage, you have every right to ask for help.
If you are serious about divorce as an option, discuss it with a family law attorney.
really has no idea of the severity of the situation of his health right now.
I am now checking on at the very least day care nearby, as a pre-requsite to a care facility.
What about assisted living, or a dementia care facility?