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Same story as many here. Long story short - mom released from hospital (weakness and some confusion due to low sodium). She is back to her baseline (we are now monitoring labs much more frequently). I have 2 sisters completely unwilling to help with any of mom's care. Mom is 87, I am 60 (sisters 50 and 63 both in good health and live nearby). I am now POA medical and financial (when mom can no longer make decisions for herself, and memory is slipping). Sisters hate me, so are basically punishing me through mom (by not assisting in her care). I have had to move in with mom due to sisters not helping (they were a bit prior to a family feud). It has been close to two months now that I have literally moved in night / day. I have asked for my sisters to help but they are not evening willing to spend 1 night each a week with her. Mom is able to be alone during day - she can dress herself if clothes are put out for her. She can toilet herself, make light lunch, uses walker in home and has medical alert necklace should she fall. I have recently changed professions from RN to realtor, so I am not "punching a clock" and can work a lot from (which is not easy as the TV here is on LOUD all day - fox news which is ok, but the noise level is getting to me trying to work). We have a care giver 2x week to assist showering (3-4hour blocks). I shower mom and do her "exercises" all other days - Takes a good 2-3 hours by the time she gets moving in the morning.


This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with the gentleman I was living with. I have not spent the night with him for over 2 months. My sisters have threatened me with APS if I leave mom home at night on her own. Mom is capable of being here alone during for periods of time (has the fall alert, no falls as of yet). She gets up to potty at night on own and I sleep through the night in room close by. I have not to today I had to help her at night. I am wondering why I cannot spend a night or two a week with my friend. Make sure she has her pajamas on (which she can get on), get her dinner, leave around 7 and stay till like 7am (mom gets up at 7:30). She is capable of getting her coffee in morning (if I make ahead). This would only be 2 nights a week (for my need to get out and have 2 normal nights). I would feel so guilty if she fell, but she could fall while I am in the home sleeping too. My boyfriend lives 12 minutes away - so far, he says he understands, but mom could live a long time and I doubt the relationship would last with no intimacy (my guess only). I told mom that if we need to hire additional help and sisters are NOT willing to step up so I can spend two nights with Steve. The additional $ paid for help should be taken out of their inheritance? It is not fair that I do ALL the work and they get the same amount in the end? I AM NOT trying to make this about money, but it can be a motivating factor (especially for one of my sisters that can't keep a job and is waiting for mom to die to collect her $$$ about 300K). Mom does not want to leave her home, and there is no reason with help (hired or not), mom can't stay here with her capabilities at this time. My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out? Thoughts? Also, I would be willing to look into the "granny cams" if needed to monitor her whereabouts in home (mixed feelings on this as she has the medical alert button that senses falls or she can push if she falls and needs immediate medical assistance. Thanks for listening. Feels good to vent to people that UNDERSTAND what I am going through. On an added note mom cannot get out of home on own (steps she can't get down, not even with ramp as she needs walker). I feel guilty if not keeping mom active, taking her for daily walks, out to lunch/dinner, zoo, daily drives in car (she can't drive), but my life is being redefined and I am getting angry about the lack of family help.

You have POA.

Use Mom's money for Mom's care needs and housing.

See an Elder Law attorney to work up a caregiving contract while mom is still competent to sign one.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Kwiemer Jun 6, 2024
Yes, do not wait.
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What comes out of inheritance is determined by how mom’s will is written and nothing else. It doesn’t matter what you’d like your sisters to do, they’ve chosen not to be involved in caregiving, and you have no alternative but to accept that decision. You didn’t “have” to move in with mom, you chose to, even if it was out of good motives and concern. If you’re finding it not sustainable, it’s time to talk with mom about a new plan, either hiring more help in home with her funds, or moving her to where more help is
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BurntCaregiver Jun 5, 2024
@Daughter

If the OP laid down the ultimatum to her siblings of either help out or I put mom in a nursing home and it will be ZERO inheritance for all of us, they will probably get very reasonable very quickly.
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So...to my understanding - "inheritance" does not exist until the person you are inheriting FROM is no longer living (unless of course there is some kind of trust created). A person's money is for THEIR care. You can't inherit something before someone passes - they can only gift you those funds.

So your mother should use her own money to provide for her own care. That money doesn't belong to you or your sisters at this time. It belongs to her. And it needs to be used to provide for her needs alone.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
Excellent points. Hire home health aides so your mom can age in place. It sounds like an aide can take an 8 pm-8 am shift so that you can have the life you need
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At this point, inheritance is irrelevant. Your mother's money is to provide care for her. Nothing else!

As her POA it is your job to use her funds for her care.
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Beatty Jun 6, 2024
Agree.
Payment for required care is a CURRENT issue. Whereas inheritence is a FUTURE possibility.
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Usually when an estate is settled any owed caregiving costs are simply deducted and paid from the money from that estate. There really isn't any picking and choosing whose share of the potential inheritance it will be taken from.

You can however go to a lawyer who specializes in elder law and estate planning and ask if you can start being paid for your service to your mother now. Do not have her Will changed. So if your mother passes into God's mercy in her home and not a nursing home everyone's inheritance will be equal and yet fair. Fair in that you will be paid for your service to her aside from what your inheritance will be.

Why should your sisters who do nothing inherit free and clear but you should have to earn yours? No.
You should make it very plain to your sisters that you are the one who is making their potential inheritance possible because you are the one keeping your mother out of a care facility.

Please visit a lawyer and make sure that you get treated fairly.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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You say you are getting angry.
Then you should be angry ONLY at yourself, for all of this is your decision and in your control for your own life. YOU made these choices for your mother's life, and for your own.

You say that you feel bad your mom doesn't have more activity.
Does she WANT more? Because were she in ALF she would have quite a lot more activity and companionship.

You say that sisters are threatening you with a report to APS if your mom is left alone. I must believe that mom isn't safe alone; and if she's requiring clothing set out, and etc. then I, as a retired RN agree. Your sisters believe mom now needs 24/7 care. I agree with them. I would in fact make their choice not to participate in this care, thus enabling its being continued. You BF is correct. Mom may have a good decade of life left.
So to admit I have skin in the game here in that I weigh in heavily on your sisters' side. Reasons?
Mom's safety; your own lives.

Now that I have admitted my own prejudices in this matter, on to the discussion of compensation for yourself.
A) Your mother's will likely divides money equally between yourself and sisters?
B) Your mother is no longer in a condition to amend the will?
If the above two things are true then I would do at least a care contract, as the POA with an elder law attorney. This will be a bit dicey as POAs cannot be "self-enriching". But you should receive payment NOW for those things that are a cost to you, and the elder law person can guide you in compensation for yourself now that can legally be done.
I would in no way hide that you're doing this. I'd tell sisters what you are receiving and why and reassure them that 5,000 to 20,000 a month in ALF or MC would cut more into mom's funds than this, by far.

So basically, you chose to take this on.
Sisters chose not to.
I honor all of your decisions for your own life.
I feel you should be compensated for whatever you can legally be.
I hope you have taken mom's own good into this. If she is like me, a bit reclusive and would prefer to die at home, then this is great for her; if however she does need activities, she would get a lot more out of a good ALF. So take her wishes here into account, as well.
There are costs and benefits to these decisions either way.
But you do need to remove from your already too full plate any anger at sisters who have a right to make decisions for their own lives no matter WHERE they live. Your anger will not get you help.
I wish you the very best of luck.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
if mom wants to age in place, then you are awesome for making that happen. Assisted Living? It is very difficult to find one that YOU can trust and MOM will like.
btw- your siblings are being cruel and uncaring about your mom’s desires to age in place. They will have to live forever with their selfish and petty decisionmaking
As for the unsympathetic observation that you chose to help your mom, always remember you too have to live with your decision making.
I have recently completed this journey. I am relieved and blessed to have taken care of my loving, generous and dear mom. No regrets for putting her first for the last 5-8 years. I’d have massive regrets that I had not done so.
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The bottom line is that you accepted this responsibility and now unless you move her to AL you are stuck.

Money is the core to this entire matter, no one wants to use the mother's money for her care, which is what the money should be used for, her care, if there is anything left fine, if not, fine too.

As for staying in her home, the problem is that elders need to be around people their own age, be able to socialize with them, yes, it is different than socializing with a younger person.

When the issue becomes all about money, no one wins including your mother.

Your sisters are not obligated to care for your mother, nor are you, no reason to give up your life for her when there are viable options.

My mother is 99 and in AL, been so for 4 years, she loves it. Your mother could live much much longer as well, do you really want to give up more years of your life being her caregiver rather than her daughter?
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
I am repelled by your comments. Are you willing to be warehoused because you have no one interested in your wellbeing

personally I do not regret a moment i dedicated to my mom as her caregiver. I miss her so much.
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There is no "inheritance" until your mom dies. Does she have some sort of trust fund set up for each child?

You were not forced into this situation, you chose to participate as well and your siblings choosing not to participate. They are not at fault here. If you are resentful of providing care or just cannot do it any longer use your mom's funds to take the weight off. Decide what you can do without resentment and do just that. Your mom needs to pay for everything else out of her own funds.
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On a peripheral topic because you mentioned her blasting the tv all day...

Please take your Mom for a hearing test and get her hearing aids. I told my Mom, when it became apparent that I was needing to talk loudly to her (and she often accusing me of "not telling" her stuff), that she had to get hearing aids because I wasn't going to shout stuff to her in private -- and public -- and that hearing loss is very isolating for her. Your Mom has no idea how bad her hearing is until she puts them in for the first time, so don't accept any pushback about it. Even if it's not you providing her daily care, she will benefit greatly from having corrected hearing (and it's also for her safety).

Your sisters are not obligated to help care for your Mom, a completely separate issue from inheritance. Inheritance issues ruin many a relationship and causes caregivers to possibly make unwise decisions. I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you are the PoA and only do what is in your Mom's best interests as long as it is not onerous to you, her caregiver. If it's onerous to you, then the arrangement isn't working and you will burn out.

Give up expecting any help from your sisters and use your Mom's money (and their "inheritance") to pay for her excellent care and to free you up to have your relationship with your guy, as he is really your priority if it's a serious relationship.
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Oh my you are really taking on a lot of burden and responsibility.
I think you just needed to vent a little. Hope it felt good to get it out!

First: Hire round the clock help for your mom. It is your choice to stay there all day and night or not. And yes! Use mom's money to pay for it!
Her money is for her and does not belong to you or our sisters or anyone else until she dies, and hopefully has a will and executor to see that her assets are distributed as she wishes.
Second: Do not count on motivating or threatening your siblings into helping with mom's care, by using financial incentive. Frankly, if they don't wish to take on that responsibility, you don't want them doing it. And, they don't have to.
Just as you don't have to.

You can hire help, and still spend time with your mother, helping in some way, because it makes you feel good to be close with her.

I see so many people here vent about lack of help from family members. You can't make them, and you shouldn't expect them to help. And you should set your own limitations. You are not letting your mother down, and you are not obligated to do as much as you are, putting your life on hold.
I can see you really care about her. And you should continue to enjoy being there with her and helping her. But, you need help! And don't count on family to provide it! Use mom's money - she accumulated that much, she should have the benefit of the best care she can get!

I hope you post a follow up. Let us know how you're doing!
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Rbuser1 Jun 6, 2024
OB =older brother.
We use a lot of acronyms on the board.
You will find it helpful if you're here for very long.
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