Can I limit who visits my mother while she is in a nursing home?

To not want your touchy-feely cousin to visit your mom b/c she can't seem to properly 'socially distance' or keep far enough away from your mother is kind of ridiculous, considering your mother is living in a senior nursing home with many other elders in a communal setting, don't you think? Germs & viruses are going to spread, no matter how much a visitor 'socially distances' themselves, and no matter how many arrows are on the floor telling people they can only walk in ONE direction. The germs & viruses aren't aware of those arrows, nor are they aware of the plastic shields and other 'barriers' put up to keep them out. #Truth

My mother is 95 and lives in a Memory Care AL with advanced dementia. I would honestly be THRILLED if my cousins had it in them to visit her, ever, no matter what their 'vaccination status' was, b/c my mother would be delighted to see them. And SHE is vaxxed, which is what counts in that department. To me, it's more important that our loved ones feel loved by their family members than it is to stay hyper focused on keeping them 'safe'.

Sorry if that's not the answer you're looking for (obviously), but it's how I feel after dealing with a mother in MC for nearly 3 years now and a whole lot of covid fatigue on everyone's part.

I would think that a general mask policy and her being aware of types of contact would hopefully solve that problem.

I would pose this issue to you. Does your mother enjoy the company of this cousin? If she truly does you are denying your mother that contact. Nursing Homes can be terribly sad and lonely. I know because my mother is in one and she is aware enough to feel that way often.

I just had surgery and can't visit my mother for several weeks. My husband will go in my place. Fortunately she does like to see him but there are things he can't do. I will talk to her so she knows I am alright. Lately she has said each time how wonderful it is to see me. She has difficulty using her phone and depending if she is in bed or a wheelchair or lounge chair there is no way she can which leads to more isolation. I have tried to help with this when I can but there is so much time she is alone.

I am not overly fond of some relatives for various reasons but if I were to attempt to eliminate them (which I would never do and have worked to resolve issues) I would be hurting my mother.

Your issues may be very different which only you can determine. I hope you find the best solution.

Maybe you can tell the cousin that facilities aren't allowing unvaxxed visitors, or that she'll have to wear a mask and distance if she visits, or that they are restricting visitors to immediate family members...
(BTW this is all true in my neck of the woods)

Hi All,

Well, I am going to try to get it enforced anyway.

The problem is my cousin is one of those people who cannot socially distance and behave herself. She thinks she has to hug, kiss, slurp, breathe on and practically talk nose-to-nose with people . She's part Italian... and even her own sister doesn't like how she invades people's personal space!!

Also, I am not sure about my cousin's vaccination status if she is fully boostered or not.

Secondly my 89 year old mom just got her COVID booster shot today, and she is still unvaxxed for the flu.

It will take about 3 - 4 weeks before she has some extra immunity from the COVID booster. She got the Johnson and Johnson shot way back in April 2021.

So with that said, I just want to keep my mom as safe as possible. I was pretty furious that my brother who lives several thousand miles away even tipped off my cousin about my mom being in the hospital.

BTW, my mom has advanced dementia and will be housed in the secure wing of the nursing home building.

Even if you get management to agree it can be difficult if not impossible to enforce, staff can't always know every face that comes into the building (especially the part time staff that may predominate evening and weekend shifts) and shouldn't be expected to act as bouncers.

Speak to the facility itself. They may need a more clear guardianship if your Mom is at all capable of making her own decisions about who is visiting and what she says to them/shares with them.

If your mother enjoys your cousin's visits you would be wrong to prevent them.

Apart from annoyance, what's the issue with the nosy cousin? What harm results from her curiosity?

I inquired about the same thing: How to block one particular person from visiting my loved one in the nursing home.... My reason was that visitor gets my LO all riled up with the "You don't belong in a nursing home" and "I can't believe they dumped you here" and similar comments. Visitor has also been disrespectful to the staff but, of course, it's all because she "cares so much" and is the "only person who sees what's REALLY going on here" and other unhelpful/destructive comments. It takes DAYS for my LO to "recover" from this visitor - but it is someone who she wants to see.... In terms of banning a particular person, I was told it's generally not done unless it's a sex offender or a similar person who really should not be around vulnerable people. That said, I did have to tell nursing home that if visitor causes a scene they have our blessing to ask her to leave and/or call authorities if needed.

The more I thought about it, I don't see how I could really stop her from visiting the nursing home anyway. She uses multiple names and changes her appearance frequently. Add to that the staff turnover (particularly at the front entrance) and no one would really remember to be watching for her anyway and she could probably walk right in without anyone knowing she was not supposed to be there . Trying to ban one person may not really be enforceable, so you might want to give that some thought. The other thing I realized is that this visitor can aggravate just as much through a phone call - which would be even harder to put a stop to.

The question may not be "can you" but "should you". Unless this person is angling to influence her (like change her PoA / Will for no real legitimate reason) I would pick your battles wisely. If she's just a snoop, a gossip or arm-chair doctor second-guessing your mother's medical care, but your mother enjoys her visits...so be it. But, that's just me. Also, you may find the NH entry protocol is pretty porous. Can you provide more info about why you wish to block her?