Can I live my own life yet?
All I can say is ...I'm finished, spent...she has taken the life that she gave me.....played with it, danced on it, wiped her feet on it......and is slowly and masterfully taking it from me.
I Took full responsibility for her for 13 years ...after my father died. EVERYTHING.
Now, at 93, she can't remember to take her pills, eat, can't wash her clothes, can't handle her bills,...and last month she went to assisted living of her own free will. A very nice, safe, well regarded assisted living facility. She had previously been in the same facility in independent living.
A recent email conversation:
ME: You are in a very safe place... people up all night right down the hall. You have a beeper in the necklace to call someone for any reason....they bring you food and your medicine... the girls there are all nice and do a good job.
>>> They can come Every 2 hours in the night if you want them to check on you. We told them not to because they scared you... but maybe you’d feel better if they check on you during the night?
>>> Let me know and we can change it back to having a nighttime check .
MOTHER: You know, have a nightly bed check is NOT like having a friend who visits. Do you understand that I live a very barren life,
>> , and it’s not easy living. Thanks for the concern! I don’t know why I’m even alive! who cares!
>> I’d rather go back and live in a Neighborhood as a real person deserves to live. But of course I’d have no friends there’
>> because I’ve been moving too much.
>> I hope I have taken up too much of your life. Although it was interesting while you were growing up! Remembering is all I have now. remembering.
ME: Are you insinuating I am responsible for your barren, friendless life?
MOTHER:
Yes.
7 Answers
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Why are you not simply saying to her "I am so sorry you feel that way, Mom. It is so difficult getting older. I understand that you are sustaining loss after loss in your life. I wish there was some way I could make it better for you. But there is nothing I can do but be here to listen to you. It makes me sad that you are so unhappy".
And if she then says that she would be happier coming home by you again you can say that you will be there to do all you can to visit with her, but that you have now to live your own life, given your own limitations. Tell her she raised a "selfish girl" (right. Selfish. 13 years. You see where I am going here. Don't give her stuff to work with).
She is suffering the martyr complex. She is an old woman who IS in fact sustaining loss after loss after loss. It will do not good to attempt to tell her that her life is lovely.
We are all different. For my bro he would say "Well, hon, it's a bit like being in a commune; we all get into bickers and have to have a community meeting to settle it out. Or I could compare it to the Army. I didn't want to BE in the army but I did determine to make the best of it". ALL of that lovely stuff said I knew his deep unhappiness, to be out of control of his life, when control was always our thing. To have no balance when walking was what he loved. To be now in the place of having me take over all of his bills and his finances when he has always been so capable, such a "big brother". To be a Democrat at the table of 5 Republicans. (hee) . But that's the kind of man he was. Kind. Always thinking of others. No narcissism in him.
Sometimes it is easier to be MAD than to grieve the losses. Both for your Mom and for you.
Try gentleness. Try honesty. This is tough times. For you both. Admit it. Be honest and sad about it. Then get on with the rest of your day, trying to make your life as full of joy and quality as you are able.
You gave up a lot. I suspect there is a lot of anger within about that. For all you gave up you didn't get a thank you. You may want to spend a couple of hours with a licensed social worker who specializes in counseling folks in the difficult life passages.
Stop trying to convince Mom that this is "all good". While she is luckier than some for certain, nothing about this will ever be, especially for her, all good. When you deny her unhappiness you negate her, much as she is denying YOUR reality. It's a lose lose situation then.
Love out to you. You ALREADY KNOW what you did. You don't need her to tell you. And I suspect somewhere you know you deserve a life. Make one as good as you are able. Each moment of joy you create will strengthen you. Hugs.
" I’d rather go back and live in a Neighborhood as a real person deserves to live."
and yet, they stay indoors all day, every day, with the blinds closed tightly. My aunt was like this. She'd keep the blinds closed saying "It will let the sun and heat in and I will have a high electric bill."
There are people in this world that, no matter how much of yourself you give, it's never enough for them. Never, no matter what.
It is such a betrayal to a child when their mother is one of those types of people.
Intellectually, I'm sure you're aware you are NOT responsible for her happiness. That is something she should have taken control of a long, long time ago. In fact, it seems that she thinks her happiness is inversely proportional to how unhappy she can make you. And that, my dear, is pure spite.
I don't like to throw out the ubiquitous "get counseling" advice, not that I'm against counseling. I just think that you have to want counseling, you have to have some faith that it will help, or else, in my opinion, you're mostly just wasting time. But...
I think you might really benefit from it. To have a professional assure you that you are in no way, shape or form responsible for your mother's happiness, that her telling you these hateful things is just evil, well, I think for you it will be liberating. To have a professional tell you that it is wholly and completely appropriate to remove this toxic relationship from your life - in essence, it is necessary for YOUR mental health and happiness - I think will do you more good than any advice you can get here. And, even more importantly, a good therapist will be able to help you plan a pathway to freedom from this woman.
Again, I know you KNOW all of this, on an intellectual level, but emotionally you are still craving maternal approval that I don't think she will ever give you. So cut the ties, my friend. You have done your filial duty to her by ensuring she is in a safe place. You owe her nothing else. I promise, you owe her nothing else.
Sending you light and love!
Again, I am terribly sorry for the pain that you feel and hope you can find peace when your caregiving journey ends.
Take care.
it sounds as if you mom has her memory and is doing fine mentally. Emotionally, she isn’t reasonable anymore. If that is the case, maybe ask her if she remembers what her life was like at your age. Did she take care of a parent with declining health? Life is hard. No matter what age you are, and life can also be good. I don’t have any real advice, but you tell yourself the truth. You have given up a lot for her and you can choose how much you continue to give up for her. You evaluate her circumstances and your circumstances and YOU decide when you can spend time with her, in a positive, nurturing time for both of you. Don’t let what she says make you feel guilty or shamed. You are capable to make those decisions.
good luck to you.