She suffers from many ailments also, major depression, erythromelalgia, anxiety attacks, etc. She wants to file for divorce from me alleging I have disrespected her (delusion). She has plans to move independently by herself. She is very bitter with life because of her ailments, which spills unto others that she relates with. She is confused and unreasonable as well as angry towards me. She is medicated by a psychiatrist, under psychotherapy by a PHD, has a gerontologist specialist as primary doctor and a physical therapy doctor for her body pains, all of which she likes but so far not much help. What should I do?
My husband DID divorce me. He had not been formally diagnosed with dementia because he refused to see a doctor. After seven years of my coping with his bizarre accusations (I was stealing his money, hiding his possessions,etc. -you get the picture), he decided that he no longer wanted to be married to me because I “needed to be punished” by denying me any surviving spouse pension benefits. Long story short, after a year of fighting against this and $11,000 in legal expenses, I finally gave up.
It has been almost a year and I have stopped grieving for my husband and marriage of 54 years. I still love him and treasure memories of our life together but have made peace with the way things have turned out.
I continue to hope that he will receive the help that he needs but I must admit that it is a relief to not have to cope with his anger and paranoia and the almost constant barrage of mental and emotional abuse.
Blessings!
It not fun dealing with this, but I hope it helps to know you’re not the only one experiencing it. Best wishes.
He is planning on moving any day now. But doesn't have anywhere to go so, I am supposed to leave. He says he is going to live his life his way and I can go to hell. I wish you the best. I sit every night crying and telling myself I need to remember he probably doesn't know what he is saying even though he has been going downhill for over a year. God bless.
That said, I live with my partner with dementia. Tag you are IT, if you are the spouse or the only one in the house, and you will be the target of their paranoia, grumpyness, everything is your fault etc. You may be stealing money or cheating, or YOU moved the bread or cereal that has been in the same place for 10 years. Its a TAG you are IT when it comes to the blame game, even if none of those things are true. And it hurts. I know. On the upside you can redirct them to something else...like with mine,-YOU WANT SOME PIZZA works magic. On the angry side (and I do go there dementia or not) its, I AM UNPLUGGING THE INTERNET get back to me when you can talk to me like a human. *closes door* (but has a security cam system in house to watch him) Within an hour he is like an apologetic 2 year old. Depending on how fast they cycle, the thought/paranoia might be gone in 5 minutes or a day, and then come back in a different form.
2 - this is very common as those with dementia will turn on the person closest to them who they see as the hurdle to what they want to do - many times they don't know what that is just that they want things 'DIFFERENT' & that is the thing they come up with - you are not the first nor the last to go through this whatever small comfort that is
3 - start educating yourself & you have made a good first step by coming here - next look up "TEEPA'S GEMS" - Teepa snow should be called be called the dementia whisperer - she has many short videos that are well worth viewing
4 - when your wife says this don't argue with her but say something like '' I still love you & care for you but if that is your wish then go ahead however as this is your idea you must do it on your own as I won't help you with this'' - she will not be able to organize herself enough to even make an appointment with a lawyer so that will be that
5 - double check what the law is where you live - this site is used in Canada [10 provinces & 3 territories], U.K. [4 main countries plus many smaller entities] & U.S.A. [50 states & a few territories] - NONE OF THESE PLACES HAVE THE SAME LAWS!! so check where you live to be sure what is actually written down in the law books - however many of these laws are similar so that spouses can't dump someone with dementia then scamper away with all the money
Beware..If she still has lucid times of competency, she can REVOKE the Power of Attorney, particularly if being unduly influenced by “loving”, greedy kinfolks.
Next, proceed to have yourself appointed by a court as Guardian of her PERSON (healthcare) & of her ESTATE (assets/$$).
May the Peace of God be your wingman on this part of the journey.
Request this in writing to the psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and gerontologist, and specify the particular concerns you have about her desire to divorce you and all other concerns about gaps in her executive functioning, extremes of emotion,
With an objective assessment drafted by trained experts, you will have a tool that will help you move forward with the most realistic and humane course to take in “helping” her manage her affairs.
Technically, leaving aside all of the other (important) issues, if your wife has not been declared legally incompetent through mental incapacity, she can divorce you.
But I'd add drily: I'd like to see her try. Those are some complex projects she's talking about embarking on, and obviously she couldn't count on your help!
You don't think this is an expression of anger and unhappiness rather than a firm clear intention to follow a given course of action?
This must be a pretty miserable time for you. How long have you been married? How are you feeling about your marriage, your wife's illness, and life in general?
May I ask why you ask?