Went to a rehabilitation center for therapy. After completing therapy, my wife signed me out under the impression she would be there for me to help with my needs. She has lied to me and abandoned me a few times already since I been back.

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All due respect Steve - you will catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I'm sorry that you feel like or even that your wife has actually left you on your own in your time of need. But I can tell you as a caregiver - it is not an easy job to begin with. I don't know what your needs are or how severe - it would help us to give advice if we knew more about this situation.

But I can tell you this. I'm aware of two very different caregiving situations. My mom took care of my dad for a very long time before he passed. My dad was very dependent and in pain for a long time and then very, very ill for a short time before he passed. He could have been angry, mean, and taken his pain and anger out on the person nearest to him. My mom. But instead, he chose to appreciate all of the love and care that she showed to him. He thanked her every single time she did something for him. Literally every single time. When I stepped in to give mom respite, he thanked me if I so much as brought him a glass of tea. He made sure that anyone who was taking care of him knew how much he appreciated it. He was miserable and in pain, but he was still able to take a moment and ensure that the people who were taking care of him knew that he appreciated every thing they did for him.

My mom said that the fact that he did that and she knew it was genuine was what kept her going and kept him out of a Skilled Nursing Facility because she never felt taken for granted and when it was hard or more than she could take, she always felt like she could give it just a little bit more because he was never difficult and never ever asked her for anything more than what he expressly needed.

On the other hand - we have my FIL -who makes caregiving a living hell. Nothing is ever good enough. He is miserable and he wants everyone to be miserable with him. If he asks you for steak for dinner and you make him steak - then he changes his mind and wants pork chops so the steak isn't good enough. He hates everyone around him - and he's not even sick - he's just immobile - of his own doing. He is angry at the world and he takes it out on his caregivers. He is quite frankly the biggest whiny baby I have ever met in my life. And if I have my way about it he'll be in a Skilled Nursing Facility before it's over with because he is one fall away from being beyond any of us taking care of him at home.

If he could find an ounce of humility or appreciation - it would change all of our attitudes about caring for him. We would bend over backwards to help him stay in his home. But we are completely burnt out from dealing with a 300lb elderly toddler for too long and we are ready to completely wash our hands of him entirely.

So my question to you is this....where are you on this continuum? You say that your wife "signed me out she would be there for me to help with my needs and she has lied to me and abandoned me a few times already since I been back."
That's a pretty strong statement. It sounds like you needed more help when you got home. Were you actually ready to leave rehab independently? But it also sounds like you are able to use a computer and so it stands to reason that you are able to coordinate your in home after care.

What exactly is your wife NOT doing that you need done? How has she abandoned you? How much are you asking of her? How long as she been caregiving for you? What took you to rehab in the first place? Was she taking care of you prior to that? What is your relationship with her like outside of caregiving? And what does "abandoned me a few times already since I've been back" look like? Are you talking about leaving for days at a time - or just a trip to the grocery story and you needed something while she was away?

Why would you want to send her to jail? That's a pretty strong, aggressive approach to someone that is helping you.
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ThinkingOutLoud Feb 2023
Lovely response. And a realistic response. Thank you.
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Its not a crime to say No, this caregiving is out of my realm and I can't do it! What are you expecting is a piece of cake for her to do for you that she's not doing, exactly? And what all kind of care have you given HER that you feel she owes you this? Try a little kindness with your wife, perhaps, and asking for her help rather than demanding it or threatening to send her to jail if she doesn't! If you were my husband and acting that way, I'd tell you where to go!

Or try calling a caregiver agency for more help than you'll get from the police.

When the chips are down in life is when we often discover who the people are that truly love us. But make sure you're asking something reasonable of your wife and in a kind way before you chalk her off as not loving you.
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You want your wife to go to jail?
You want your wife to be punished for not caregiving you?

Hire a caregiver to meet your needs.

What happened to you when your needs were not met?
Are you okay?
Do you need in home help?
Or to go back to the hospital?
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If that was the case, my husband would have been in jail many times. He faints during medical crises -- mine or his -- and isn't worth a darn when things get ugly.

I was in the ER last year with pancreatitis, and I had to share the gurney with him because he started to pass out. I was in the worst pain of my life and holding onto HIM so he wouldn't pass out and fall off the gurney.

I always say people do what they can do, but it's rarely what we expect them to do. Hire caregivers and stop expecting anything from your wife. She has proven herself to be a poor caregiver.
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If you now need more care than your wife can provide you I think it may be time to consider placement in care facility whether permanently or temporarily. As to whether she can be jailed the answer is no. You seem more than mentally capable of calling 911. And of hiring extra care if you need it.
Wishing you luck.
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I doubt that she could be jailed for that. Maybe grounds for divorce or perhaps elder abuse.
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Sounds like you need a honest conversation with your wife.

To explain your needs & expectations.
Then your wife can explain what she can do & what she can't. So you both understand each other better.

If there is a gap between what you NEED & what she can DO - you will need to figure out how to manage that gap. Vising services eg aides or nurses, friends or family, or stay in rehab longer.
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Not getting any sympathy here, huh. Why, because most of us have had to care for a man in one way or another. My Dad was a pain for my Mom to care for. Loved him, but was glad he passed before Mom. I would have not cared for him. I have told my DH if needed I will care for him as long as I can but making no promises.

Seems you can use a computer so why did you not sign yourself out. All signing out means is the facility has no responsibility towards you once you walk thru that door. I don't think it puts full responsibility on the person picking you up.

Why were you in rehab. How old are you? What is it you can't do for yourself that ur wife needs to do? What do you mean by abandoning you? Are you maybe taking advantage of the situation and wife leaves to get away. Really, there's two sides to this story and I'd love to hear the wife's.
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AlvaDeer Feb 2023
Exactly; this is a pretty savvy gentleman, well aware of how to sign himself out, well aware of how to hire the help he requires. The wife may have taken a powder; I certainly would have.
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I would love to know how she "abandoned " you ? Like to the grocery store or the Drs,, or maybe a quick run to the library? Not sure she can be arrested, but I bet alot you can be sent back to rehab, or a NH pretty quickly if they determine you NEED care and are not getting it. And your wife can not provide it safely. Watch what you wish for,,,
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JoAnn29 Feb 2023
This is true. Call the cops, they call in APS, wife says no can do, APs places him in LTC with his money.
File case with your County and State ELDER ABUSE units and also a crimjbal case with your local city or county law enforment.

Only law enforment and Adult Protective Services can send a criminal case to local District Attorney prosecutor for criminal charges. DA has right to reject case or send it to court and issue arrests warrant. That is same process across USA. Look up elements of the crime of ELDER ABUSE in your State first, online under State law. Do not “goggle” it. Goggle gives much false information go straight to primary authority the actual law. Duck Duck Go is a search engine if more integrity also as Goggle then monitors you, profiles you then seller thst info they profile in you to marketing companies. Goggle makes money off your identifying info and habits a only.

You cannot force another person to care for you full time unless you and he or she signed Power of Attorney for medical power of attorney first. They have rights as well. If two doctors (the law in CA) have deemed you unable to care for yourself, and then someone abandoned and neglected your care, you have a case. But given fact you were able to utilize internet and logically ask your question, doesn’t seem like you are legally incompetent to care for yourself but needed physalis care. Call your insurance social worker to have nurse come to you. It’s covered by insurance. Then tell nurse about neglect if spice to send social worker to speak w your wife about your care.

Contact local and State Adult or Senior Protective Services unit against anyone who is suppose to care for you if they fail to do so or properly. It is called neglect. Adult Protective Services intervene on your behalf administratively and will interview her to determine her reasons. If they deem it illegal by her, they send case to local DA for elder abuse.

You left out details as to why she had to sign you out and from where. So it’s hard to answer fully.

”Jail” is only for misdemeanors and those awaiting court. Prison is for felony crimes. All types of elder abuse can be either misdemeanors or felonies depending on details and charges filed by DA with the court on your behalf.

Ensure before going to law enforment or any govt like Adult Protectivr Services with your complaints of neglect and abandonment, your complaints are legal per regulating law. That’s why it’s important you read actual law you are accusing her of before you file reports against her.

Otherwise, you may be seen as making false reports, retaliatory because she only didn’t do what you wanted, or that you are abusing govt system to harass her, bc she failed to behave as you wanted for rest of your life when she signed no medical if power of attorney to care for you.

Also, you don’t want to abuse an over-worked, under appreciated Elder Abuse system if what she did was not illegal but that you just didn’t like it.
Helpful Answer (3)
gladimhere Feb 2023
A POA is not required to be a provide care. A POA is responsible for arranging for needs it that person is incapacitated. It is obvious that is not the case here.
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