Dad owns part of the house and wants to be home. I don't know, maybe he should be, with the right set of nurses and day care people. im on vacation and got a call from the alf that they caught him with bags packed and a suitcase filled. he was only going to be for a month but just doesn't seem to connect. I am way to connected; he seems like part of me or me of him. but my husband said I have become a different person and so has he. I struggle daily with a final decision---force alf on him or bring him home with help. he considers me his only contact to the world and yada yada yada....
is there a third choice that I am missing?
the just started psychological tests and found his memory very short but his mind sharp... it must drive him crazy. but no one has put him on any meds....
?
But he was so arthritic and, with dementia, in and out of reality, that I prayed night after night that he would just join my mom. I just don't know if that would have happened in my home, since he kept thinking he needed to be here to "take care of you." His fatherly instincts just never rested. I tried to help him think he was very needed and invented scenarios to keep him feeling needed. It is so hard to know. He just seemed so anxious and worried the last months no matter what we did to comfort him. And I tried everything. I will forever miss my dad, but I'm glad he had the option in the end to leave his "duties" at my home and choose to pass on his own terms. That's the first time I've said that, but I think it is true. We were so connected that I don't think he would have gone here with me. His last moments were spent listening to me sing....that's probably a good time to go! His funeral was a tribute to his life that it was very very helpful to me and my children. I'd advise everyone to talk it through with aging parents; it was one of the best things I did because he got his final ride atop the fire truck, the naval aviators song, SKY Anchors aweigh, the last fireman's bell, my children reading his favorite poetry and Bible verses, taps on the harmonica, a beautiful obituary, his favorite minister came back to town, and even a B-24 flyover audio. (He wanted the real thing...sorry Daddy) If you plan ahead, it brings a certain amount of peace. I hope this helped, Josie. My husband and I are going hiking today. Fresh air and exercise, which has, as you know been very difficult to include in care giving routine, seem to recenter me. Let me know how you are doing. I really want to help if I can. Peace.
There's nothing more stressful than being responsible for someone without having the real-life authority to enforce the rules. When he tells you to go to hell, what are you going to do about it?
In-home support, no matter how good it is, won't make the all-important difference: it's still going to be you who is responsible for his care. Well. All I know is that my mother's refusal to co-operate drives me up the wall, and she is a sweet little old lady who doesn't talk back - it's all passive resistance with her.
I think "responsibility" is the operative word. If you don't want it, don't get lumbered with it. You certainly don't have any obligation to accept it. Whereas if he's in that ALF that you had all ready for him, you can visit as often as you like and cheer-lead for him. Much more fun for both of you.
Just be very careful, and listen to your husband (that way you can blame him for the decision! - ho ho ho only joking…).
Whatever the impairments are, I am willing to bet a pretty high amount (say a five-pound box of deluxe chocolates) that you did not cause them. Do I win that bet?
Countrymouse hits the nail on the head (again) when she points out that it is reality that is behind this situation. We all wish we were all-powerful, and in some ways our culture tells us we should be or should strive to be. But the fact is, we cannot stop our parents from aging. We cannot stop our spouse's dementia from progressing. We cannot keep our loved ones safe from all the woes that can befall humanity. So we have to face the situation and do our best. In your profile you say you would like to feel more confident. So would we all! Courage is not the absence of fear -- it is acting in spite of fear. I think confidence is like that, too. It is not about knowing you have control or can do something perfectly -- it is doing your best in spite of the impossibility of perfection.
Your profile indicates you have issues to resolve with your father. MAYBE you could approach that better as simply his daughter, and not his hands-on caregiver. What do you think?
Whatever you decide, hold your head high for taking this so seriously and giving careful consideration to what is the right thing to do.
are great resources to help with problems you don't know how to address. I am all for assisted living and will have my mom going to one soon. It's best for myself and her. Good luck!
No prospect of the wanderer returning? How old? My friend in London's 19 year old cat has just taken herself off and vanished; we have to assume she knew what she wanted to do. And the friend lost her solitary chicken, Florence, to a fox - you can't really keep chickens in London, the foxes have lost all fear of humans and help themselves to pretty much everything.
I hope your dad is really having a great time. If he is, it'll be worth putting up with comments for a while until he gets over amusing himself at your expense. Gratitude, now - I wouldn't hold your breath for that...
Hugs to you, husband and Dad x
and trust me, I will NEVER agree to get him to stay in a nursing. home. im moved out first and let him have the house. he scares me. leaves oven on, roams the house, falls unconscious. breaks bones.
There is plenty of good, factual information available explaining the responsibilities entailed in a DPOA. Re-read it for yourself.
You're trying to provide your dad with a safe environment ANYWAY. You don't need a kick in the pants, or any scare stories, to tell you you want to do that.
If your father's still driving - is he?! Don't think I knew that - he is presumably insured. If his cognitive impairment (or his physical impairment come to that, it's not long since his surgery), renders him unfit to drive you need only inform his insurers. Then you inform the licensing authorities. And meanwhile you remove the keys to a safe place. Then, with his agreement, you sell his car if he has one and let him enjoy having the cash. You can buy an awful lot of taxi journeys for what it takes to run a car.
How's he getting on in the ALF? Hope it's been a decent weekend, though from the sound of it you're none too happy. What's gone on?