How can my father get the care and support he needs if neither my husband nor I can enter his house due to a smoke allergy and he is non-compliant with the doctors?

POLKAMOOD, to some of us it isn't considered a burden, or something we feel we HAVE to do. Yes, it is stressful, and something that requires a great deal of yourself, and a strict balancing between your life and caretaking is needed.
It doesn't mean that people are not going to have bad days and vent about it.

Each person has a choice. I made mine a long time ago. I have already stated the past is the past.
I am fortunate that I do understand why he was the way he was, and it was forgiven a long time ago. Fact is, I love him very much, and I want him to live as close to a great quality of life that he can.

I respect individual choices of whether to care for the parent or not.

I do not appreciate those that respond with "let him die", or infer that something is wrong with me for taking on his care.
We all may have something in common...but our situations are still unique to each of us, and no one has the right to judge the other.

Each response should be written carefully, thoughtfully and sent with great respect.

I will not leave him alone to suffer, confused, hungry and cold. That is heartless. He can rage at me all he wants. 90% is hell, but that 10% when it isn't make up for all the rest. It is the best feeling in the world when he notices, and responds with kindness that is genuine.

I am not a fool. I know when he is trying to play games.

It comes down to this. I do believe in a family unit. I do believe in respecting his wishes. I do believe in take care of someone that worked incredibly hard his entire life to make sure we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, and clothes on our backs.
Both of my parents worked hard for this, and I will respect it.
This is my belief, and not a judgement on those that choose not to care for their parents. Not everyone can do this. That doesn't mean they are less of a person than me. It means we are different, which is wonderful.

Take care, and have a wonderful weekend.

I have removed all notifications of responses. I will not be checking back.
I know who I am, and what I want to do.

Heatherj43 , I am not angry with him, and contrary to what most have written, I have not walked away from him. I won't, However, he does need to stop smoking. I am allergic to it, and cannot be in the house due to it.

The problem with this type of forum is you cannot hear the inflection of the voice, or see the person's face, so many things are read and taken the wrong way.

I would prefer a physical support group, but there isn't one in my area.

Good to have a sounding board. I am lucky that I do not have to care for my parents: mother had a stroke and died, dad lingered a year or 2 with cancer. I see my friends (in their 50's and 60's) who feel beholden to take care of each parent until their deaths. I had never entertained that thought...and I don't expect my children to take care of me. It is a great burden. Happy day tomorrow to you all...make it a good day!

I can hear a lot of anger that you seem to have against your father. My eldest sister and I are now caring for both my parents, who were neglectful parents. In the beginning, we use to ask why even help them, but the bottom line is there is little to no help for them anywhere out in the world and now they are just 2 old people who need help. We happen to be their kids. I don't even think about the past with them anymore and just consider the fact that its only us who can help and they really need help.
We do what we can. I do have one sister who won't talk about them and doesn't want to know anything about them. She has made that very clear and even changed her phone number. I had to ask her if she wants me to tell her if they die and she had to think about it!!
Her anger stems from lots of things and I can't really blame her, but if all 4 of us felt like that, I hate to think of the consequences. it would be worse than leaving 2 babies alone.
I know that I have to live with myself and so I do what I do. I do not have to be like my parents, thus I am not and I care for them.

Naheaton, I think your remarks are a definite reflection on whatever is going on in your life. I would appreciate it if you didn't try to make it part of mine.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

Insanityruns, You are not God, there is nothing more you can do. I would inform the rest of the family, and his girlfriend of all that you've told us, then I'd STOP. Let him die, he is hell bent on doing it anyhow. Do not feel guilty, like I said you are not GOD. Doesn't sound like he's gonna last much longer anyway. I know it sound harsh, but what recourse do you have left except to give him his space? IF and when he were to realize that you are no longer reaching out to him, maybe (little maybe) a light will go off in his head,( but don't hold your breath). Stop the hysteria, calm down and let him go. We all make choices in life, he's made a series of bad ones, now it's time to 'pay the piper' so to speak.
I'm sorry about your dad, but it's a no win situation.

I know how desperately my dad wants to remain independent. I can understand this. He has conceded, depending on his mood, that he does need help.
I am sure he is falling from TIA's, and needs to see his physician at Johns Hopkins to see if his arteries are blocked, moreso, than they were a year ago. He refuses to go because he stopped paying his secondary insurance.. waiting for this to be activated!!
There are moments when I can see appreciation in his eyes. He has never in my life been one to vocalize such sentiments.
No, I don't like roll reversal, but they are required. He has to stop smoking if he wants to continue to receiving any help from us.
All of his health issues are aggravated by his smoking.
I cannot walk away. The moments when he has shown appreciation, or shown despair at what is going on.. or when..
he was in the hospital, serious staph infection, he screamed at the top of his lungs that I was disowned! HA!! and to get out of his room!
Honest... I got up close, in his face, and said.. "F YOU old man! I love you very much, you can disown me, kick me out of your room, but I will still love you!" Then I told him I would leave his room. I needed to do so anyway so he would calm down. So, I went down to the lobby. My husband raced down a bit later, all frantic... "they are rushing him into surgery... " His femerol artery ( used for two stent surgeries two weeks apart) was infected and it had spread through his body.
I jumped up, swiped my card through all the doors, going as fast as I could, and missed him by 30 seconds.
Paced for the next six hours. My feet were bruised!! Because of my status, I was allowed to be with him when he came out of surgery.
When he became alert, he saw me, and started crying.. and saying how sorry he was..
I told him I wasn't going anywhere, and I didn't leave the hospital.. and just talked to him so he would calm down.

I know he needs help, and it is unfortunate that the area I live in doesn't offer what is needed.

He can drive. He goes places.
If he is put in a home, I will be killing him. His will to live will diminish.
I have to keep assuring him that I am not trying to take anything from him.

At the same time, how do I get him to take his meds, or eat, or turn on the heat!!!
I feel like he wants to live, but at the same time he wants to let go.

He is going to go on his own terms, not mine. So I talk to God, I talk to myself, I talk to my mom (deceased) and ask her for help, since she mad me promise her I would never put him in a home.

All for now.. My days are very long. He is not my only responsibility.

Exercise, eat right, try to get a decent amount of sleep, and talk to your friends that understand. :)
God Bless all!

I know exactly how you feel Polkamood! My best friend suffered from BiPolar disorder. He was in and out of hospitals. He conned his way through his therapy sessions. Unfortunately, he hanged himself in 2001.
He did the samethings you described of your friend. Prior to his mother's death, she would call me at all hours for help.

I thought of my online name, just from the way I am feeling. I wanted it to say Insanity Runs Deep! Oh well, right?

Yes, most people toss people with this disorder to the curb. It is incredibly difficult to live with this disorder as a patient. The medications have side effects that are very hard to live with. So, they stop taking them.

It is very draining on family and friends as well. It wears you out.

I will never know why he decided to go. To release the insane mental pain he was in, the emotional pain he was in as well, or if he gave up.
I miss him though.

I worry about my dad. His Father hanged himself when he was a child.
So, there is a concern regarding his own life.

When I found out he was so close to losing the house, I asked him where he would have gone... "to the mission I guess"

I am not sure why, but all of the services available in the area have said they cannot help. I am not stupid, or I would be doing what I do for a living. People have come out to his house, and all report there is nothing they can do. I am floored.
Legally I cannot commit a family member. Otherwise I would, and have him held, and hope for a transfer to a facility.

Assisted living cannot help. They cannot force someone to follow a diet, take meds, etc. and they will not allow smoking.
He also has to go voluntarily.
The only way I can get him in a nursing home is if his physician steps up..
and he won't.

Are we having fun yet??

My mother died.
My only brother has a brain tumor

I am this man's step daughter, since I was 12.
He has two children of his own, but they want nothing to do with him, unless he dies, then they will camp out in the yard!!

Legally, I have no standing as a blood family member.
Yet, I am tied close enough to him that I legally cannot do anything as a physician either!! Isn't that a hoot?!

I have to laugh, if I don't, I will go insane.

Faith, got to have it! Throw it up to God! That, and talking to myself in the shower! :)

WOW, what a horrid burden! It is sad that grown children feel so much guilt over parents who do NOT appreciate what they do. (I love your online name, btw...wish I had thought of it!)

My friend for 50 yrs is bipolar, and is causing havoc in her family. Her grown daughters are frantic over her behavior and spending ($15,000 in a couple of days), crude language, erratic rapid speech, on and on with the symptoms. This has been going on for over 6 mos, since she will not comply with dr orders/rx. She is very good at "appearing normal" when she has to, so has fooled many doctors, counselors, police etc. The only mental health facility, she was taken to by the hospital/ambulance, and talked her way out at the hearing by a judge. They do not want to hear about any PAST behavior, only what she is likely to do in the future...whether she is a danger to self or others. It will take her running down a family with one of the 3 cars she has bought...I shudder to think. IN the meantime, she has sold everything she owns, moved out (evicted) from her apartment, and now lives at a motel, dresses like a gypsy/hooker, hires ex-cons to be her "driver" or help her pack and move, telephones all of us umpteen times a day, including her doctors, insists that she has a brain hemorrhage or tumor, and bleeding "from all orifices." I am not making this up, and that is just a fraction of the craziness from the past 6 mos.

I am not even related to her, but we have been friends for 50 yrs, and I have known her 2 daughters since they were born. Their father is dead, and now no mother, so I have offered to help how I can. I have taken a lot of flak (read cursing, disrespect, crazy allegations) thru this time, tho all I have done is try to help. Most people she knows have run the other way after some period of abuse.

Thanks for letting me vent all this. I would be happy to hear from anyone who has this experience. Thanks, California non-nurse

oops, I meant to write, his behavior is NOT totally controlled by diabetes.

I have contacted every service available. They even came to his home, and called me and told me they could not help. Assisted living is out. All turned him down due to finances.

He had a double stroke at the age of 49. He is 75 now.
He has had carotid artery bypass, stroke during surgery..
Stents in both sides, and replaced!!!
As of last year, 48% block, and 69% block.. I am convinced he is close to 85-90% now.
He is having what are called drop attacks from TIA's to the base of his brain. The last fall was on an escalator. He fractured his foot.
My husband came home this evening, and told me he is refusing to wear his cast. It is removeable so he can treat his feet.
His physician is not a big help. I found out about him falling AFTER he returned from a bus trip with his lady friend. After the beating I took trying to get him to see his physician in the ER, I let it go one day, until his scheduled appt. I was floored when his own physician wouldn't order an X-ray!
I hear things like, oh.. his blood sugar is 525, that is a little high...
????????????????????????????????????????????????????
My husband is diabetic! I have a very extensive medical background.. that is a LITTLE high????
He is down around 150 now. Miracle of miracles.
He also suffers from polycythemia. It is a type of blood cancer. Only treatment is drawing blood to bring down the pressure.
This is probably what caused his first sets of strokes.. and wasn't caught until 15 years or more later!
Bladder cancer as well. I tired of being told that they "Got it all", only to take him right back in for more surgery! He did listen and went to Hopkins and they did a new non-invasive treatment, no trouble since.

Everything both 195Austin, and Isabelcares have written I agree with.
Except that his behavior is totally controlled by diabetes. He has been this way with me for a very long time. Long before he developed diabetes. Yes, when his blood sugar was high, he was incredibly cruel.

After all of this time I can tell when it is his blood sugar, high blood pressure, lack of O2 to the brain, or his is just plain treating me like garbage because he thinks he can.

He has three other children, who are not around, or helping.
He lies to his lady friend. She found out from me this evening that he has NOT quit smoking! He told her he had! I have to wonder about her sense of smell...
To her defense, she has been working and has only spoken to him on the phone lately.
She and I talked, and agreed he is hell bent on going out on his own terms, and it isn't going to be pretty.
Yes, he should be somewhere that has 24/7 care. I cannot force him to go, and I do not have the resources to go to court. Even if I did, his own physician would have to be on board, and he isn't .
Which I find frightening.

My mother passed 12 years ago. PE. Lung cancer that was treated. She died the day she recieved news that it was gone. However, all the blood transfusions (EPO shots didn't work) messed with her warafin levels.
I kept calling and telling them she was throwing clots, and she died from one... because no one took it seriously. Four months from diagnosis to death. From walking to cane, to walker to O2, and no one thought this was odd but me? She was having trouble breathing because she was throwing small clots. She was breathing better before treatment!

I know I have no recourse. I also know I will be blamed by the rest of the family when he dies. Used to this one, they blamed me for my mother..
My dad's lady friend agreed with me. I have a feeling she is going to start backing away from him as well. She doesn't like his lying to her.
I don't blame her at all.
It is incredibly hard to see someone in his shape, who probably wants help, on his own terms which will not work, needs help, but refuses to do the smallest things to help himself.
It is heartbreaking. The past is the past, I cannot talk to him about it because he doesn't understand.

The best I can hope for him is that he has a massive stroke that takes him instantly.
I have never been one to walk away from someone that needs help.
I have to weigh how much of it he doesn't understand vs. he is being cruel, and selfish.
I go to his appts. with him. I wonder why.. but it can work to my advantage, since he isn't following orders, at all....
No, I won't go to the house. I can't.
yes, we all experience the want to hide underneath something, when they speak too loudly, and say inappropriate things!!!
How ugly someone is!! oh my gosh!!
He calls African Americans "colored" which I just die from!! I tell him it isn't appropriate, but he just gets louder!
My husband is Jewish, and he goes on a rant about Jews!
and looks at me like I agree with him!!
UGH.

thank you for letting me vent!!! I am floored by the lack of available help from the community he lives in. I have exhausted all avenues.

Insanity runs, your Dad (and you and your husband) will benefit from a social services referral. You can't help him for medical reasons, so it's not as if you are shirking your responsibilities. His doctor and/or social services need to do the honors in his life to help him ease on down the road to assisted living, or round-the-clock supervised nursing care. Otherwise, you have done all you can do to save him from himself. You can't force him to do what he needs to be doing, but you can reclaim and regain your own health and emotional sanity. God bless you for doing your very best. Your Dad has made some choices and he is locking himself in pretty severely, sadly. As 195 Austin has shared about her own care circumstances, his lack of diabetes management alone, may shorten his lifespan significantly.

When I first saw that you said he was nonconplaint I knew he must be a diabetic I do not know which comes first but 95% of the diabetics are noncomplaint the way you describe him he could be my husband except he died almost a year ago-I did everything for him and he was sweet as pie to others and mean to me-I had to just learn to walk away at home and when he was in the hospital or many stays in the nursing homes-one would not take him back one of the times and then when they were real short of pts. they took him back but discharged him too soon. Even the days leading up to his dieing he would treat me differently he would respond to others but not me-he loved to play games. Can you call social service and see if they can get him help so you do not have to be his servant-I would be inclined not to go to his house he affects your health besides treating you badly which you do not deserve-I kept telling myself that and it helped me not to respond to his slings and arrows-you probably can not change his behaivor but you can start changing how he affects you.