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Thanks Holy Cow for your advice. It was very good. I know I need to talk about it and that is why I'm doing this. At least it helps me get it off my chest. I have her here tonight and dinnertime was very difficult since my husband will not sit at the table with her and she will not sit with him. She waits till he goes to bed to come out of the living room and ask me for her dinner. I'm in the middle of this mess and it is very hard to deal with. I think they are both stubborn. It also means that I have to make dinner twice. I just feel like no one cares about making me work more than I have to, and as you know from my previous posts, I work, and work all the time.
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I have somewhat of the same problem. My husband doesn't want my dad staying with us as he thinks he is " Using us and taking advantage " of this situation. My dad has some rather large bills he racked up over the years from just not taking care of them properly and as a result, they bar him from getting an apartment anywhere! So, He stays with us. Now I love my dad, He took care of me when he and my mom divorced and she didn't want me, and sacrificed alot in order to take care of me. Now, he is old, cant do as much as he used to, has 2 different types of cancer and he slowly becoming forgetful. My older sister always says to me " It's not right for him to treat dad that way! " but then when I mention you not he stay with her for a while just to ease the situation of bit she says " No! I can't handle dad and all his little 1940's way of doing things! YOU take care of him. " So I do. Now my dad has a gambling problem and that's what pisses my husband off. in the past, my dad has blows his entire SSI and VA Pension on Gambling and that's what make my husband resent my dad so much. But what hurts is he says that he has no connection to my dad so why should he care? he seems to care about where my dad's money is going. My husband charges my dad $250 for staying with us due to just having to buy extra everything or special items for my dad, because that money just goes right back to my dad in the form of certain items he needs. My dad does help with chores because he said it's good for him and it is, his Dr told us to keep him moving around and not to shirk of taking care of himself. My dad also just put me in charge of his finances and bank account so he can keep up on his bills. He is also starting to feel like he should prepare everyone for his death, which stresses me out a bit as I am in charge of all of that and also it scares my 11 year old when he hears his grandpa talking about that, and it just stresses me out when he says " I can go to the homeless shelter and live there " What my dad doesn't realize is that our state checks income for use of those services to prevent beds being lost to those who need them and he also thinks he can get a place in a different town, as if hims unpaid debt will magically not follow him. My Nephew whats to help care for him, but my nephew is 21 and is a partying college kid -I told him NO. It's just hard doing this and it makes me sad when my husband glares at my dad at dinner and also confusing when he talks in a good way about my dad and says he can stay as long as he wants. It's hard doing this but someone has to , my mom died 5 years ago and it's hard, very very hard.
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It's pretty simple, if you want to stay married, you should respect your husband's opinion. If you don't care to stay married to him, then do whatever you want.

I know that can sound hard, but it really is that simple.
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Now that you are in charge of his finances, Dad shouldn't have money available to gamble! Be sure you have Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney.

It sounds like both of these ladies have husbands with control issues and could use a bit of therapy on their own. I am all about open conversation, why don't you suggest talking to your minister or doctor.

I know having a parent living in your home is difficult on many different levels. Some husbands are still little boys and there is jealously and resentment when the wife is taking of someone else. The attention meant for husband, as far as the husband sees it, is focused elsewhere and it just doesn't sit well.

Sadly, if it is causing too much stress in the home; then you do have to make another decision for the care of the parent. If you and your husband had a great relationship before this new responsibility, then there is only one decision. If this caregiving has brought previous issues and concerns back into the picture then the decision can be very difficult and will probably require professional help.

Best of luck to you both!
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I'm puzzled as to why the grandson doesn't care for Gma but has say and can veto the outside help the grow ups need.
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I have been married for about 4 years. I have been a caretaker for my mom about 8 years, since she had a stroke. So my husband knew about my mom before we married.  She is 68, cant drive, lives in an apartment, and doesnt need much care. I typically do her meds  once a week and take her  to the store once or twice a week.  I have to take off work occasionally to take her to the doctor.  We are very close and I need her in my life, there is no other family to help me. Now my husband decided he doesn't want me helping her out as much and would like her to be in assisted living. He would like the freedom to apply to jobs away from the area, maybe remote places. But she is capable of taking care of herself for the most part and isnt ready for assisted living.  I feel stuck in the middle,  like I will have to choose between them.  Am I being selfish for wanting to continue to be a caregiver? Should I make her be more independent and not spend as much time with her?
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It will do your mother good not to be wholly dependent on you. Encourage her to use other resources - cleaning, shopping, taxi services, for example - and to widen her social network. I think you should do that anyway, for your and your mother's sakes - it's not healthy for her world to revolve around you.

I'm not going to comment on your husband's attitude partly 'cos I don't know him and partly because I might forget my manners. Just don't get browbeaten into anything you aren't completely comfortable with, please.
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Your husband sounds very selfish, honestly 2 days please!!! I could understand thinking it over if u had her all the time, but why should your brother and nephew take on extra just to suit a selfish man that cant be bothered, he should be supporting you!! Not making a childish fuss!! Id tell him to grow the f#@$ up and realise this!! Its not fair on the others if you dont have her for the 2 days, but then people reap what they sow, if he cant have your mother then he has no right to care if he gets sick himself karma in action
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