I have shared in this forum previously about my MIL's issues with ALZ. Today this post is to share about me. I am 45 yrs. old with 11-year-old and 15-year-old kids. My MIL has been in stage 5, moderate for a very long time. She has been living with the disease for at least 9 years now. She is physically quite healthy and active for a 83 yr. old in spite of the uncontrolled diabetes she has had for 40 yrs. (no heart disease, pressure or any diabetes complications). So, she might carry on with ALZ for more years I guess. She spends 5 months each in our house and my husband’s brother. The sons will not put MIL in a nursing home due to cultural reasons. I have shared before with all of you of her cursing me and the other daughter in law 24/7 either for the food we cook or that we are stealing her clothes. We cook everyday dreading what yelling we will encounter. I am used to her calling me devil, who*e and other curse words all the time. Since the sight of me makes her go berserk, I am mostly huddled up in my room or I take my two kids out for activities and escape my house. I never have dinner with family because if I sit at the dinner table it is a nightmare, listening to the abuse about the food we cook. Our family has turned quite dysfunctional, only my husband and MIL eat together. Everybody else eats at their own time. Both me and husband work from home and have very busy jobs. I do most of the cooking and cleaning for the family. However, because my husband fears his mother hurling abuse about food (she thinks all cooked food is 6 months old or tastes bad), he whips up something fresh for her lunch and dinner every day. All she does is curse (swearing and curses that evil things happen to me or that I should get a disease and die, let someone shoot you, something falls on your head, let your kids illtreat you, etc.). Even in her sleep, and in her prayers, I can see her muttering to God to give me the worst suffering (I sometimes think it’s hilarious.). She does not curse her own children, it's only the daughter in-laws and her own mother-in-law, sister in laws etc., I used to be patient with her all the time, right from the beginning of this disease and never retort back, in part because my husband wouldn’t let me, and I wanted to keep family peace. Rarely when it used to get to my nerves, and I would say something he would swing right back at me in support his mother. Since we are both in the same house working from home, he is around all the time and if I say something, it will become an ugly fight between us which I don’t want my kids to endure. But in the last several months, I think something strange has happened to me. Even when my MIL is yelling like crazy onto my face, I don’t feel like saying anything in return. It’s like I have no energy to fight, or I feel frozen. I feel even if she attacks me, I will just stay frozen and not defend back. I was a highly organized, fast, multi-tasking person before. But now, I am noticing my office work is suffering, deadlines are missing, missing kid’s deadlines (like when they are absent at school, I am forgetting to call the school and the school staff is upset and calling me), forgetting about library books, forgetting to cancel extracurricular lessons, and getting non-refunds now, misplacing things in the house. I am turning forgetful, and I cannot multi-task like before. I can only do one thing at a time. I am on the internet countless hours searching non relevant stuff and office work is suffering. I used to take showers everyday but these days I don’t realize that I haven’t showered in like two or three days. I recently got an auto immune disorder Alopecia areata where I am losing hair in patches. I don’t know if it has something to do with my stress. I tried a few counselling sessions, but it didn’t help. I don’t think I am depressed. But something is wrong with me, and I cannot diagnose what and what I should do.
I also came from a “cultural “ family. Many bad and untrue things were said about me when we moved my mother into a nursing home. However, we knew it was better for our family and her. )even one of our married children did not understand and wanted to take mom to her house). I had to stand strong and do what I knew was best for ALL, including mom. Once in the nursing home, our family was able to get back on track and mom got the help she needed. To think about it; it has to be torture for MIL also to be construing a state of agitation.
you and your husband might benefit from speaking to a counselor familiar with elderly issues, an elder lawyer, an elderly health care advocate, and some local nursing homes. Once your husband hears what they have to say, he may see things differently.
if he refuses to do the aforementioned, then I would look into protecting yourself (first put on your own oxygen mask) then your children.
I’ll be praying for you sweet sister 🙇🏻♀️
Your children are being taught that abuse in the home is acceptable. They WILL carry that into their adult lives in some form or fashion. They may inflict abuse - they may accept abuse, but it will manifest itself.
Let them see you put a stop to it - refuse to accept it - refuse to make them witness and accept it.
Reach around behind you and grab that spine.
Peace.
Yes: REFUSE to accept it.
That is the only way the situation will change.
As long as you allow this situation to occur - and affect you and your children as it does - it will continue. It is an ALERT to what is happening to you; it is quite another ALERT to realize what is happening to your children as a result of this situation continuing on -
What can you do?
Take care of yourself the best you can:
Make a decision to change how you are in this situation and :
Eat healthy
Meditate
Get support wherever you find it, including here
Exercise
Get out even for 5 minutes to five hours
However, you need to do much more than eating and excising. You need to make some difficult decisions for you and your children.
You MUST set boundaries with her son / other family members of what you will and will not CONTINUE to do. If son won't place her in a facility, then that is his responsibility. Not yours.
If you do not take control of the situation, you will continue to spiral down into the depths of depression and worse. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE.
YOU must take care of yourself, first. And you have allowed this situation to continue on for way too long now.
Counseling helps when we do something about what is going on.
Counseling doesn't magically take your stressors away - you need to do that as best you can. It starts with not allowing her in your home (or if this isn't possible, you leaving) so you can heal yourself.
Don't stuff in your anxiety, depression, overwhem with medication.
That won't help you in the long run - it numbs you out and will - perhaps - get you through a day or a week - the bottom line is you need to make decisions that are in YOUR best interest.
You have children. If not doing this for yourself, do it for them.
Think of how you are now and how that is affecting your kids.
This is a very unhealthy, toxic situation for you and your children to be in.
Gena / Touch Matters
It will take unbelievable courage and strength on your part to "break the cultural chains. Think of a black slave like Harriet Tubman, being in the south and running away from the people who "owned" her. If you are in the US, you do have a few things working in your advantage. There are doctors who can diagnose your condition (because you do have a stress condition), there are agencies who can help you find housing. You are educated and have a job so there is some income available to you. But it will take strength... your children may opt not to come with you; if they do come with you they may sulk, blaming your for the breakup of their family. Your husband may attempt to come and "retrieve" wherever you move so you may need to get a restraining order.
If you have the courage, determination and sheer grit, you can break away and at sometime in the future your daughter will come to understand why you did, but at this time, only you know how strong your are.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are faring. I wish you blessings and peace on this journey.
After thirty years in my marriage and still married, I also having ***ONE OF THOSE***
and there is still resentment and hypocrisy toward me. I was at first driven to that point where I overworked myself and excluded thinking about what mattered to me. It was always for someone else, never myself .
Recently I found out that when my MIL managed to get to the hospital before me because my husband was taken there and she listed his intake as divorced..
So really and why would she do that you would think? Because she isn’t going to change!!! So take care of yourself and stop cooking for her since she criticizes you and draw your line. Understandably there maybe be cultural obligations, but obviously that doesn’t matter to your husband or her, so why do that to yourself.
Feed the family, leave the dishes and go for a walk . Whether you please her or him or your children, you still deserve some respect and take control of your life .
Please just get some air and leave it behind . It will be there when you get back .
You shouldn't have to move from your home. Mother in law should stay with her son that's calling the shots. My heart goes out to you.
He can clean cook shower & clean up after her pees & poops ! Your DONE. You have your own children to look after she aint blood she aint NOTHING of yours! Adios & good luck you out! Take care of you take care of your babies...
Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Age and mental issues doesn't mean you have to take what's being given. Take care of yourself and your kids.
I know this sounds harsh but that is the reality. You probably are depressed as virtually anyone would be if they were constantly abused. Think of what that is doing to the long-term mental health of your kids.
Neither your husband nor his mother will change. You can seek help for your mental health, but the only real solution is to either move out or refuse to have your MIL at your house. If your husband can't see the impact this is having on you and the kids or places his cultural norms above your mental and physical health, it is time to go.
You are here for a reason and the best reason of all is to instill the meaning of freedom and to teach by example. Your children are not learning what they need to know, from you or your husband. If the old ways from a foreign country were so good, they why did they leave? Why is oppression practiced in your home? What are your children learning that they can use in their adult lives; will they accept oppression too? "Teach your children well," by Graham Nash.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQOaUnSmJr8