At 92, Mom is still mobile, although she does have dementia and is somewhat frail. We moved her after Dad passed away in late October, as the old house was just too big and in need of too many repairs. There are activities every day at the assisted living facility, but I still feel so guilty if I don't take her somewhere every day. I live close by, so this is not terribly difficult for me, but sometimes I just want to stay home and work in my yard, see friends, or clean my own house. She is not demanding, but I still feel this nagging pressure to be with her every day. Two of my siblings live out of state, and one is about an hour away, so I am the logical caregiver. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thank you!
I gradually "weaned" her from expecting me every day. It started when I had a cold, so I told her I couldn't come for a few days. Later, there was a quarantine at the AL and no visitors were allowed for several days. She started going to play bingo, and joining the exercise group in the mornings. She went on a couple of outings to see the Xmas lights, to see a play, etc. The staff got to know her and she enjoyed interacting with all of them.
Now I go an average of 3 times a week. I try to visit on one of the weekend days, because those are the slowest and it's when I take her out to eat or to visit the grandkids and great-grandkids.
I still feel a little guilty sometimes, but she doesn't have much sense of time anymore. She thinks that every day is Sunday. When I leave her, I tell her that I'll be there in a day or two. I call her every day and we have nice chats. She calls me if she needs me and knows that I am nearby, but she also is proud to have her own space with a bathroom all to herself. When she visits our home, she notices that our toilets are "low" (hard for her to get up off of them); our dining chairs don't slide easily like the ones at the AL; there are 3 steps to get up to our main living area, and those are hard for her to navigate. At the AL, she can walk all around, use the toilet unaided, and do so many things independently because the place is built to accommodate the frail and elderly people who live there. She feels so comfortable and secure there; it empowers her to do things for herself, and she feels productive and independent.
Try to let go of the guilt, Quinault. I know it's hard, but you are doing so much for your mom. She is lucky to have you nearby, but she needs to interact with more people than just you. Try to find little reasons why you can't come today, with a promise to come tomorrow or the next day. Say it with a smile and a hug, and lots of reassurance that you will never abandon her.
Then, take a day or two off. You'll feel so refreshed - you deserve it!