Since my father has been in the nursing home, we have now discovered from his doctor he will never be able to go home and live by himself. We live in a city that has no live-in nurse time program. he cannot use the at home health care for he has had many TIA's and they cannot be there all the time. So now we are forced to sell his home and everything in it-minus the items that have special memories. I am the POA, so of course all this is dumped on me which i have no problems with. I just feel so guilty for selling his things-i feel i am getting rid of his life long belongings-i feel horrible, i feel like i am betraying him. I know they are nothing he will ever use again but they were still "his". He has dementia, he knows we have to sell his home, but its my guilt that is eating me up inside. don't know how to feel. :(
It's quite likely this is harder on you than on your dad. That's frequently the case. You are seeing items that have had a place in your life as well as your dad's. You may want to take pictures of many items just for memory's sake. It the whole process is too hard, you can hire professionals who will work with you or even do it all if you'd rather not be there. Try to remember that no matter how long your dad had these things, they are things, and your dad's care now is the most important part of his life. My hear aches for you, because I know it's hard. But you'll get through it.
Carol
My BIL forced my MIL to sell everything in an estate sale and rushed her into a nursing home shortly after my FIL died. She had none of her stuff left and it was very sad. The proceeds were not much, in the end, and she really did have some nice things. Antiques aren't fetching lots these days and double beds well, no body wants. I am NOT a hoarder - the exact opposite! So I do put things into perspective about 'it is just 'stuff', after all'. But storage units are pretty cheap and if you need to buy some time before divesting of all his belongings, I see nothing wrong with that. If you need counseling to deal with guilt, then get it and once you are feeling a little more settled, begin to get rid of things.
My way of honoring their lives and their possessions was to go through everything, touch everything, know what I was dealing with, and make an informed decision item by item. If the economy had been better, I might have taken the time to try to sell some of her things but, that not being the case, I decided to offer certain things to people that had been meaningful to my mom, and they to her, so I could feel that her special and favorite things found a good home. Although I certainly did have to throw out an accumulation of a lot of unimportant things (like junque we all have), what was important to me was that items I knew she really loved, enjoyed or were important to her did not get discarded out of hand or scooped up by some impersonal clutter or removal service.
I am disabled so choosing to do this was hard work for me. I could certainly understand that due to a disability, other family needs or work pressures, this choice may not be possible for everyone. The bottom line is, you have to do what you have to do. If your elder is still alive, as mine wasn't, you may be more pressed for time than I was and other choices would be necessary. You have to console yourself in all cases that you're doing the best you can. That's all anyone should expect from you, or you should expect from yourself.
Dad knows we need to sell the house, but is not able to do it himself. He can not emotionally or logically make the decisions that are required to clean it out.
Perhaps this will help you move past the guilt. Your "job" is to take care your dad. Everything you do must be in his best interest. Currently, he NEEDS the house settled. Thus, as difficult as it is.. you MUST do this FOR him even if he doesn't understand why you are doing it. Even if he becomes sad because of it.
Sometimes parents must make painful decisions when raising their kids. This time, you must make a painful decision to take care of your dad.
All that being said, I'm going to take the chicken way out. I've rented a storage unit and I'm going to move the majority of his stuff in there for now. This way I can clean the house and sell it.
If dad should happen suddenly remember something he wants, I'll be able to say it is safe. I know I could lie to him, but I'm not that good at it (although I'm learning).
1) Be glad that your father is still alive and you don't have to be mourning his death as well as going through his possessions.
2) Take the time to savor the memories that the items bring back. Even if your father will not get the pleasure of looking at them again, he'd be happy for you to relive old times. Your emotions about the items give validation to your good family memories. Then, it's time to get rid of the things you've decided not to keep. Estate sale, auction, theater departments, charity, recycling - it all works.
3) Take pictures of everything - rooms, individual items, books, etc. I took pictures after the estate sale was set up, too. It still pains me to look at them, and I don't yet, but I like knowing I have the pictures.
4) Going through the 4 generations of things in Mom's house was truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I still think about the estate sale every day. But though it's sometimes mentally hard for me to move on (time DID help) I certainly moved on in my life. My time was not dominated by stringing the process along. In the end, it was good to get it done. Now I can concentrate on Mom instead of her things.
Good luck.
See All Answers