my husband and I have been taking care of his dad for the last two and half years. His brother relocated to Florida right before we found out dad was this ill. His brother feels we should put him in a home so we can have a life but I feel that is not the right idea. Am I wrong for feeling this way. I feel it takes a village to care for the ones you love. Yes it is difficult at times and yes we all need a break and yes he refuses to help only offer suggestions. When he did come to visit to gives us some time off is more stressful then relaxing. I am wrong for feeling angry at his brother or should I just accept the role I am in now. I ask for him to come for a weekend or couple of days and it’s always an excuse my husband just wants to keep the peace and agrees with me as well whe his brother comes and visit it’s no help. We found a day care but now say they don’t offer that service anymore and respite is a minimum two week stay
If dad has some money, use it to help you pay for respite or other care when you need a break and stop asking brother. If there's no money for this to be an option, you can continue to keep him at your home, but you'll be doing it on your own.
If FIL was his pre-cognitive declining self, do you think he would want to watch what you are going through and how it is affecting your life with your husband, and your relationship with his brother?
Do you think he would enjoy seeing his daughter-in-law struggling and burning out trying to care for him in his home and what you’ve had to give up to do so?
To put it more frankly, do you think your FIL would, if his brain were healthy, want you showering him, changing his adult diapers, clipping his toenails, picking him up when he falls, and on, and on, and on, just so he can die at home? Granted, none of these things may be happening at this moment but they very likely will.
It isn't his fault he is losing his ability too see beyond his own self. It isn’t yours either. It just IS, and it’s incredibly sad.
With the elderly, as the changes occur, more changes will be needed in who provides healthcare. But, in all honesty, if your husband's family does not want to pitch in and help, believe them. Not everyone is on the same page and can agree on, there's been a change in dad...this is what "I" think we should do.
Basically what they are saying is they want to put dad in a facility and you are saying, let's care for him at home. But, if they are not offering you a schedule of some sort to help out then they are trying to say, you own it.
I went through this in my family. I had the most wonderful childhood and two great parents. But baby sister informed me early in life, you are taking care of Mom. I never thought much about it until the day came. One brother and his wife want to travel and can't be bothered (unless they were on the receiving end) and the other brother I moved closer to since he is dependable. The one who will bring me soup if I a sick.
We have exhausted, home care, morning respite, short-term rehab, moving from a 2nd to 1st floor luxury apartment, the camera at the door, the emergency button, you name it.
I re-located to a southern State and don't regret it. "We" live in an Independent Living apartment that has Assisted Living, Memory Care, Respite, etc. I work remotely and the docs, blood lab tech, x-ray tech all come to the apartment. The Northeast (Boston area) has some of these but you have to be rich, other surrounding States do not have enough resources to accommodate the aging population. A major change needed to be made or life would continue as it was.
When mother goes, I go, basically I have to give 60 days notice but I knew that beforehand. I was getting burnt out and tired of hearing from my neighbors in the supermarket, "your brother and his wife are in Greece right now, last month they were in Ireland: etc. You get it. My sister who never helped or seldom visited because she couldn't bare to see Mom like this, is telling people I took her mother from her and headed South.
When this is all said and done you have to still be standing. I'm old-school. My grandmother lived in our family home, an Aunt who married late in life with no children and other people along the way all lived under our roof. It was just done, people took people in. People today in the U.S. want their independence and autonomy. The previous generations did things for the greater good.
You have to accept your reality and realize yes they may/will very likely leave you with all of the work. That's your decision to accept or change the game plan as the changes are needed for the safety of your loved one and for your sanity and well-being.
I try to be as honest as possible on this site. I have been in the trenches for 13 years. So hopefully I am older and wiser.
What about your parents, if they need you and you are committed to your FIL, what will you do then?
Burnout is real, I have read about burnout on this forum for several years and acknowledge it happens. My Mother is not difficult, sleeps alot, but it is happening to me now and I do not have anywhere the issues many others have to deal with.
Best of luck to you as you navigate this time.
It's nice that at least that's an option . Should your FIL's condition worsen and he becomes more totally dependent on you , which isn't "pretty", and can take a toll on your own health, you may change your mind about the "offer: your husband & BIL have made. Perhaps , if he lived not too far away-you could visit him often and it may be a lot nicer, spending quality time with him over dining, or activities , etc, than spending whats' supposed to be Your time too now , changing diapers, managing the stubbornness, anger issues, & /or allowing him some "independence: while keeping him confined., and always cleaning up after him.
People live longer now , and many in poor condition, compared to when earlier generations cared for the elderly within their own home. When their organs don't fail, their mind will, which becomes a strain on you and everyone else.
If you can let your BIL know , you appreciate the thought , (& offer?) you may want to consider it, but When you are ready .