my husband and I have been taking care of his dad for the last two and half years. His brother relocated to Florida right before we found out dad was this ill. His brother feels we should put him in a home so we can have a life but I feel that is not the right idea. Am I wrong for feeling this way. I feel it takes a village to care for the ones you love. Yes it is difficult at times and yes we all need a break and yes he refuses to help only offer suggestions. When he did come to visit to gives us some time off is more stressful then relaxing. I am wrong for feeling angry at his brother or should I just accept the role I am in now. I ask for him to come for a weekend or couple of days and it’s always an excuse my husband just wants to keep the peace and agrees with me as well whe his brother comes and visit it’s no help. We found a day care but now say they don’t offer that service anymore and respite is a minimum two week stay
At 75 I will tell you that you should never expect something out of someone else. You take what they are willing to give, but you will be much happier if you don't expect. Realize too, that because you look at something a certain way, othersvmay not. So if you are going to continue to take care of Dad, then its all on you. I hope you have his POA so you can make decisions for him.
Hire good people to help with your FIL, Your BIL has been clear that he will not be doing anything more than what he does.
This situation is only going to get worse. Believe me. I’ve been there.
What is YOUR plan for when this becomes too much for you? Do you even have a plan, or do you think you can drive your health, wellbeing, marriage, motherhood into the ground?
Your BIL is NOT your plan B.
I think you are a nice and caring person to do this for your FIL, but it’s not sustainable.
Now we have my aunt who has dementia. Aunt never had children and all of her siblings are gone. My cousin thinks like you. She doesn't want to put aunt in a facility. She told me she promised her dad she would take care of aunt. Her promise, however, meant having me as aunt's caregiver, while she overseereed.
I know she wants the best, but she felt that because she had a family, I should take it ALL on, while she helped whenever she could, which was minimal in comparison to what she expected.
I tried for a week, some weekends and knew I was in over my head. I found myself in the shower screaming my head off. I was burned out.
If you and your husband try to take this on, I commend you, but you are going to get burned out and no one is going to come to your relief, because they will feel like they've got this.
Your brother in law might seem like he's being selfish, but he's recognizing what can't be done.
My aunt is still home with care at home, but she is going to get worse and she will need more than just a caregiver. Just think about it.
It is up to you and your husband whether you continue to go on like you are . It is not your brother in law keeping you in this role .
Your brother in law is suggesting an option to you by suggesting placing his Dad in “ a home “. He is suggesting this because you are burned out .
Only you and your husband can change the situation you are in . You can not expect other’s to align with what you think is right to do and help you.
You do not have to accept the role you are in . You could place your father in law . Assisted living ( a home ) is a village with nurses, nurses aides , cook, housekeeping , maintenance , activities . Two caregivers at home is not a village. Or your other option is to have hired help come to the home to give you breaks .
I think you need to stop blaming your brother in law for the situation . You said it wasn’t helpful when he did come . So why keep thinking he should come help ?
The brother in law coming obviously isn’t the solution . At least he’s suggesting placement as a way to help you, since you are burned out . Many caregivers get grief ( from non caregiver siblings ) over placing a parent in assisted living when the caregiver is burned out and say they can not do this role any longer . Consider yourself lucky . Your brother in law has done nothing wrong .
FYI , Some states Medicaid programs will help pay for the above , but many states will only pay through Medicaid in SNF ( Skilled Nursing Facility ) , which it sounds like due to his mobility issues would probably be the level of care he would need anyway.
Some people have it in them to do caregiving some just don't, and can't do it.
3 years ago when my sister disappeared out of are little caregiving circles. I was mad, really annoyed. Now I see , she did what was best for her. It's just what she had to do. I could see the stress in her, and was trying to pick up my part to help , but she just left.
I'm thinking at the time I was actually more jealous than mad at her. Jealous because she had it in her and I didn't.
Caregiveing is rough work, physically and mentally, have you considered a facility for dad?
It may be time for your family to let go of the caregiveing duties too??
I'm wondering , how old everyone is in this, your fil, and your family. Do you have young kids?