In 1993 we got married and moved to Stockton, CA. Spent $20,000 to move only to be called back because mom got sick with cancer and was told that sister and dad couldn't help her. I was put into the position of caregiver, maid, cook and landscaper with my husband. Husband worked while I worked part-time and cared for her and did other things for the house, too. Father in-law watched tv, sister in-law was working but on her days off ran off to play and not help. Mother in-law didn’t care because she had me. We had to pay rent too ($2,000). Husband decided to move back to Stockton again and thought this would be better for us both. Yes, I was a happy camper. In 2001, I got sick, and husband thought maybe his parents would help him care for me. We moved back and once again I became maid, cook, landscaper again and they wanted to charge us rent, again. Husband put his foot down and said no way, you guys do your own cleaning, yard work and cooking then. I will pay but, my wife isn't doing it all this time. Now that parents were diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia, we are caregivers, too. Sister in-law just takes them to the doctor, and I am the caregiver and not getting paid at all to do it. Dad died in January and Mom is still refusing to let any services help her or have anyone come in to help. What to do?
Your husband decided to move and you took a role of caregiver, cook etc.
But you are not well.
It is up to your husband to find solution for his mother’s care, employ somebody else and he should take care of you.
You can't handle this all by yourselves. Call on the troops by that I mean have the primary care doc write orders for homecare and/or daily respite even it's just for one morning per week.
Streamline everything and bring in whatever services you can. Just do it don't ask their permission and tell them (Mom) you cannot continue doing this. If I understand it correctly you pay them rent (or they wanted you to pay board) but you provide all the labor for their care.
You have to get something in writing, not word of mouth. You have to secure your spot. I would contact an Elder Attorney for a free consult, a hospital social worker, Mom's primary doctor and look around for a day respite with transportation that offers physical therapy, hot meals, etc. Start out small just (4) hours per week.
Find out about Mom's healthcare and any services--meals, cleaning lady and ask your Church to visit on a Sunday. You want to be left standing when everything is said and done and you also want to make sure your loved one's are in the best possible position--health wise, safety and all of you financially.
Sometimes you drop everything and run and then when you get there you say how I am going to handle all of this. It may start out ok but then the longer it continues and things are added to the equation other decisions for the "greater good" need to be made.
I will pray for you and I hope this helps all of you. You sound like a wonderful responsible couple and that's why the others in the family are kind of sitting back thinking you will know what to do. You need to draw a line in the sand and fast...
Let her figure it out for herself, you are not well and need to take care of yourself!