Is there anyone out there besides me who wishes their mother would die? This miserable woman has lived with me for 5 years and I don't know how much more of her I can take. She is constantly trying to start an arguement with me. I don't get it. She has 3 other children who want nothing to do with her, I take her in and I get all the crap. Someone, please, just tell me you understand...all I want is a little sympathy and understanding for someone!

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I actually said it out loud for the first time just a few days ago. I too wish they would both just die. Not to be hateful, but mom and dad are just so utterly miserable. They were such vibrant and full of life people. Now they are in a race to see who can be sicker and/or more needy of my attention. They cherry-pick their meds and hide or throw away ones they don't want to take today. Dad has gotten focused on me as his girlfriend and says painfully innappropriate things to me all the time now. Mom is vicious on a good day and just pathetic-sad on the bad ones. Yeah, I get wishing they would die. My friends have all lost their parents keep telling me how lucky and blessed I am to be able to care for them and have them still. I feel my friends are lucky their parent died so quick without robbing them of all good feelings and love first. I sure don't feel lucky. Every day I tell myself I will be calm and patient and they are not my parents. It sometimes works. Try not to beat yourself up. We all go through those moments.
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My mother is a miserable, controlling, vicious, hostile, narcissist who is flailing like a rabid dog now that her enabling husband has died and her near-slave middle son has died as well. I have no shame or guilt in saying that I wish her dead as soon as possible.

She is NEVER anything but vicious, saying unspeakable things about her sister, blaming my brother's wife (not his decades of heavy smoking) for his death, and blaming me for every misery she and my father had for the last decade before his death from cancer. Even the cancer is my fault. Everyone who refuses to support her fictitious reality is a liar and "mentally sick."

She accuses absolutely everyone who comes near her house of stealing from her--when in fact, the truth almost always turns out to be that she hid things and forgot. She claims not to remember any of her misdeeds or cruelties, and concocts preposterous allegations out of thin air against the very few people who bother with her anymore. She gaslights anyone who dares to mention the horrid things she has done--it simply never happened and is a hurtful lie told to be cruel to her.

She has no friends. She allowed no friendships while my father was alive because she was convinced that every female was "after" her husband--even her sons' wives and nurses at the hospital. She has despised every partner her children have had. She wants visits from her children (and grandchildren) only, but spouses are not "allowed" in her house. She screams at her 80 y.o. sister and threatens physical violence. She abused my father while he was ill and kept him a virtual prisoner. She verbally, emotionally and physically abused me as a child, until one day, at about 15, I had enough and smacked her face and her glasses went flying and smashed and then I picked up a dining chair and smashed it on the floor. I wanted to smash it over her head. She never hit me again.

She never has anything positive to say, nothing is ever enough, and she loves to threaten to "cut off" people she is supposed to unconditionally love. Any attempt to call her on her behavior results in instant boo-hoo, poor me, blubbering--she's always the victim.

I have to keep my child away from her to keep him safe. I cannot leave her alone with my child. I caught her interrogating my child when he was a toddler, trying to get my child to say his father hurt him. Nothing could be further from the truth. She actually wanted me to *give* my child to her to raise (and she was in her late 70's and my father was practically bedridden with terminal cancer)--and this is a woman who did not bother to see me while pregnant, nor be present at her grandchild's birth. She tried to convince me how much better my life would be without the nuisance of a child (that my spouse and I planned!).

Sorry to ramble, but my mother is a waste of oxygen, brings nothing but pain and heartache to everyone, and I will rejoice and be deeply grateful if I outlive her. She has never done anything but damage to anyone in her life.

For so many, her death will be the end the pain she inflicts, and we can finally start to heal.
Helpful Answer (19)

Almost a month ago my mom 'died' on an ambulance on the way to the hospital when her heart failed. They didn't realize she was DNR, so they shocked her back to life. Yay.

I know that sounds really awful. At first, I really was happy that they had saved her life, that she was alright and stable, and she finally looked and acted alright, much more 'normal' for her stage of alz... it was a relief.. at first.... Don't get me wrong, it's not that, on some level anyway, I wasn't happy to be able to be there for her... I was. I'm glad that I'm big enough to give what my mom would never give, to anyone, for any reason... Her relatives took care of her mother in her declining years, when she had cancer and was totally blind... Mom was here in the states. I remember my grandmother fondly... Anyway, yes, I'm happy on some level that I was big enough to dig deep enough to find what it took to do what it took. I was determined that my mom would be comfortable, clean, well looked after...I tried my best the last couple years she's been really bad to do my best for her, just because she's human...


The toll.

The toll.

The toll....

OMG. I can't describe the toll this has taken on me personally, and I mean literally on all levels. Yes, I have learned some lessons on this journey that are priceless...but the price to my health, in all ways, was almost as great...

I am in a deep, black funk right now. It's just worries and worries and more worries, that never seem to stop. I do have some issues in my life worked out, but then it seems like new issues pop up...

I feel an almost desperate need to start...doing something... I really want to get further educated and start working... I feel such an intense need to do that, but.... I can't. Not now. I'm in this godawful LIMBO.. I can't make a single solitary move until I know for a fact what I'm going to have to face, possibly in the near future, concerning my mom.... Some lady called, talking insurance stuff, and my mom might have to come back home. Every single time I think about it, I shudder...

I am totally and completely enjoying this time, and no, I don't feel guilty, not one single iota. Not for that joy. I won't feel guilty about it.

I've learned that there is indeed such a thing as giving too much... Giving is good. It always will be. Maybe in RL wars it's alright to give your life for your country if you've sworn to do so ahead of time... But no one on the planet has the absolute right to every single bit of you, down to the damn marrow.

I do not owe my mom my LIFE, down to my last freaking breath. .

Sean, my son, and I had a discussion. I told him straight up that I could not, and would not, look after my mom in this house another single minute, ever again in this lifetime. I told him honestly that I just, literally, wasn't healthy enough myself, that I just couldn't even begin to imagine, that minute, trying to dredge up the damn energy to deal with my mother yet again... I want to curl into a little ball and start begging for the torture to stop.... Hers and mine..

I am drained dry in every single way there is to be drained. I did my best. I did so damn well that I feel I was, and could be still, on my way to a rather early death..

NO. The end.

Do I wish my mom would die? I've asked the One to please, please, make death happen softly for my mom, in her sleep, hopefully on some good drugs to keep her peaceful and calm, never knowing what hit her...

...but make it happen. Alz is a long, ugly slow ride into death. It's ugly, and those who deal with it get it. I'm weary to the bone of it. I feel like I could sleep for a year..

I've been surrounded by death, and pretty much isolated in this house for years, with no real contact with the vast majority of the outside world... I'm dying, too.

I've asked the higher power for two things for myself... Peace. And just a few good years of life and health, it didn't have to be that many, but.... a few good years without my mom in my life seems like a nice reward from God for a job well done...

When I was a teen I told our neighbor Sonja that I would never be free until my mom was 6 ft under. I didn't realize at the time how literal that really was going to turn out to be...

I don't hate my mom, all that mess is pretty much gone now... but... really? Her life isn't really a life anymore... So yeah, sometimes I do wish that my mom would just quietly pass... for all our sakes...
Helpful Answer (14)

for the last 6 years i have yearned to return to my own home and resume my own life but one mighty sweet and brilliant old lady had to pass away for that to happen. please dont treat your care recipient badly. if you were as ill as they are you might not be much fun to be around either. im just glad i got myself educated and made her last several months as pleasant as possible. i know they can drive ya nuts but be careful about saying things you cant take back later.
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I know how you feel. I sometimes wish i was free, but i never want my Dad to die. I know this will end eventually. I know Dad is so much happier and healthier being at home. I know I have grown in love, courage and compassion. I am a better person for having done this 24/7.
Helpful Answer (11)

My mom is sometimes like that. I will walk into the room to help her and she will tell me to shut up and leave her alone. I finally had it out with her a few days ago and explained why i was upset. She has backed off for the last 2 days and -- according to her-- does not remember anything about it. At least right now she is asleep and not yelling at me. To be honest -- who else does your mother have to yell at? As you say-- noone else wants anything to do with her. As long as i am physically able to handle it my mom will stay home because I guit my job to take care of her and I really do not have anywhere else to live. I dont get paid to take care of her but since i retired early (56) I can't afford to live and at this time I dont know if anyone would hire me. I get people saying that I am mooching off of her but really I am not. she cannot be left alone and i am cheaper then anyone else (free) who would care for her.
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No, I don't wish my mother would die until it is her time, but I do wish she would quit driving me crazy. She is never happy. There's no way to make her happy, but if I don't try to make her happy, there is something wrong with me. Come to think of it, even if I try to make her happy, I don't do it right so she's unhappy. She's a crazy person and drives me crazy. I do wish she were smarter, but I don't wish her dead.
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I see I originally posted here in August, 2013. My mother had been a mean, evil and generally nasty woman her whole life and with increasing dementia (which she'd had for years) things got even worse., screaming phone calls every day, demanding and berating at every visit and trying to get my home address ... that wasn't happening or she'd have sent the cops around.

One day there was a ministry inspector at the NH. They attend yearly and pick 3 people to ask if they have any concerns, meaning about the home or their care. Mommie Dearest said yes, I don't know where the money went from the sale of my house ... she was kept up to speed throughout the whole process. That brought the government down on my head like I was a common criminal. Of course I presented paperwork showing where the money was invested and that was the end of that

Due to all the stress I blacked out doing 85 in my truck. It only lasted a few seconds but it was a wake up call. It was many weeks before I felt confident enough to drive anywhere but the tiny nearby village. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted so she couldn't get at me any more though I continued to run her errands, filled with dread for a couple of days before and drained for a couple of days after. I have carpal tunnel and went to the doc to see about getting my hands fixed but my blood pressure was dangerously high ... go figure! I was supposed to go back for a recheck and, if it was still, high, get some meds (which I hate the thought of).

She passed on September 12, 2015. I was so happy she'd gone and a lifetime of nightmare was finally over. The palpitations and thundering stomach 24/7 quickly went away. I'm getting my life back together and I've decided to take a few months to recover. I live in the country with 2 dogs and 4 cats and will spend the next while organizing my tiny home and planning veggie gardens for spring.

I'm an only child and friends are mostly far away. I get invitations but Christmas will be just me and my beloved critters, peace and quiet, wood stove going, a nice meal and watching old movies. This Christmas is ours, free of the terror once and for all.
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I feel for everyone of you going through this. I am just in the beginning stages of having a mom who will be in need of care. At this point she IS capable of living independently but just doesn't want too. My gut tells me having her in our home would not be in any ones best interest and have been having the guilts. I am so glad I found this site because so many others have these people with halos walking around and putting down people who are not cut out for the job. Not for nothing I have enough resentment going on right now towards her as I have too much on my plate to take on her care unnecessarily which she is WELL aware of. This site gives me the strength to trust my gut and look for other options. No one deserves to endure what you do. I had no idea so many people were living in these unbearable situations. I'll be putting this issue in my daily prayers. May you all find peace & respite.
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I understand perfectly. They direct all the vitriol from their unhappy and sad circumstances (old age) onto those they love or closest to them, or taking care of them and looking after their interests. It's thankless for sure. My mom takes out all her frustrations on me while being kind and friendly or bragging on a neighbor or store clerk or doctor and how great they are and all they do for her....I've had other friends say the same about their elder...taking all the crap, while non-relations are praised.

Yes it hurts.

My mom won't accept any help, assistance but calls me for every issue as if I should resolve all the big stuff because I'm her daughter. I get all the grief and anger and others or my brother who has nothing to do with her or even a phone call is praised or excused.

We both wish it were over. She's terribly unhappy, lonely and unwilling to change her circumstances. I often envy when someone tells me their parent has passed. I honestly pray for that release for my mom and our family. I know she is ready to go as well.
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