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Why do I feel so resistant to the needs of my elderly mother as a caregiver? Ever since my stepfather passed away my mother has come to rely on me and my husband more than I would like. I wish I did not feel this way considering I always enjoyed tending to the needs of my children. I am a empty nester now and love my freedom and independence. The thought of taking on the responsibility of my mother at this stage of my life makes me feel I am losing the life I wanted when my children became adults. I am not resistent to helping her, just to becoming her caregiver. She has a very emotionally needy codependent personality.

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Do. Not. Become. Her. Caregiver. Under any circumstances if you have other options. We moved my mom (94 & well down Dementia Lane) in with us, and it was a disaster on so many levels. This was WITH 7:00 a.m. - 7:00 p.m. outside care!

Though I love her dearly and was caring for her in her home 4 days a week, I was starting to resent her. Yes, I KNOW it is the disease, but I felt WHY should I give up my life? For so long I had looked forward to the time in our lives when we would be empty nesters and we could start to enjoy life as a couple. Like my parents did at this same stage. And HER mother was placed in a NH because of dementia....my mother only gave her mother 1 afternoon a week -- 2-3 hours for her visit -- for whatever her reasons were. Yet, somehow I felt obligated to give up my life because of her needs.

After 2 months of no sleep, we put her in Assisted Living. We pay for a personal aide for her, 15 hours a week; and we visit 2x/week though we all work full time. My siblings and I still have lingering bouts of guilt. However, we have our lives back, I have my marriage back, and my mom knows (again) that I am her daughter (instead of her sister, which is what she thought for 2 years).

This forum and a local caregiver support group gave me the strength to realize it is OK for me to have a life and goals and dreams for me. I can't be everything for everybody. By placing my mom in AL, she is cared for far better than I could ever care for her. And I can be her daughter again....which is exactly what she needs from me and (I believe) what God wants me to be.
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Don't feel guilty. Caring for very old seniors is a hard job and it is 24/7 and more the older they get. You already have a 24/7 job with your children. When you look at it this way - there is some place where you know your parents will receive the best of care and have friends vs reducing the time your children need to care for them, you, as a parent, must put children first. My sister and I are seniors. Our mother is 100. We moved her from her home into independent living when she was 90. Why? Because although she was a wonderful mother she has never had any interests or friends and although she claims to be independent, she is NOT! She always lived through us, making us responsible for her social life, her interests, her happiness and plays the helpless little girl whenever things go wrong so we fix every problem, many of which she caused (that's the generation thing - women were mostly raised that way 100 years ago - depend on a big strong man or play helpless). That is a big responsibility and it gets bigger the older they get. Her total dependence on us amusing her, her constant complaining anyway, etc was killing our marriages and our lives. Yes, she complained bitterly about IL, but she made friends and finally had a routine and things to look forward to that did not come from us. Still, I did her laundry, her shopping, took her to doctors, cleaned up, etc. Although she still has pretty good health, her dementia got so bad we had to move her to AL this year. Now, she has incontinence issues, can't work her hearing aids, forgets things in five minutes, won't eat, wears dirty clothes, won't shower and is completely uncooperative. No, I do not feel guilty she is in AL where professionals can be of more help than I can be with health issues of my own. They are on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and we can't do that. Don't feel guilty - you are already doing that as a mom. Of course Mom complains, but my sister and I are not equipped with either the patience or skills or experience to deal with her 24/7 and eventually you won't be either. Actually, Mom is pretty happy there, has friends and people are so kind and attentive that we know she is getting better, more patient care than we could give her.
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It's so hard to know what is the right thing to do. Especially figure out the right thing to do for"whom"? My mom is in the moderate stages of dementia and cannot be left alone. She is very forgetful, from one second to the next. Her physical health is good but not her mind. My sister and I take weekly turns caring for her. But I'm starting to feel depressed, missing my husband and home. We have a room setup for her when we built our new home but she just doesn't want to come with us. Both her son-in-laws love her dearly, and are very supportive of our current arrangements. I just feel that we have more to offer her in our homes (safety and interaction) then in hers. We cannot afford to bring I 24/7 care and cannot afford to place her I an assistant living. But in reading some of your stories and advices we may have to consider some sort of facility for the near future. I would be willing to give her stay with us a chance but as I said before I can't even get her to stay the weekend. However, I surely don't want this illness to take control of my own life. Thank you and please continue to post your experiences, they truly help know we're not alone. Glo'
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The painful truth is that there is NO solution that won't alter your relationship in some way--whether you place your beloved parent in a home, try to take care of him or her or them in yours, or in theirs. Such is the nature of dying that grief, anger, rage, displacement and loss are parts of this whole experience. There are NO easy answers, and sometimes, there are no answers that work at all.
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You picked a good time to ask. You asked Why, because you Know where this is heading. Learn from what this community is saying. Try the suggestions. (Senior center, hired help, assisted living, etc.) Read all you can about your choices. Remember how great it felt when your child learned to use the potty? It's step toward the child's independence and yours. Just when Your time came it was taken away without your permission. I feel for you. Hang in there.
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Other than a health care professional who specializes in elder care, why would anyone wish to voluntarily engage in such a tedious, unappreciated and never ending job such as this? It has nothing to do with how much you may love your parents or what kind of person you are.
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Why you don't want to be Mom's caregiver? Because you're SANE! That's why.
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@LadyBelle just know that any decision you make is the best choice. your parents are cared for and you have to be a mother to your own children and then you also have to take care of your well being. sometimes you have to make decisions you naturally feel guilty about know that everything will/is working out for the best.
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When I started this discussion, I never dreamed the amount of understanding responses and so many in a situation that I am dreading. Most of our parents generation never had to face this situation. Modern medicine and maintenance medications are keeping seniors living longer, but at the expense of developing dementia and alzheimer due to brain deterioration of longevity. The caregivers, due to the stress of caring for our elderly parents, will not live as long. Until their is a cure for dementia and alzheimer, modern medicine needs to take a back seat when it comes to quality of life!
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I struggle with this too. My mom has begged to move in with me. It would be her AND my 94 year old father, both at some stage of dementia. My first obligation is to be a good mother to my two young children. So my parents are in asssted living. They hate it, but they are cared for. I check on them, make sure needs are met. But I still feel guilty.
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I agree with some thoughts, used2bhapi. If I knew what was ahead, I am not sure that I would have done things the same. I get a little financial help from siblings and little to no help with daily things. I didn't know that it would be mostly up to me when mom got sick. I suppose I am happy that I could be there for mom when she needed it and I hope that my kids would step up for me if I needed care too. It is a difficult road with periods of guilt, resentment and frustration. When it is all over, I hope I have some good conclusive thoughts about it all. Right now, it's just moment to moment, day to day.
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If I had it all to do over, I would not do it! Took mom in our home 9yrs ago, my daughter is now 10, and knows nothing other than I am grannies nurse, which by the way, I never wanted to get into nursing, or I would have attended nursing school 30 years ago! I have five siblings, all of which have grown children (25-35), and they refuse to help! As a matter of fact three are in the same state (two here in town), two out of state and she doesn't get visitors, cards or phone calls. Mom has many brothers & sisters that don't call or send cards either! Mom said they all hate me, that's fine, I've kept her alive nine extra years all alone!
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It is truly a slippery slope. I am an only child - my brother died years ago. I thought I was doing the right thing - taking my parents into my home and helping them as they began to have problems living on their own. It started as a pretty positive experience. My mom and I were close and my dad was tolerable on good days. After three years, the situation is abysmal. I am moving them into assistant living in a few weeks - it has taken months to make this happen.
If I had known what I know now, I would have never moved my parents into my home. It has been the most draining experience of my life. I have gone through a divorce after 30 years of marriage, worked 80 hours a week at jobs, and buried a brother, and in-laws. Nothing in my life prepared me for this. I thought I was a true survivor, but there were many times that I thought I might not make it through the day. Don't feel guilty - do what is best for everyone - and everyone does include you.
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SandyA62, I did the same for over 2 years, except I didn't have a job to quit - I had a husband who was on me to GET a job so we could plan for our own retirement, and of course I couldn't because Mom's needs were so many. She was finally placed in a nursing home in March, and I can not begin to tell you the amount of stress that has been lifted. I am still job-hunting, but at least I don't have the loony-bin on speed-dial anymore. ;)
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You are all so right. I have been doing it in my home with my mother for 2 years now, no help or cioncern friom siblings. I am miserable and my husband and I are suffering from it. I had to quit my job and she seems thankless.
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Debralee, my narcissistic mother actually did disown me and my kids. Even though we were physically free of her, she had already done much physcological damage to all of us. Last week the kids and I met up in their town and talked about mom/grandma so I could update them about the legal mess she left after her death. We still resent her, think she was a fool, are embarrassed of her actions and mostly just shake our heads.
Maybe it's time to just cut your losses and walk away. I agree with the way emjo is handling her mom. If a relationship is 99% negative, is that 1% worth all the misery? As some of us know, our moms are not mothers.
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correction - which I WILL NOT allow meaning I will not allow myself to become completely engulfed. :)
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Debralee - accept that she is sick. No more than a paralysed person can walk can your mum - or mine - change their ways significantly. BPD and narcissists typically pick on one family member to be their servant. My mother does not ask as much of my sister as she does of me. Why? Because my sister wouldn't do it. You have responded to some of your mum's requests. You give a narcissist an inch - they take a mile. Yes, she is using you and does not have feelings for you as a "normal" mum would. I have a book about daughters of narcissistic mothers about "Will we ever be good enough" You know the answer is "no" as far as our mothers are concerned. So if you need to detach from your mother further than you are now, do that. It sounds like she has all the resources she needs to care for herself. If you make yourself unavailable, she will find someone else. She will jump the boundaries and it is up to you to put them back in place again. I am strengthening my boundaries all the time - withdrawing more and more. I haven't visited my mother in a year. I was going to at Christmas but she got so nasty I didn't go. and stopped answering emails for a few months. Now she is back making demands again, and I am not responding much.
Is it tiresome having to reinforce boundaries all the time? Yes it is. Do I wish it were different. Yes, I do. But, it is what it is and I have to deal with it or become completely engulfed which I allow.

If you need a break - take one. I find I have to periodically. Do what you have to do for you. ((((hugs))))) Joan
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I am at the realization that I don't even want to be around her. I have limited my calls and visits substantially. My feelings go from anger to hatred towards her. Wish she would disown me at times. Why does she have to bother me only with her problems? Why can't she dole out her burdens evenly amongst my sisters? Why can't she stop being so selfish for once in her life and be considerate to me like she is to my sisters? Why?????????? BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T SEE ME AS A DAUGHTER ONLY A MEANS FOR HER SALVATION AND HAPPINESS TO HER LIFE AND ALWAYS HAS! There, now I feel better, I vented. Now what to do what, what do I do?
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You don't want to be her caregiver because nobody in their right mind wants to spend time they will never get back taking care of someone who is only going to get worse. DO NOT pay for all the expenses so she can give away her assets after death. You have no idea how that will end. Make sure you present her with a monthly bill for services. If she won't pay it, she can leave.
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Well, Debralee now that I have more information it is clearly YOUR decision what you want to do. Tell your mother your feelings and see what she says. She cannot make you do something you do not want to do.
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Ferris is usually the voice of reason! Your mother is asking you to shoulder an unfair portion of her care. Say no.
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Can you afford Long Term Care Insurance for your mother? Or look into caregiving agencies. Any help will help. You will need it trust me.
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Not only will I not get an inheritance, I don't get help with financial obligations I have now. I had planned to sell my home and use the money to travel. Then Mom moved in without an invite. She has a good income but doesn't help with anything.
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Ferris she wants me to take over the responsibility to take care of her when she can no longer independently and move into my home. She wants to leave a substantial inheritence to me and three other siblings and not use her assets on her care. In other words I take on all the responsibility of her care, the other three can sit back and wait and then her probated assets are split four ways. She choose me because I am the most dependable and convenient to meet her needs and assumed I would go along with this outrageous idiology of hers. She will not even consider any other options. She feels she should not have to use her hard earned assets to pay for her care. That would be fine if she did not expect me to shoulder the entire responsibilty caring for her. I am not even her favorite child,just the most compassionate. What is even more hurtful is that she would never consider burdening the other three. The crazy thing about this whole situation is the only one interested in the inheritence is my stepsister. My two biological sisters could care less. This is the main reason I do not want to be my mother's caregiver. It is nothing but blood money and a hostage usage to an inheritence. There is many other family dynamics, but the is the main crux of the situation.
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It seems to me no one is addressing Debralee's question and FedUpNow needs to ask another question of her own. Debralee, why do you feel like you do not want to take care of your mother? There are too many answers to that question, but the most important one is if YOU feel that way, then it is okay.
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Yes, I know how you feel. My mother has been declining for years and at 96 she is totally helpless. It has been a burden. I love my mother and I take care of her weekends and during the week for shopping for food medication refills , doctor appts etc. She usually sleeps during the day, most of the time up during the night. My brother manages her finances and says I now have to spend more days there. Of course when I indicated I could not he says I don't care about my mother. He lives in California. He says she has her home and 2500.00 a month income. She has been under Hospice care almost a year, but Hospice says she can only stay there if death is eminent. The guilt in over powering.
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FedUp, good for you!!! You should never have to put up with being hit, even by a demented MIL. Nor should your cats be abused. I don't know how you've put up with it this long. Now your husband has to endure this fiasco, let's see how long that lasts. Enjoy your new space with your kitties. I'm so glad you are seeking peace and solace and you recognize that you have had enough and you must remove yourself for your sanity and physical well being.
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FedUpNow, I'm so glad you and your cats are out of the house. You deserve to have somewhere safe to lick your wounds.
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Fed up now, I'm sorry that you took offense. I understand that you are in an abusive, untenable situation. You have a mentally ill person in your home who needs a higher level of care than is available in an in home setting. I don't know where you live. I do know that the police departments in ny have been useful to my family in getting an abusive elder into proper care. Please don't assume that I'm giving this advice in a vacuum.
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