Why do I feel so resistant to the needs of my elderly mother as a caregiver? Ever since my stepfather passed away my mother has come to rely on me and my husband more than I would like. I wish I did not feel this way considering I always enjoyed tending to the needs of my children. I am a empty nester now and love my freedom and independence. The thought of taking on the responsibility of my mother at this stage of my life makes me feel I am losing the life I wanted when my children became adults. I am not resistent to helping her, just to becoming her caregiver. She has a very emotionally needy codependent personality.
between us-just the opposite. Sometimes we need to follow our heads and not our hearts. If a person knows that being a caregiver is not for them, who are we to judge? Hats off to those who made (or are making) it through without a problem. A lot of us is not so lucky.
DON'T DO IT!!!!!
I didn't want to be caregiver nor do I want to be guardian. This site has given me courage and knowledge not to take on that responsibility.
Don't feel guilty. You may have many reasons not to:
1. No matter where your mom's physical, mental and financial wellbeing is today -- you can be assured it wont stay this way and her needs WILL BECOME INCREASINGLY COMPLEX requiring increased care-time, increased skill set, etc. Realize you may not be up to the task and likely will not be able to do this even part-time for long.
2. Your parent will never be receptive to care from an outsider; so delaying it by "stepping in" in the meantime isn't going to be any easier later and you "stepping back out" will be much harder later than doing so upfront.
3. All those (neighbors, friends, family) saying they will help out -- is highly unlikely; and their support will dwindle over time...
4. Things change quickly; which means your mom's needs will increase and need for skilled care will increase; her personal needs (companionship, etc.) will increase and you will increasingly lose more of yourself to meeting her needs than yours.
5. Even if you get her in-home care, place her in AL, Memory care facility, etc. -- you will still devote plenty of time to managing finances, managing these caregivers to some extent.
6. Realize that placing her in proper care such as AL, memory care, etc. will be best where she is in a safe, healthy, skilled care environment, with great activities, companionship, new friendships, etc. that will keep her from isolation. -- BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SPEND REAL QUALITY time with your mom without all the distractions and frustration of her day to day care.
Don't do it! For all of you who want to be caregivers, have good relationships with your loved one and have the time and skills to do so; you are saints. Some of you have no other choice, and many hugs to you for stepping up to do so.
You have to make the individual decision for you and your well being -- including your family's. Think about it very carefully before you enter into this very demanding position.
Good luck and let us know what happens.
It is all part of the cumulative pain that resides here on Aging Care.
Now, when I read mean comments or criticism of someone who is in pain, I see the Big Picture. It helps to step away, but obviously some of you cannot at this moment.
I urge everyone, no matter what your circumstance, to ask for help, even if you think there is none. Remember the verse: "There but for the Grace of God go I."
Please do not condemn each other for that which you have not experienced. On the other hand, those who do attack and criticize, we must have compassion for them, as well. Caregiving is mostly sad, unfair, and hard on us. It is full of lessons that we have come this far to learn. I feel for all hurting caregivers. Bless you All.
When judging, which is not our right, comes off as arrogant and mean it only makes the judge lose all credibility. Opinions are fine, judging is not.
An elderly parent with dementia - can last for years. Mom got diagnosed in her early 50's. I was age 23 when she was diagnosed. I am now age 47 and still caregiving her and now my father - both are bedridden. Let's just say that we grew up in a very dysfunctional family. If I had not found God at age 22, I would have done what all my 7 siblings did - leave home and not look back. I have been punched on my face/head by my father (not dementia), attacked by mom (dementia) and put up a lot of stuff. Mom stopped walking - became bedridden. When you have a bedridden and your 7 siblings refuse to help, then you have NO vacation anymore. NO dinner outs, NO partied, NO Anything! Because you have no babysitters. It got so bad, I became seriously suicidal last year. I spent half my life caregiving and saw no end to it. So, I was going to end my life - if that was the only way out of this prison. Fortunately, I found this site and got help.
Debralee - I strongly recommend that you do NOT bring your mom home. There are soooo many options to try before that comes up. I so hope you find an alternative!
I honestly don't believe our parents have any clue the burden that caregiving places on their children. Back in the day when they were younger, women stayed home with the children & never worked outside of the home...it wasn't as much of an issue. These days we can't afford to stay at home forever - we have our own retirements to fund. Caregiving also completely changes the dynamic of the parent/child relationship - almost reverses it, to be honest. I find myself treating my mother more & more like a child, and I see her acting more and more like one...it's a vicious cycle that I am trying very hard to break, but it's not easy. My mother has lately dropped the "pleases" and "thank yous" - More & more I'm hearing "get me my pills" "come take my plate to the sink", etc. (I am ready to blow a gasket...but that's another topic! ha!). You are correct in worrying about medicaid in her future...the pensions alone disqualify her or at the very least she will have a huge share of cost to pay each month.
I think you being honest with your feelings is good, but don't beat yourself up for no reason at all. Many care givers can do this with different perspectives although we still continue to have our moments of frustration. That is normal. I guess I look at my situation in a way that this is temporary, and even though we've been together 18yrs. of marriage, and yes sometimes I wonder if it will ever be the same; I still find it easy to give back to him all the love he's given me over all these yrs.
Debralee; you will do the best for both you and your mom. If she goes into a nursing care facility, she may enjoy it, and get connected with other people there. I use to go visit 3 times a week at our local nursing home yrs. ago, and got to know some of the residents real good. They love visitors, and I was always more blessed when I left. God understands, and wants you to know He'll help you with all of this. Just lean on Him. He's got some pretty big shoulders. ysic, southernyankee