Caregivers and my moms decline.
My mom became an extreme fall risk a few yrs ago. Overnight she lost all balance and started falling constantly. She uses a walker now and is able to get up by herself use the bathroom but she needs help showering, dressing and meal preparation. She wants to stay in her home so I hired caregivers to help her from 9 till 5. The issue is my mom has turned into the Queen of Sheba. When I’m with her she’s wants me to do everything for her. I say geez mom, you can get up and get it yourself. She’s declining even more rapidly because she doesn’t move, just snaps her fingers at the caregivers. Her doctor tells her it’s muscle atrophy and she needs to move. Her health is overall good otherwise. I sent the caregivers a message that they need to back off a little and make my mom do things she’s able to do. They’re like Cinderellas. My husband said it’s not their fault it’s my moms. He said it won’t change. I feel like telling the caregivers that when my mom becomes wheelchair bound and bedridden you will lose this job. She can’t afford a live in so she will need to go into a nursing home. She’s paying 9k a month now and it would increase to almost 20k.
I didn’t realize caregivers would contribute to my mom’s physical decline.
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Understand this, too: She WILL likely end up in a wheelchair at some point regardless of what she does. Should you be blamed for not preventing it? That makes as much sense as blaming the caregivers.
It was a tough day when I realized that she *really couldn't* do her PT exercises by herself, at home. She wasn't "faking" it in order to be waited on. She was justifiably scared of falling. In a rehab facility, where there are multiple able-bodied therapists and assistants to oversee and keep someone safe from falling - or at least as safe as an elderly, frail person ever can be - it's less scary to do those exercises. But at home, on your own, or just a family member nearby for "morale support"? I think it's an entirely different mindset.
At 56 I find myself much less willing to do things I might have done even only 10 years age. We went to the Carribean in the winter - my DH, me and our 2 kids - and I could not bring myself to jump off the side of a catamaran (a whopping 4 feet) into a perfectly calm ocean. In my thirties? I would have made that leap without a second thought! But life experiences, while usually helpful for making judgement calls, sometimes makes you hesitate doing things you USED to be able to do because now you might have a few falls under your belt or a few injuries you've had to rehab from, you might have a few chronic nagging aches and pains you don't want to aggravate- well, you get the picture.
If your mom has had some falls in the past, I can well see why she's leery about walking around too much and risking another one. At the end, my mom was falling every other day, it seemed, and the more she fell, the less she was willing to walk around on her own, and I can't say as I blamed her.
And insofar as the caregivers "contributing" to her physical decline- well, if I was a caregiver for someone who was a fall risk, I think I would be doing the same thing as the ones who are working for your mom and try and mitigate that risk as much as I could. And the best way to mitigate the risk of an elderly person falling is to keep them from getting up and moving around. It's why people who are admitted to the hospital are encouraged to NOT get out of their beds and move around too much - to reduce the fall risks.
It's age that's contributing to mom's decline, not the caregivers.
If your Mom was in her 90s I would say that the one thing that gives out is the legs. There was a retired Cop in town you would see him walking up and down the highway. Then it just became around a big block. Then very little. He asked his DIL do think its my age thats the problem. He was 98 and lived to be 104.
I would have Mom evaluated. Ask her doctor to give her an order for in home physical therapist. Talk to the therapist before the first session and tell them what you feel Mom could do and what she doesn't do. Once you know what the therapist says Mom can do, then u will know if she needs Caregivers 8 hrs a day.
Do not make the Caregivers feel its their fault. They work for Mom so they do whats asked of them. What you might want to do is have a sit down talk with Mom once u have the therapists report. If it shows she is capable of more than she is doing u sit right in front of her and have her look u in the eye. Then you tell her, ur are capable of X, Y, Z. You need to start doing or you will end up in a wheelchair. When that happens, I refuse to take you anywhere. You will not be able to remain in ur home at that point because will then be 24/7 care. The cost of aides will be out of what you or I can afford so u WILL go into a NH because I refuse to do that kind of care. Then you leave it at that. When it happens, you can say "I told you".
I oversee a disabled nephew who has been told this exact thing. He has gotten so heavy there is no way I will be able to get him to appts. I have told him I will not be his Caregiver so if it gets where he needs care he will go into a NH. Actually, I think he would like it. Gets 3 meals a day. Laundry done for him. Some socialization.
my mom got c diff and that was life changing for her. Had a hospital stay , onto rehab.. I’d call and ask her if she was sitting up eating her meal.. yes , she said.. uh no, she was in the hospital bed.. quote the dr said to take it easy, so she took it easy in rehab where they were going to kick her out for not participating.
Overtime I became the caregiver , not daughter.. nagging got no where…
maybe.
you’re right of course, that by them doing things she can do herself, she loses muscle, abilities. “use it, or lose it”.
at the same time, keep in mind, all the crises/emergencies/disasters the caregivers probably prevented just by being there. it hasn’t all been in vain, having caregivers.
i told my LO’s caregivers too, to force my LO to do certain things. “use it, or lose it”. luckily, the caregivers listen to me. they do as i suggest.
The bottom line is, when your mother's money runs out and she can no longer afford to age in place at home as she's doing now, she'll go into a wheelchair and be moved into Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid. Let her know that......that it's up to her how this plays out, to some degree at least.
When old age and infirmity set in, we can blame whoever we'd like for the decline in our loved ones. But it's the human body and mind breaking down that's truly to blame. When my mother refused PT and her balance issues intensified, she knew she'd go into a wheelchair and she did. It wasn't the end of her life, either, just the start of a different one. She had to move from AL into Memory Care, and the decline was sad to watch. And it continued for nearly 3 years before she passed. Had she accepted pt, she may have warded off the wheelchair for 6 more months, Idk.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
My father in law is like that and can barely walk again. He was walking better after many weeks of physical therapy. We’ve gone through this a number of times with him getting PT then declining again . He’s lazy . He doesn’t listen when he is told to get up and walk more each day to maintain the progress he made . He’s in assisted living.
If I was a paid caregiver and got blamed for your mother’s very common decline , or was threatened with losing my job, I would not trust you to come up with other things to blame me for . I would quit .