What do you do when the caregivers are being verbally and emotionally attacked?

Grammyteacher,

Thank you for the great advice! I am learning how to walk away or to not speak with her when she is in one of her rants. My nature is to argue back and to last as long as they do! This is helping no one, and I'm getting tired of staying so upset and having panic attacks! It still drives me up the wall though when I do walk away, go to our room and lock the door. All the while she's pounding on the door and not going away until I open the door and yell at her!

I need to figure out a solution to that issue.

I did laugh at the story lol. Such a bright and wise young little boy he was back then!

Bookworm50, I *almost* know exactly what you are going through. I have not had to live with my mom and she is currently in a nursing home. However, nothing you tell her is right, she wants you to fix everything for her, she doesn't understand that the aides and nurses have other patients, and if you aren't doing something for her at that moment, then you shouldn't be doing whatever you are doing. She resents me for having to work. Can you imagine? Yet at the same time, I give her spending money, buy her clothes, buy her the depends she prefers, baby wipes, etc. It is unreal.

She is on depression meds and just saw the psychiatrist Saturday. Yesterday, she wants to see the doctor again because she isn't instantly better. She has yelled at everyone in the nursing home and continuously calls it a dump. She is a bully to her roommate and others. She has called the aides racist slurs. She calls the nurse on the night shift fat. She then calls me and thinks I should be able to fix everything for her and it is all my fault that she is in there. Meanwhile, she doesn't listen to a word I say and tells me I am wrong about everything. My uncle came and picked up her laundry because I told her I wouldn't be there this weekend. He did it and dropped it off to her yesterday. He told her he had to go and was double parked. She looked out the window to check and said he wasn't. I am sure he said that just so he didn't have to visit because she is so mean. When I told her it was nice of him to do her laundry and she should thank him, she said, oh his wife did it. I said, okay, but that is still nice. She said, it wasn't that much laundry. Lord almighty.

It is soooo difficult but somehow you have to detach emotionally from her. This way when she says mean things, it just rolls off your back. However, I have been trying to do that myself for the past year and I haven't been successful. Just know that there are a whole lot of others out here in the same boat as you and you are doing the best you can.

Grammy, your grandson had a good technique. Truth often works best. It's like we get so used to absorbing pain from our elders and skirting around the truth. We feel the truth is disrespectful. That gives so much power to an elder who is still in possession of some of their senses. I believe that honesty is the best first thing to try even if it will hurt feelings for a short time. There's nothing wrong with telling a parent that things are not working out, that everyone is miserable and changes need to be made. If said right, then the elder is also in the circle of people who will benefit from the change.

I do have to say that this won't work if an elder has no reasoning ability or is a hellcat by nature.

It is so incredibly difficult but if you learn techniques to defuse your mom's anger, you can do it. As a teacher, I have worked with children with what I call escalating personalities. I found that the first rule was never let them know you are frustrated. Stay calm, at least on the outside, and state what needs to happen. Then walk away from the situation.

A funny story to give you laugh.... Once, my mom was being tough. She was not really aware much but would say mean things. She told my little grandson, 2 at the time, "get out of my house!" At that time we had moved her to our house (we lived with her and my stepdad for over a long time before moving her...long story). This sweet grandson has always loved her and teaches us how to handle her. He said in a sweet voice with a smile on his face, " this is not you's house, this is Grammy and Papa's house...you's house is with Grandpa." He was just matter of fact. She smiled and said okay. Ha ha ha so funny and cute! Out of the mouth of babes.

Grammyteacher,

Thank you for your suggestions. I will look into them either tonight or in the morning. I did not know we were going to become caregivers. No one told us that Mom had Alzheimer's. The first nursing home said Mom was mentally able to care for herself, she could walk with some assistance, and she would improve over time. I and hubby thought we were there to give her a hand and do things that at that time she was too weak to do. It wasn't until we got home with her that we realized that Mom was not healthy physically or mentally. If Mark and I had of known that she needed more care than what we were qualified or able to give her, We would have made a completely different decision.

JessieBelle

OMGosh I am truly not alone! There are those that are going through the same thing as I am and get it! I could just cry. My Mom is so mean and cruel and says the most awful things to us all. My mom can't see that she too is the instigator. In your message " She gets mad at me for not acting totally subservient." that is my Mom in a nut shell. I hate to say this but I wish Mark and I had never given up on our home just so she wouldn't lose hers. I should have let the nursing home or AL take care of her so that I could just be a daughter. Yes, she would have lost her home that is paid off. But I just wish we were back in our home. It's so true....you never miss something until it's gone. Everything we had is gone. While Mom sits here and tells us constantly this is her home and she wants it to be like such and such. I tell mom, yes you own this home but you have invited Mark and me in. Along with Brittany, our grand daughter, and her fiance. We all pay the bills equally. We don't have Mom pay for groceries as it doesn't seem right. We're going to cook anyway and Mom eats like a bird. Our name is on the lease. So I feel like We have a right to ask her to quit invading our privacy and respect that we can agree to disagree and move on. But the rantings are just getting so out of control.

Thank you for sharing about your Mom and your relationship. It's helped a lot. How is your day/evening going? Is it a good day or a bad day?

What I did was to learn new strategies to work with my mom. Saying no only agitates the person with demensia. Look at the techniques taught be Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. Never argue, it will get you no where. Demensia damages the brain, and you can't expect a damaged brain to change it learn... You must be the one to change. It is tough and not everyone can handle being a caregiver for a person with demensia, but if you make the choice to do this, you need to learn how to react with patience. One last thing, Alzheimer's has stages... Each stage has it's own issues and behaviors...but this too shall pass and something new will surface. Remember her condition will continue to get worse and the level of care needed will continue to increase. You will have little time to yourself. If you are unable to meet her needs now, you may want to start looking at placement options.

Bookworm, my mother is very self centered. The only thing I can do if she gets nasty is walk away. My mother has dementia, though she doesn't recognize it. This causes all kinds of problems itself. Quite often she'll ask me for something I know she doesn't need, like a strong laxative or an extra pill. If I say she doesn't need it or there isn't extras, she come into my room and start yelling and slamming things. I've grown a backbone since being here and keep telling her to leave my room until she goes. Standing right back up to her is the thing that works. She goes away mad, but at least she goes away.

When she starts telling me how difficult I am, I have started to tell her that it isn't me, it is her. She can't see that she is the instigator. She gets mad at me for not acting totally subservient. Usually I walk away, but there are times when I have to back her down or I wouldn't be able to stay.

It can be a problem when we move into their homes, since they want total control. They see us as willful teenagers even when we are getting Medicare. It's really silly if you think about it. One thing I wondered is if your daughter and grandchild would be able to afford their own place so they could get away from her at least part of the time. You could keep the grandchild as your daughter worked, then she could come get her and take her home. That would take some of the pressure off, but I don't know if it is doable.

I don't envy you at all. When mama's not happy, ain't nobody happy. And if mama's unhappy all the time it is a recipe for misery.

pamzimmrrt,

I agree with you, I should have gone to them and straight up asked. I guess I was just so hurt by my Mom thinking that that's what she thought I would do! That I solely focused on it and the hurt of her believing it.

Have you asked the other caregivers, who are telling her you are after her house and money,, straight up.. about what she says they said? You may be surprised, and they may be surprised! She very well could be making this up, and they may well be shocked as well. I might try this tactic first. And I would have been all over that right away!

BarbBrooklyn,

My mom is on depression meds. Yes, you're right I can leave the room. The only thing is she follows me to our room and sits there beating on the door. Where am I supposed to go? The room is only so big.

No is not a word she will accept. As stated "what happened in the nursing home when they told her no and that she'd have to wait." No matter how soft I say it. Telling her no sends her off on a tangent. The last part of your message

"But don't expect a mentally ill, demented senior to become considerate and understanding.

That's why the heading of my message said

"What do you do when the caregivers are being verbally and emotionally attacked?

I just wanted to ask and know what others have tried and if they were successful. I have tried talking more softly, trying to distract her and change the subject, I have walked away and went to our room. That's why I came to this forum. I am running out of ideas.

She has several referrals that she will get on her Dr's visit this week. One of them being a geriatric psychiatrist.

Bookworm, all of us *have* been in these situations in which our elderly demented parents get agitated by change in routine. No one is reprimanding
you.

Your mother needs meds for anxiety, agitation and depression. Talk to her doctor or get her to a geriatric psychiatrist.

When the person you are giving care to is attacking you, you can leave the room. You can say " mother, I'm so sorry you feel that way!"and perhaps try to distract her. If she is demanding something unreasonably, you can say " no, not now".

But don't expect a mentally ill, demented senior to become considerate and understanding.

Bookworm, can you give a bit of information regarding your mom's condition? Does she have any demensia? Or is it just physical disabilities? My mom has Alzheimer's and she went through a stage where she was quite mean. It is difficult to deal with. She said mean and hurtful things. Even knowing that it is due to the disease damaging her brain, it still hurts. I had to learn strategies to communicate with her without agitating. Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil both have great information on techniques to use. I suggest you look on YouTube or  in the library. Over time my husband and I have developed ways to better deal with these behaviors. My mom also developed a sailor's mouth...it was shocking at first, but pretty soon you just ignore it. My 13 year old grandson said one day, "how come grandma can't remember her own name but she knows all the cuss words!"

I want to say thank you to everyone who replied. We can agree to disagree. But I did not come here to be judged or reprimanded. I simply, simply wanted to know "What do you do when the caregivers are being verbally and emotionally attacked?

I am sure that when all of us are sharing our stories we are trying our best to condense our post. I gave situations that I thought would be helpful in telling my story. Moms Dr's have all said that Mom is capable of being alone for a period of time.

Countrymouse you said "She didn't throw that scene to be selfish or dramatic; the disruption to routine did, as you say, agitate her. She can't cope."

Well, she seems to cope quite well when we leave to do her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, picking up her meds & anything else she might need from us in the "outside world."

Yet if I am understanding this correctly you're saying that because we went to my husbands *Mark* is his name, Mom's house after his Dad's passing that it "disrupted" HER routine and there for she got agitated and that it's okay for her to verbally attack us! Where is this so called agitation when we go out to do all the things for her? No, she was mad because we were all doing something for someone else. We were focusing on someone else that needed us-not just Mom. How do I know this? here are two examples.

The last time my mom went to the E.R. they sent her home with two prescriptions. The next morning my daughter Brittany woke up around 10:00 a.m. she had to be at her job at 1:00 p.m. I knew that the quicker we got Mom's antibiotics the sooner she would get better. So I asked Brittany if she would run up and put mom's prescription in. I told her if it's going to take more than 10-15 minutes for them to fill it. Will just have to get it tomorrow for her. Brittany waited for the prescription to be filled. So now Mom has her medicine. Brittany then had to feed the baby, dress her, and get herself ready for work. Brittany finally sat down to eat her breakfast. I mean that literally, her butt just sat into the chair. My Mom yells "as Mom does not believe in talking in a normal voice"
BRITTANY, Brittany says yes G'ma, My Mom says can you go get me a pad liner for my diaper. I spoke up and said no Mom she won't get it she is trying to eat. My Mom yelled from the bathroom "So What!" My Mom didn't care that Brittany was kind enough to go get her meds. All my Mom cared about was having Brittany get her something that she is capable of getting herself. That "So what" spoke volumes. It meant I don't care if she has to miss breakfast. I come first. with my Mom, it is me, me, me. Mom has even asked me many times to put the baby-our grand daughter down somewhere be it if I'm feeding, changing or rocking her to sleep. So that I can go and do what she's asking of me. I don't. Mom is capable of doing it herself. My Mom wants us to be her Aides-just like the ones in the nursing homes. Mom enjoyed having someone bring her 3 meals a day, Mom loved pushing the nurse's button for a snack, to change her bed, to give her a shower, to basically wait on her etc.. And as long as they came straight away Mom was the sweetest thing to them. But if they could not come to her "as they have other patients to care for." all heck broke loose, she was yelling at them, calling them black B****** etc. And yes I know this for a fact as the administrator herself called me and said she was out of control and she was upsetting the other residents. I was told that they had to write a report on Mom for her behavior. The administrator told me that if Mom did not stop using racial slurs that she would be released. Mom was released a few days later.

What she said to Brittany, deeply hurt her as Brittany loves to make people happy. And it angered me that she would be so unfeeling towards Brittany. If any of you are Mom's then you know this affected me as well. My Mommy instincts came right out and I wanted to take away the words and the pain that she felt.

So please if your going to give me or anyone else advise on something you're not familiar with or have never been in that situation i.e. the question I asked in my original message, I ask respectfully that you would not answer that question. There are many post that I read on here but I don't reply as I've not been in their situation. I do however send a hug or a word of encourgment. It may be a small gesture but I want them to know that I'm listening and I care what they are going through.

It is not only unprofessional, it would be trying to put themselves out of a job. So I don't believe it. So I think mother thinks that's what they're saying. Possibly they're just not disagreeing when she says it to them, and she takes silence as endorsement.

Also, a good clutch of these people are mandatory reporters if they suspect abuse, which stealing somebody's house and locking her away would be.

Bookworm, unless you are hearing these things with your own ears - in which case you go straight to the person's line manager about it - do take them with a grain of salt.

The aides at rehab and from a therapy agency are telling her this? This is so unprofessional and should be reported.

That is hard when here you are doing best you can and helping her that you are "accused" of wanting her gone to "steal" house. This is one of many reasons people dont understand and just want to put their two cents in or judge, yet what are they doing? My hub and I were talking about that today. I am far more worried about what people think or things I hear they say. He is not. I dont have any advice for you except to just hang in there and talk with your husband. You are attached deeper than he more than likely and he can handle it better and advise a day to day approach. Keep venting here and keep up your own mental health appointments. Hugs to you x

My mom can be left alone as she gets around well in her wheelchair. Her meals are pre-prepared, she has a cell phone and life alert. The aides I were mentioning were from the second time she had P.T. and O.T. @ home.

Same with the second nursing home, her P.T. told her this as well. my mom believed it and thought we were plotting against her.

I would love to find a place of our own! It's just going to take some time to save up enough to do so. As we split all the bills and lot rent with my Mom.

Your mother is already on Medicaid?

I'm not sure, but I don't see why that stops her selling up. She would then need to spend down the proceeds of the house sale and reapply for Medicaid; or else reimburse Medicaid from the proceeds; or whatever - other posters will know the process properly. But anyway the advice you were given sounds a bit mangled to me.

Assume it is possible, though. Then what?

Meanwhile, I agree with JoAnn that it sounds as if your mother is past the point where she can safely be left alone. She didn't throw that scene to be selfish or dramatic; the disruption to routine did, as you say, agitate her. She can't cope.

Hmmmm. "Everyone" in the nursing homes, the aides who come in to help her, these people all said you just want to put her away and take her house, did they? Did they? What, they said that in your hearing? Or is that what your mother said they said?

Can she really be left alone? If the aides are from an agency, report them. They r afraid of losing their job. How did a nursing home get involved. Very unprofessional on both accounts. Maybe it time for you to find a place of ur own. Seem like you have 3 generations in "her" house. Too much.