Caregiving is changing my personality. How do I detach?
Dad is 91 and I can handle him most of the time until he falls or doesn't want to do something. then its a challenge.
During the day, I am gone half the time (he refuses any help when im not here) as I am an Executive Director of an animal clinic. fortunately, I have good staff and can work from home most of the time. In my business life, I have to talk strategic planning, project management, FTE coverage flows, etc. Once I get off the phone, I have to completely and entirely change who I am in order to reach him. In fact, his first few words are "You are THAT important?" (said to bait me cause he had to wait, hanging over my shoulder while I finished up a conference call. We have a housekeeper, once everyother week; he hates her. Says she steals things. Any help with how to avoid the transition from business executive to "bossy daughter" mode, which was always my childhood tag? I want so badly to not boss him, but being that its in my personality (and his too) its hard for me to even boss someone that cant think logically. He broke his hand last week and pulled the cast off when I wasn't looking because I refused to do it for him and lectured him on why he needs to leave it on. He takes oxycodone and then drinks when I am not looking (I cannot even begin to try to take his alcohol away at 91) so I have hidden his oxycodone and he accuses me of being addicted to them so that's why I take them.
okay, my head hurts just talking .... going for the aspirins (which is as strong as it gets for me...)
How do go into a detached mode--- is that what I need to do? when dealing with him. Does anyone have a similar transition to make or know of any books that have helped?
Linda
Now I say all of this because taking care of your dad requires all of the skills you use as an ED. You have the hard headed business skill and compassion, and like rearing anything from kids to animals usually there is not a manual but we learn from trial and error and through experience. Everything I learned in my life unfortunately I had to learn the hard way and on my own, I am now open to suggestions LOL. Anything to live an easier life in my book.
For me caring for my mother brought front and center my own mortality and all the uncomfortable things that we usually push to the back burner for later. Well it is now later. As a business woman put that hat on and take care of legal issues if not done already, but I would be surprised to think you have not done this yet. But needs to be said, those power of attorneys are essential as making sure he does not die intestate.
Get all arrangements made for his estate, taxes, funeral wishes now. Get a list of policies, bank accounts, iras and so forth. Make it easier on him and yourself. He won't like it much, I wouldn't it means I am closer to check out time, he may be afraid, I would be, I am now.
It is a sad and hard time for all of us, your dad, everyone, but it is the time for us to really grow up and become truly independent of our parents emotionally and often the role reversal is a mind twist and cluster. You now are the parent. Growing up was dad bossy or mom or both. Think about how they were when they were younger, this is their personality now without power behind it.
Dad is 91, holy moly that is great and he does not have dementia even better. I would assess his medical needs, can he function alone, does he take meds. If he needs a carer get one, if can get to Adult Day care get him there. He needs stimulation, he is drinking because he is bored, scared and all of the above. Get him around his peers, involved with things he used to love, get him out of the house.
He is goading you with the comment about "are you that important." Well yes dad isn't that great that you helped create a human being that is "important" and has people and animals relying on them.
Take it slow, faggetabout the guilt, there is none, useless, it is the nature of the beast. Take care of yourself, tell him what he needs to do, consider his feelings and if you can give him choices and options, get him involved in his care.
parent. His safety-your sanity are your priorities. Book suggestion: coping with your difficult older parent: a guide for stressed out children by grace Lebow and Barbara Kane.
Emotionally resilient people hold up well under pressure and can gain strength from rough emotional experiences. First and foremost you have to care for you, this is always a must in caregiving because you will get overwhelmed and burn out. This is no good for you or your father. You have a very heavy work load, BE CAREFUL for your sake. If he wants to resist care when you can't be there then so be it, they are there for his safety not his attitude. Good caregivers don't for the most part take it personally, they just do their jobs and exhale later. Don't get down on yourself your doing great. Take care
But this is a place of support and safety where we can read and write about either our frustrations or voyeur into another person's life, and share their frustrations and opinions. The best help often comes when a person says something that is quite the opposite of what we would do or how we do feel, and in the midst of every thing, we get confirmation.
But back to your father, I have heard a little something about senior therapy??? anyone else heard of it??? something like the behavior therapy , I received when I had my strokes??? I wonder if they can do it inpatient???
DaughterLinda, your dad has some kind of Dementia maybe brought on by drugs/alcohol. More common than you know.
All of the caregivers who have taken time to answer your question (except the troll) have some great suggestions and my first take on your issue is this:
At least you know you're not alone! That can make a huge difference in how you move forward with this insanity. And it is Insanity.
Sidebar: Congratulations on a very cool job! Protect your job in the midst of the crazy!
Keep writing out your frustrations and the amazing caregivers here will continue to chime in and offer support.
Change is hard but change we must when coping with a parent who is becoming more and more unreasonable. They are not going to change. We have to in order to survive.
You don't have to be the bossy daughter, you just have to get someone to help care for him so you can continue to be a daughter and not a nurse and he can continue to be your dad and not your patient. That would be the change I would be talking about. IMHO.
Good luck and keep writing it out!
lovbob
You say, "Yep, Dad .. because that's what you taught me to be. *laughs* Isn't it great that we're SO alike?"
Neither one of you needs to lose.
Hi beammeupscotty...how are you doing? Thank you for your support along the way here!!!
Again just skimmed...I apologize for not having anything concrete to say!
Just hang in there to all....
Luv
Juju
First of all, I think that there is nothing wrong with "detached mode" because it is to me a survival mechanism. I have had to detach emotionally from my situation because it has overwhelmed me, burned me out completely and for my own protection I have resigned myself to become more "like a robot and a conscript" toward my father. I address my father's caregiving needs only. He tries to bait me all the time which became a huge source of pain and frustration, which in turn grew into resentment, anger, and bitterness. Yes, you absolutely need to continue with your life as much as you possibly can of course, because your father will pass and that be your security and livelihood. Guilt if often the biggest problem caregivers have. My situation has prompted the desire for a book for caregivers that should be much like a survival guide, because nothing in my life ever prepared me for this and I know only too well that caregivers are quickly becoming collateral damage - suffering as much - if not more than the person they care for. The best of luck to you and hope this helps. Kathie
You must be so important!"
"Okay dad don't cause trouble"
"Oh so I'm trouble now am I"
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
I wouldn't have a problem if you didn't hire that housekeeper"
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
Etc. etc.
Okay dad don't cause trouble"
Try it. The key is not getting emotional because the discussion is not going end in resolution anyway and you will passing the responsibility back on him. Good luck!