Caregiving is changing my personality. How do I detach?

I guess I need to think about the above, because I don't get it.

Try humor. Can you get him to laugh at ANYTHING? That cuts through so much.

Much good advise here. Yes we have to detach, but 24/7 caregiving with nothing else to occupy your mind makes it even more difficult. Our minds do need a break. What I am saying is from experience. My loved on just fell a week ago and has been in the hospital since. Going to visit has been hard enough, BUT the break from daily giving at home has SLOWLY given me a mental break. When I am working on my job, I am mostly thinking about what I am doing there, even though the caregiving thoughts are still there. Anyway I believe our minds get so focused that we are hurting more than we realize. This does change our personalities. We lose who we are and the things that make up our passions and real self. But not to lose heart, keep calm and carry on people!! Please try to do something for just you to get your mind off the caregiving for a while and do not talk about caregiving during that time. I am slowly finding myself little by little, but mom may not ever come home again. She has been recommended to an assisted living, broken ribs and falls, and I cannot care for her as I am not a 24/7 nurse and have to work. And even though it hurts, that is part of life we all have to face, getting old and hurting. Let life take its course and just do the best you can for all concerned and NO GUILT people. Please no more hurting others just because their path is not yours.

Extremely well said beammeupscotty. Each of us is on our own journey and we do the best we can. Caregiving is so extremely emotionally draining and this forum, for me, is so important. People sending out love and support while sharing experiences, and listening to one another are the reasons why I come to this site everyday.

I'LL SAY IT SHORT AND SWEET: Some parents act like children and they should be reminded that they are not. (1) You need a coach so you can let off steam and create a strategy and (2) you need to carry out your strategy until you find what works. One of my friends sounded off until 3am. I think she feels better. It's been six years of care for her 82 y.o. mother. Her mother is still in her house, with tubes running everywhere but she still has a boyfriend that comes to visit. Everybody is happy that Mother has a life but Mother has become Mom again. She wants to order her children to do things and they just can't do it and don't want to do it. They say Mother has become a spoiled brat. Like, her children want to make the dining room downstairs into her bedroom and her son wants to build a new bathroom to make things easier: he's a contractor. Mother says no. She needs the dining room to entertain. The children will move her downstairs because they are tired of carrying her upstairs. They will build a new bathroom because it makes sense. So, the coddling program is greatly diminishing and Mother will cry and they all have learned how to just look at her when she does or ignore her. They don't get upset any more.

Another friend was close to retirement with back problems but she sold her house doing the boom and moved in with her two 80+ parents. Her sister and she are working together on this project even though they can't stand each other. They make a schedule and stick to it and the sister will take breaks when she wants and I tell her I support that. Some people need a break while doing this, more than others. *Any decent help is good help. Don't turn any help away. *Well, Mother got in the habit of taking off her Depends diaper and spilling stuff everywhere . My friend had to clean it up..My friend took a proactive stance on this, "Listen Mother. Sit down there. Now you have been taking off your Depends. I don't know why. Don't do that anymore. Don't wear me out. I'm already tired from work everyday. Do you know what would happen to you if I'm not here?" Her mother looked at her soberly. She went to her room, got her blanket. Came back into the living room, got in her rocker and went to sleep. My friend has not had any more problems out of Mother. Mother behaves herself. But her father is different. He can wear a nerve out. So she has to use a different strategy. That's it!
HELP, ANY & ALL HELP, STRATEGY--FIND WHAT WORKS, AND WORK IT. YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS CHILD ANYMORE. YOU ARE A GROWN ADULT WITH YOUR OWN LIFE AND THEY ARE "A PART OF IT"; THEY ARE NOT TO BECOME ALL OF YOUR LIFE. THAT'S NOT HOW CAREGIVING WORKS BEST. Wish you luck, Executive Linda.--Margaret Opine

How ironic. I came on this site tonight to whine and complain and ask for HELP! I was going to say: " I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel! Someone please tell me why I shouldn't." Then I began reading this thread. Many suggestions and answers came to me. I went to bed tonight when it was still daylight. 8:30, a beautiful summer evening. I was feeling sorry for myself, drained, tired, and fed up. All day was spent with Mom and her needs. Everywhere I went, she went. It takes four times longer for me to do ANYTHING, because my poor sweet Mom is a clueless little kid...coming out of her room with two different shoes on, wanting to wear her cashmere sweater to bed (in 90 degree weather), thinking she can walk just fine on uneven terrain, steps, no hand rails, etc etc. This place is not a handicapped facility. My husband refuses to make it one. Therefore, dangers lurk everywhere. Hubby is out of town tonight, and Mom and I had a heart-to-heart. I told her I needed a break now and then. I needed some "alone time." Even for an hour. I feel like I'm going to crack. She told me that she was aware something was wrong with her, and she is frightened to be alone because of that feeling. She doesn't know what to do, or what she is doing. It was sad to hear. And interesting that she is very aware that she is totally clueless, and how scary that really is to her. Knowing this doesn't really solve any problems though. I hope it makes me less impatient, although I am so burnt out. I liked reading some of the answers about "burn out" and what to do to try and avoid it. I can't come to grips with placing Mom in a memory care right yet. To me it would seem like abandoning a two year old. She said tonight that she relies on the love, and care of those of us around her who she knows love her. (Actually it's just my husband and I, most of the time, and the many visiting family members who come and go.) And how much easier it is for those who come and go. Just like being a grandparent who can love the kids for a time, but are ready to relinquish the care back to the parents as soon as they can, right?? So, checking in to this site has once again helped me through a horrible day....a thought that I just couldn't go on with this, and feeling depressed and hopeless. Thanks caregivers!!! Only all of us really know what it's all about. :-/

Good morning everyone. I am exhausted and just woke up and have to leave in 1 hour for work!! But had to check in. Everyone, hang in there. Just thought of this..it is so hard because sometimes we want to FIX everything. For instance, if we just do this or that it might all get better some how. Our goal should be just to do what we can, and know its probably not all going to get fixed and back to normal.. then we might relax some. I do try to fix, like for instance, a new plan here and a new plan there. Its exhausting. It is what it is and it out of our control many times. Let life happen likes it has been planned with the aging process doing what we can, but knowing the world is not in our hands. Keep calm and carry on. No guilt today, rest when u can.

Actually, the personality switch is something that every caregiver has to do.
" Once I get off the phone, I have to completely and entirely change who I am in order to reach him."
I'd like to give you some magic formula for doing it easily, but there isn't any. It sounds to me like you already have a good grip on the situation. Actually, perhaps if you think about it as going from adult-logical thinking-plannning mode into mommy-dealing with an irrational and illogical child mode as most women have learned to do when they become moms, might help. Switching will become easier quite quickly, especially with someone who is as intelligent as you clearly are.

I don't talk to my mother like she is a child, wouldn't want that done to me. She responds to respect and I tell her so do I.

Your father is older than my Mom but parents, just like teens, do NOT want to be TOLD what to do. They will dig their heels in and refuse to do what you have asked them to do. I am not the hard nosed child who was always bossy, I am the easy going person (not so much now) to was forced to become the hard nosed caregiver who had to override Mom's wishes. She thinks she is okay but her memory is 5 to 10 minutes, she had a million telemarketers calling everyday for money and I finally had to get POA over her affairs. Does she always like it? NO! But I am here to try a protect her and her estate. I do not work an outside job but this changes your personality no matter who or what you are. You are having to become the parent of your parent. This is not something that we ever saw ourselves becoming and you are right it changes you.

I have found however that my sister has your style of parenting....She is really a micro manager and trying to do this with your Dad most likely will not work. They HATE BEING TOLD WHAT THEY WILL OR WILL NOT DO OR WHEN THEY WILL DO IT! You must learn to be more diplomatic in your approach. You cannot rush them, even if it is for an appointment....an argument will ensue if you do!

I would suggest reading any book you can find or going to a support group, you will find that you are not alone and others may have additional suggestions as to how they handle it. I have found so many people on this site with very good suggestions and I wonder how I never thought of that!

Relax, or you may wind up in the hospital yourself.

Well, my Dad was in his 90s when he gota little more controling - never abusive just hyperviligant. PLUS i'm an only child. Now onto Mom - she's 94 & you're right, she does NOT want to be told what to do - Raven1 - I'm more of the hard nosed child lol - Richard's easygoing - I'm a micro-manager BUT after getting a report of mom's labs from my nurse advocate telling me mom needs to drink more fluids II thought HOW, she's coherent, alert & NOBODY (not even the Pope)could force her do do ANYTHING - Period. I learned that so I'm at the point now where I see her, tell her I love her & that's all I can do! She's in the nursing home & since I have Gail (nurse advocate)I feel a sense of relief knowing she's looking out for mom so I can just relax & love her. Anyway, I think Raven1 is right - no matter WHAT you want them to do the ONLY way they will do it is if they WANT to, been there, done that. As to how to detach? You probably can't - but like I said before PLEASE attend a support group or see a therapist - I think you need it - I'm seeing a counselor myself & it's helping more than I can say - nonjudgemental, etc - look into it. Relax? She won't be able to.

I talk to my Dad like he's a child sometimes. He's late stage Alz and has to have step-by-step instructions on toileting, swallowing pills, etc. I don't see how that can happen wo sounding like I'm talking to a child. "Do you understand?" is like a mantra at my house. If I don't ask, I get no response.

Meh. Edna is (or has become) extremely compliant. While that makes it pretty easy for us to keep her healthy, she's completely reverted to some (hear the accent) "south'rn chil' ", where she's becoming reliant on us. In many ways, giving up, in the last year and half. I've had to RE-learn (always knew it, but slipped into bad habits of DOing for her) that as her caregiver, my role is to be her coach, cheerleader and advocate: "You can do it!" is our mantra.

Yanno .. that's one of the best parts of this forum! There are SO many variations on conditions and attitudes. It really helps when we each share our experiences and lessons.

Thanks, everyone!! As much as I know, I'm learning TONS in here.

Blessings on alla ya!!

My 93-year-old mother has been in a board-and-care 24-hour home and is not adjusting well with her abusive attitude. She always tells me that she wants to return to our home. Medicaid does not cover private care, and out-of-pocket costs are around $18,000.00 monthly. Our family and I cannot afford this cost, either, so Mom cannot come home without the proper 24-hour assisted living; so Sad! I also do not like her attitude and am ready to turn my POA obligations over to an alternate family member who lives out-of-state. Mom's Social Security and little pension does not cover the entire cost of her care, forcing her to use up her funds which will run out in less than 2 years. So, I decided, in order to avoid abusive issues to me when I should be paying attention to seeking permanent employment for myself, I will just likely let a stronger family member deal with Mom's bills on her behalf and move forward with the Medicaid planning issues, who will once again explain to Mom why her funds are running out. I feel the end of my rope after helping for over one year now and have decided to let someone else handle the "tight rope" until further notice. It is just not worth getting flustered about issues anymore!

Hi, Linda, boy have I been there and done that; hang in there, friend. You asked if there were any books to recommend. I can at least suggest a little meditation book called "Women Who Do Too Much," with a short encouraging thought and/ or helpful suggestion for each day of the year; amazing how helpful something as simple as that can be. The trick is trying to keep perspective. Not easy at all. I was my mom's sole caretaker for twelve years; she finally passed away in February at age 103. She lived about a block away from me so I at least had my own home to go to at night--which was still constantly invaded by incessent phone calls when I was not with her. Part of my problem was that I did not either realize or accept that my mom was suffering from dementia that was getting steadily worse. When I finally got that confirmed by a neurologist (who by the way told me the so-called Alzheimers meds are not really helpful for most and had difficult side effects), I could look back over the past couple of years and identify incidents I thought were "just" maddening behavior on her part but were really symptoms of dementia. Actually one of the first manifestations--very common--was that she started complaining that our long-time cleaning lady was stealing from her--things like the sink strainer and a particular cleaning rag that had once been a hand towel. After I finally figured this out, I would confront her with her unacceptable behaviors--which sometimes worked for a while and sometimes not. I do think absolutely that on some level they are aware that they are being difficult and do have some ability to correct themselves; but sometimes not. When I finally figured that out it was easier to accept and let it go when nothing I did, said or tried made any difference. A major trick to this is not taking anything they say or do personally. They can really push your buttons, because think about it; they are the ones who installed those buttons in the first place, with their often imperfect parenting! Hard to master, and I was certainly not always successful by any means but I did try to remain somewhat detached.

My son once asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I told him to get me a monogrammed strait jacket. Only half kidding. Another time I told him that I wanted just to walk out the door in my nightgown in the middle of the night, walk aimlessly as far as I could, then sit down on a curb and wait for the cops to pick me up and take me somewhere. Anywhere my mom wasn't. He was always a good sounding board and had the ability to make me laugh; he thought for a minute and told me he thought that if I did that, I should wear my cowboy boots, which would both protect my feet and enhance the madwoman outfit. Which got me laughing and de-fused me for that day.

Everyone will tell you that it is absolutely essential for you to have some time to yourself, and some time to spend with your own friends and family, and I used to get so annoyed by that "helpful" suggestion, because it was usually tossed out by somebody who had not the slightest idea what this kind of life is really like. But it's true, Linda. It's true. Toward the end I would think of things to do alone that might take just an hour or so: lunch out, the bookstore, a long walk, anywhere that was not an errand, and did not involve my mother. I would tell Mom that I would be back at whatever time, and she was not to call me on my cell phone unless she was bleeding. That actually worked most of the time. When the incessent phone calls got to me, I would also just announce that she had used up all her phone calls for that day, and not to call me again until the next day. That often worked too. Other things I tried did not work at all. Mostly those experiments involved trying to reason with her--not helpful at all. Unlike another poster, I was never able to have a heart-to-heart with my mom about what was happening both to her and to me. Every time I tried, she would just end up screaming "I'm not crazy!" at the top of her lungs. There is a saying, unfortunately that fit at least my situation: "Don't wrestle with a pig. You'll just get dirty and the pig loves it." Sad but true. What worked best for me when reasoning mostly failed was just to make a pronouncement in a calm voice and refuse to engage further on whatever wacko subject was "it" for that moment: "Mom, I don't know what happened to the sink strainer, but we will get you another one, and that subject is now CLOSED. I mean it." Then just clam up and move on. This sometimes includes just walking out of the room or out of the house--also often effective--anything to get the obsession of the moment redirected.

Sorry, I am just rambling on here. Caretaking does that to a person! As I said, Mom has been gone since February. I keep thinking I will unsubscribe to this site but every now and then will get hooked onto an issue like this one and I realize that even though I am finally "free," I am still trying to process and work through my own ever-present issues about what Mom and I both went through, especially those last couple of years. And there is at least the old saw that "This too shall pass." I stopped believing that; but it did in fact pass. God bless you; it's a real effort to stay sane in these difficult circumstances, but we have to try! And most important, we don't have to be perfect! Believe it! I was almost at the point where a nursing home would have been the best thing for both of us; if it comes to that, just take the plunge. At some point you just have to save your own life, or you are no good to yourself or anyone else.

Lori1943 is right on.
1. I have the "Women Who Do Too Much" calendar so I will read it daily.
*Most of my friends don't invite me places because I can only stay out only for an hour or two and visiting means visiting my mil as well.*
2. Soooo...I go out to Barnes and Nobles or take my dog to my favorite dog park once or twice a week. Whatever that you really enjoy you MUST keep doing it!
3. Take a warm bath, watch a classic movie, make your favorite meal, call a friend, etc. on a daily basis.
4. Know that you are not alone. That is why I love this forum. We are here for you. Some may judge but who cares? I seriously care for over 90% of the faceless people here. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.
5. Careful of depression. I admit I am on Zoloft. Depression is a serious disease and needs to be addressed. Unfortunately, things like caregiving can lead to depression.
6. As Lori said, do you what you need to do to save yourself and don't feel guilty. If it has to be done, oh well, whatever you do may be for the best anyway.

All the best!

yes....it will change you....it will drive you crazy

short walk for some....

The only way to "detach" is to get the heck of out the house for a while. Go to the park or the beach. Escape. The house will suck you in. Get out

bobbie321: VERY short for me!

Yes it does change our personality and slowly.. so we have to be aware that the depression or any other harmful trait will sneak up on us and take over......
I just read that depression is not wanting to face an uncomfortable situation. Wow that woke me up cuz when I got the call that my mom fell and I had to go down to her house and let the paramedics in I lost it. I first went to my neighbors and cried as we heard the sirens go by, then they gave me a ride to moms. I got there just in time before they broke the door down. I then went in her backyard and sat in the grass like a scared child. I figured she was dead and didn't want to see. I am now totally embarrassed about my actions. I now realize I was depressed and it sucked me in like a vacuum. It was a wake up call. I am going to be a "big girl" now and face up to my responsibilities and just DO IT. Damn it I can do it and i'll be darn if I will let depression get me again.

Thank you, Wellington, for mentioning depression and anti-depressants. I should have included that in my rambling response. I take Wellbutrin daily--still. At some point I will start tapering off but I still have a sort of PTSD, I think, even though this whole experience is now behind me. I think I really would have gone under without it. Most doctors, including your primary/family practitioner will prescribe it for you so you don't have to track down an actual shrink, although that's not a bad idea either. I used to say that my life still sucked big time but I didn't mind that so much after I started taking the anti-depressants. Maybe some of you are as old as I am so might remember novelist Erick Jong who was popular in the 70s and 80s. One of her books was title "How to Save Your Own Life." She had a list--the only item I remember is this one, but it helped: "When the evil eye of fate casts its glance in your direction, look the other way." In other words, detach. God bless all of you. Even the terminally cranky Rosco.

If you pray while you walk along, just remember that what you give as a "gift of time" to your Mom and Dad. What anyone receives from a family member receives a gift, not a right. Also, remember the Saint, Mother Teresa's quotes; look her up in the websites for more information ("...Put the Love into the Giving").

That is just what I am doing right now at 8:51 p.m. in S.F.! Taking time for myself to look for word and relax while Mom is in a 24-hour assisted living private home, and I will visit her when I can as a daughter and friend only!

Linda, thanks for sharing your experience. Your Dad does not want to act strangely and can't help it. He's losing brain cells that helped guide his behavior in the past. Acceptance of the changes and returning to memories before the dementia may help you. Many caregivers learn to accept and adjust to the challenge of increased stress. The best non-drug stress buster is meditation and mindfulness. Your local library can help. Good Luck!

Yes caregiving has really changed me. I have noticed myself being more angry, cynical, defensive, complaining and also depressed. This situation has brought me great insights into the kind of person I am, have been, and hope to be. In the end, it is my reaction and behavior that is important. My mother cannot be the person anymore that she used to be. It is up to me to be the best that I can be in handling the life that was thrust upon both of us.

Perhaps a close friend or a counselor to talk to, to get some distance from your situation?

If you have faith in yourself, your instincts will guide you to the right direction. Just trust and love yourself first, then share that method with others, even under the most miserable circumstances! All the best to our fellow caregivers!

Lori1943: Please keep coming to the site, you may have experiences that we could all benefit from hearing about! Your Mom has given you a gift of insight that we could all use!

Thank you with Love and Peace!!