Background, my one brother passed in 2019, from there Mum took a nose dive with health and now has severe dementia and lives with me in Aus.
My other brother has been in a care residence in Europe due to slight physical / mental disability. Despite this, he was rather independent until he had a stroke and has been stroller/wheelchair bound approx 10 years.
A fortnight ago (07/10), I received an email from the care residence that my brother had gone to hospital due to a fall. They hadn’t taken him until the next morning as he hadn’t complained much until the next morning he said he’d been in excrutiating pain through the night. They took him for x-ray and from there he was due for foot surgery. The care residence also mentioned that they’d already organised physio and that they were sure he was in good hands but had not taken his mobile with him.
Next week,.. I followed up with an email as I still hadn’t heard from him. On 19/07 I was told they weren’t sure which ward he was transferred to but were planning to find out and take his mobile to him.
I also tried calling the hospital with his details but the reception was unable to say anything without me providing further detail.
Next day 20/07, I got a phone call from said hospital doctor to ask if I’d been querying about (his name). He then gave me the shocking news that he was admitted 07/07 and died on ward 10/07!!! He had reportedly been doing well at 4am check up and 5am check up, he’d passed.
I am so completely in shock and confused over these events!
1. How does the care residence not know what was going on (he had a gov POA). How did they not know!
2. How does it take the hospital 10 days to contact us / the residence?!
3. How does a person going in to hospital with broken/fractured ankle end up dead?!
I am struggling massively at the moment to come to terms with everything. I have now lost both my brothers and Mum has severe dementia and I have no other family or relatives that would help. I’ve been seeing a therapist for burnout and grief before this news.
I am literally frozen, unable to think straight as to what needs to happen.
What am I meant to do?
I want to respect my brother but don’t know how. I feel enournous guilt.
1. I can’t travel to Europe and leave Mum due to her dementia. Respite would not likely work because even now I need to be within reach.
2. I’m not sure if mum would be well enough to travel 25+ hours and I don’t have guardianship yet.
3. In all honesty I don’t have the money for flights / accommodation / funeral at the moment. I have house deposit savings but I feel like I shouldn’t use this.
Note: when my other brother passed, I maxed out a credit card and personal loan (he also passed overseas). And eventually I will also need to pay when Mums time comes. As awful as it sounds these are major set backs for myself. I’m horrified as to what my seniors years will be like if that makes sense. Im 40’s and yet to get myself a nest egg and build for my own retirement. I’ve been a support pillar for my immediate family since my late 20’s.
Mum semi understands the passing of my brother and off course wants a funeral but doesn’t understand the financial side of it. She thinks it’s just a walk in the park basically. So I am upsetting her when I suggest I can’t afford buying last minute flights again and all the other costs.
The care residence is also expecting we come and empty/clean my brothers suite. I said “how do you expect me to do that from overseas and whilst a carer for someone that can’t be left alone”! I said, doesn’t he have a POA that can organise this and they said it ceased the moment he passed. So what does that mean? Does that mean technically his back in my Mums responsibility who is not capable?? Do I even have rights to do anything?
I was thinking if they could somehow hold his ashes until later date? Is that horrible? My other brother spot was for 4 people. Any ideas?
Feel so upset and lost!!