I have an evening caretaker/companion for my father from 5-8 pm that I adore. She’s actually 80 years young!
I trust her completely to be a good friend to my father! She’s chatty and energetic! Dilemma is that I think she does too much for my father. I am with him all day Sat and Sun, day and eve, so I know that he is capable of doing certain tasks for himself with only prompts. I want him to use his brain to the extent that he can! That old saying, “use it or lose it” as we all know is even more important with dementia patients! I also know that it gives him pride to do things for himself. Recently I was over at his apartment in independent living when the evening caretaker was there, and instead of just prompting him to brush his teeth, she actually went in the bathroom and put toothpaste on his toothbrush! I looked at her incredulously, and sort of made a joke about it, but then said “he can do that himself, you know“. She just kind of giggled and said that she liked doing it for him. Then yesterday I was at dinner with them, and when he went to open the sweetener to put in his tea, she took it from him. She said that she would do it for him. Again, I said to her, “he can do that himself“ and then her response was that same giggle and that “she could do it better”. There was no malice in her statement. He can be messy at the table and maybe that’s why she does it. He tends to leave his packages and the leftover contents of them spewed across the table and does not pick them up before the waiters come around. I am fairly certain that there are other basic self-care tasks that she is doing for him. His executive function is weak already but am concerned that her babying him does not help. So, how to address?! She has become like family and with our age difference, I certainly want to be respectful when I address the situation. I feel she has a difficult time discerning when to step in and when to step back. She is close in age to him so I also wonder if this is just how she is with her own husband and it is difficult for her to be any other way at her age.
The caregiver is only with him 5-8pm, so that leaves mornings and afternoons for your Dad to do things for himself.
This is a win-win situation :)
Her help may perhaps be a burr under your saddle for some rigid reason of yours regarding how things should be done. If he's okay with it let it slide.
In the giant scheme of things please consider that you should let it be.
Use it or lose it - is so full of bologny with folks with dementia. Nothing helps. It all goes down the drain except for the "memory" of being treated kindly, or feeling safe. Please don't "address it". Her way is simply not your style but it is not wrong, unless she is abrupt. Don't read into things too deeply. Look around you. Are you fortunate to have her care. Does she know enough to call for assistance if there was an emergency and he couldn't make a call.
Ms Giggly would drive me up a wall but I'm hardcore and sharp minded, I think, for now. When I start to fade away how nice a thing would it be for me to have someone cater to me and keep me in cheerful company.
She could have been a more perfect Ms Ratchet type. NG.
No one is perfect. No one, but no one, operates without a touch of ego to a degree with regard to everything they do in their own life and in judgement of someone else's methods.
She takes good care of him and she's got a "thing" about doing things (in her estimation) more efficiently. You also take good care of him "your" way.
It's all whacky. The world is whacky, but the bottomline is your dad is cared for and kept company.
it is all about keeping them feeling loved and safe.
She sounds like a nice lady and sweet companion for dad a few hours a night.
Anyway I agree with all the “let it be” comments
Personally, I would give her a bouquet of roses for going above and beyond to make him feel loved and make sure she understands that it is because she is going above and beyond.
Dementia takes away executive function, no matter what you do or don't do. Let it go and count your blessings that he has someone to make him feel special and give you a break.
I know that when me DH puts his own dirty dishes in the DW, it's an embarassingly wonderful gesture to me. After so many years of him getting up from the table and walking away, this is HUGE. It's the small things.
Just be grateful.
Quite honestly, training a caregiver is a full time job, and at 80 she probably isn't really a caregiver; she's acting more like a friend.
I would let this go, myself. BUT................if it disturbs you you certainly can gently address it in a kindly manner. For instance: Take her aside and tell her this:
"Myra, I know you care about Dad. Anyone can see that in your loving manner. And I so appreciate every comfort that can be provided to him; I feel so lucky in having you. But I would ask you please to try to work to keep Dad's independence and to allow him control of his person so much as we are able now. Not everyone will do every little thing for him. It's important for him to be a able as he can. Not only important for his self care, and his feelings of independence and control, but important to keeping him as well and able as we can. I know you are being helpful and that you are looking on these small things as things you can give to him. I understand your heart. But I must ask you to consider what is in his best interest. He isn't a baby. He is a grown man. It is important we allow him the pride of self caring as long as we can."
That's pretty much that. Her actions are habitual and without thought. She has likely done this for grandchildren as well. She is of a giving loving nature. Just that you and I know this isn't in Dad's best interests.
Like I said, this is three hours. You can even discuss it with Dad. "Oh, Dad, poor Myra doesn't even know you are capable of putting sugar in your coffee; but she means well and she loves feeling useful to you. So we will just let her enjoy giving you special attention."
Do you know how lucky you are? Everyone would love to be in your shoes.
It's only from 5-8 p.m. evenings. You have a superstar working for you.
He's loving it. Men loved to be fawned over. Bring her a bunch of flowers and say, "I don't know what I would do without you!"
If she has a sister in my neck of the woods, send her over, I could use the help.
Amen...
It is showing disrespect and being very selfish, unaware.
I really see your point but the "use it or loose it" concept does not really work for those who have Dementia. It does not stop the inevitable. He is going to eventually forget and it can happen overnight. Its not like a person who has had a stroke and you need to retrain the brain. Your Dads brain is dying little by little. And its frustrating sometimes for them to try and do something they can no longer do. If he wants to do it, I would not hold him back unless its something dangerous. But don't be surprised that one day he opens that pk if sweetner and forgets it goes into his coffee cup. Or forgets what the sweetner is for and goes for the sugar. They also lose long-term memory. They become like small children.
We took my Mom out to dinner once a week and she always had her cup of tea. Like every other week the waitress brought her hot water in a little metal pot. My Mom always poured her own water into her cup, not this time. It was like slow motion but not enough time to stop her. She picked up that pot and raised her arm and poured the water all over the table. Last time she was allowed the pot.
Dementia is too unpredictable. If your not there all week, do you have a camera to see what he is doing daily? They can "showtime" when others are around and be "out of it" when alone. Its not unusual for a person suffering from dementia to go to bed and wake up not being able to do the things they did the day before.
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