I apologize for the long post, but I'm at a loss on how to proceed.
I recently moved across the country to start a family with my partner after a year of long distance. He is wonderful in every way, however his mother lives with us as she is considered disabled. She is extremely abusive/controlling and blames her disability when we try to set boundaries or address her behavior. She's independent enough to care for herself, clean and use power tools for yardwork despite our objections.
She has been this way her whole life prior to any disability according to my partner, and we're unsure what her actual diagnosis is. She called him after decades of no contact saying he was now responsible for taking care of her, and without any other living family he felt he had no choice. She receives state assistance but not enough to live off, and she's independent enough to have her own bank accounts so there is no guardianship or POA. When she came to live with him, her paid-off home he grew up in was being foreclosed and her car was repossessed to help pay off tens of thousands in spending debt she had racked up, her 401k was gone. The rest my partner paid off himself.
There is an extremely unhealthy dynamic of guilt and abuse involved, and she does not hide her dislike for me. When I first moved up and joined the household, I tried to connect with her through shopping trips, coffee dates, shared interest of gardening and crafts, etc. but when I started my career and couldn’t take her out or spend money on her she changed completely.
For example, she recently screamed at us over him not texting her back to communicate what our dinner plans were (partner and I tried to deescalate as we are renting and have neighbors, but she is inconsolable and only escalates further). He and I both work full time 50+ hours per week and pay all the bills/groceries, and he works a high stress job at a hospital in the OR. He's not even able to take a break most days, so her expectations are completely unreasonable and controlling. She also will take his car without permission even though her license has been expired for 5+ years, and there's no telling her no without a huge outburst.
He used to shut down when she explodes but has been doing more to try and "greyrock" while setting healthy boundaries, and he's becoming more aware of her abuse for what it is. Nobody else was ever around to witness it - he is an only child and she's single, so it's been easier on him to just concede to her behavior to avoid conflict. He feels responsible for her behavior and constantly apologizes to me for it. As someone who had an abusive father, I've been gently trying to reinforce that he's not responsible for her behavior nor is it his fault, and he deserves a peaceful home.
I tried to set a boundary that we would not continue any conversations if she continued yelling and being aggressive (she will bang on our bedroom door until we answer her). She called me manipulative, narcissistic, smug, sarcastic, and a b***h repeatedly, and then threatened to slap me across the face. Her next words were that she "knew exactly how to take care of the problem" in reference to me, which is terrifying.
I don't know her well enough to know what she might do as I've only been living with her for 3 months. I told her as calmly as I could that I would not tolerate threats of violence and if she did it again, I would report her to authorities, and we would find other options for her housing. It feels extreme on my part, but I don't know what else to do as it's not the first time. I don't feel safe having my cat around her, let alone any future children. My partner and I dread going home and feel trapped and drained. We don't make enough combined to support a second lease.
I love my partner and do not want to leave; we both deserve happiness and a future together. Despite her abusive behavior I do care about her health and wellbeing. What can we do?
She's nuts and you are choosing to stay there. Change your mind about that now and do the therapy later to figure out why.
He wants to be the good son. It won't happen. He will destroy himself trying.
He had no business paying her debt. His focus should be on your lives together. She's taken over and you are already second place. When she called he should have said he'd find her a place to live, nothing more.
Mother needs to be out of the home. And your partner needs therapy to understand why he is letting this horrible woman ruin his life and relationship.
Oh, and if she crashes his car, guess who will be liable? YOU. She doesn't believe you when you tell her she'll be out of there if she is abusive. And it sounds like your partner won't kick her out.
Mother is not and shouldn't be your problem (or his). It's obviously not working out. If he refuses to get Mother out of the house, then you need to go. If and when she is removed from the home, then you and your cat can return.
Do not let your cat around this crazy, evil woman. I'm dead serious. She sounds like someone mean enough to abuse or kill it. It's not safe for either of you.
The woman threatened you and you are in fear for yourself and the cat. Your marriage to her son will not change that.
You don't have a marriage. You don't have a mother-in-law. You don't have safety in your home.
RUN!
”MIL” is trying to make things as uncomfortable as possible for OP, so OP leaves.
” Get to the chopper!”.
”Scotty, beam me up.”
Just be aware that: living with an abuser (MIL), you’ll just get more and more abused. She’ll never stop. After the first sign of disrespect towards you, she’ll just do more and more; every year worse. She wants you to break down. She wants to torture you. That’s what abusers do. They know they’re cruel and THEY DON’T CARE.
These are truly wise words. It’s only when someone’s back is up against the wall and they are faced with having to make the really important decisions that we find out what they are made of.
So far, he is flunking the test he has been given. He isn’t protecting her or his relationship with her.
He needs help to disentangle his life from hers. This is not a good footing on which to start a marriage, much less a family.
You made a mistake. This is not the life you want. Give your partner an ultimatum: her or you. When he TAKES ACTION and gets her out of his house, then you can consider a future with him again. Until then, you're being naive.
I hope this blunt answer helps.
But OP gets something out of this, too: a place to stay, a roof over her head.
If OP had lots of money, of course she would have left the house already. No one wants to live in an abusive situation.
OP is trying to kick out MIL.
MIL is trying to kick out OP.
The house belongs to the boyfriend. He decides.
We had fallen in love, he knew that in spite of his mother’s wishes (demands harangues assaults threats……..etc) he DID NOT want to be a priest, would not have been a good or sincere priest and wanted to be a married man with a family.
We made our plans, married and bought a house in the same community as his mother’s (but not safe walking distance).
There was NEVER any question in my mind or HIS concerning the role of his mother or my role, in his life.
My MIL also leveled horrifying threats against me. I didn’t take them seriously. I saw her as a pathetic figure, never trusted her for a second, encouraged my very young children to love her and treat her with respect and good manners, but had she lived long enough I would have been honest about her shortcomings and let them know in simple terms that she’d been “difficult” with me. She actually died when they were only 3 and 5, so that problem never arose.
I love my husband even more today than I did when we were first married. From my experience, your husband appears to be unready to enter a committed marriage with you. If you choose to do so you can inform him that you need a full and freely offered commitment and see how he reacts.
If he hedges, it’s probably in your best interest to leave now. Tragic for you both, but the why should you see yourself as second to the woman who runs his life.
Best hopes for you as you proceed.
It’s so sad that the OP and her partner are starting out their lives with a miserable mother horning in on everything!
This won’t end well for the OP if she stays or if her partner doesn’t choose her.
Young couples don’t need to start out with a mom on board. It’s hard enough if it happens later on in life.