Mom is 82, resides alone in a rural area. I live nearby thus much but not all falls to me in caregiving. Our family dynamic has been she favored my brother and his family. To the point of buying a house, free for them about 15 years ago. My understanding was he helped mom out handyman type situations. (I wasn't included in the loop.) Fast forward to now.
Mom has lost her filters and is hateful,mean and disagrees to bathe, change clothes etc. Only if my brother comes, will she go along with him, most of the time. He resides over an hr away and works FT and has a lot of vacations and other things he does. Brother gets frustrated with me because I can't get mom on board with something and blames me frequently for his having to drive down to take her to the Dr or Groc. Etc...
Last month, after he and I had words over the situation again, I ended up in the hospital for a week. UTI and mental exhaustion. Burnout. (I'm a retired nurse but as always, my care comes last. Even my mom expresses that. Yep. Lol..) Mom runs me down verbally and accuses me of stealing frequently. She was not openly kind or loving towards me thru the years but this abusive nature has left me completely empty. Especially if my brother gets on my case about helping her.
He recently became her POA and moved $20,000 into his name only. She insisted that I was stealing checks and buying food. Which I had to laugh about. I wasn't but he and she were shopping and she forgets. Or she gives him funds, then I take the blame for the transaction. It got insane. I have recently tried to explain to him and her how I feel about their treatment etc. Typically, he says nothing. Mom will mock me and tell me what a jealous hateful daughter I am and "poor pitiful you" and get hateful. For almost a year I have tried to set up a contract to work for her and receive small pay as I have as a nurse. Only to have her refuse to pay me or something like that. He tries to ignore the fact that I should even consider being paid. Which is hurtful because he plays up the Golden child image which denegrates me to her.
Today, I can barely get my mind going I'm so despondent and just ready to give up.
My children are far away in other states and are weary of hearing about Grandma. Especially my son, "it is just drama and he doesn't want anything to do with it". When I was hospitalized, I thought I had a handle on this. Now a month later I'm struggling so very bad.
I agree with the others. You need to remove yourself from this situation. Your brother has been given the responsibility (POA) to deal with all this. Under the circumstances by all means let him do it whether he wants to or not! Let him pay the bills, use Moms money to repair Septic or anything else.
He’s a busy guy. Tough. Let him figure it out.
I also agree, go visit your kids. But, don’t go on and on about grandma. I suspect it’s not that they don’t care but that they are tired of hearing the same story and you are not taking any steps to change your involvement.
Save yourself. Get out of this mess now.
I hope you find the strength to do this
You do not deserve this abuse. Believe me, you r not the only one on this forum who isn't going thru the same thing.
Your health is not worth it. You will never please these people. Take back your life.
Additionally, she could easily kick me to the curb and I'd be homeless !! Not a good idea.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness and timely response.
Again. Walk away.
BTW: If your brother used POA to transfer $20,000 to himself then he is guilty of elder abuse and could go to jail. Once he became POA, Mom's gifting should have ended.
Orginally, I was out of the money loop and was under the impression that a spend down was in process. But I am so weary and exhausted from all of the phone calls from mom to come and help her get up or something. Then I get there and the power is off or the septic tank system is not working or......and I am supposed to help in addition to "pay for it". I am worn flat out.