Follow
Share

How can I continue caring for my 75-year-old alcoholic and narcissistic husband? I am his 73-year-old wife and am tired of the insults, the abuse, and the careless attitude he has. We have been married for 32 years. I never realized some people have "addictive personalities" - they must be addicted to something unhealthy regardless of how it can damage those around them. From being completely incontinent, refusing to wear pull-ups, no longer taking showers, not genuinely caring about anything, and hardly eating, to thinking he can drive and make important decisions, he is driving me insane. My children (from another man) do not want anything to do with him. He ended up in the hospital for 1 week due to a gastric bleed at home. After the hospital stay, the doctor recommended a rehab facility with physical and occupational therapy. He "escaped" and tried to thumb a ride back home, he refused to eat, and was, in general, an uncooperative patient. The facility asked me to come and pick him up as he was unruly and difficult and there was nothing more, they could do to help him. He has no other family but me. I can no longer live like this! I am healthy, very tired of this abuse and situation, and have years of life left in me. What do I do?

Can you live on your own? If so, I may just get divorced. I would claim abuse, I think the divorce goes quicker. Just a thought, if you get him diagnoised with Dementia, which I think he has, then as the wife you have some responsibility here. Divorced, you can call APS and allow them to evaluate him and taken over his care by having the State assign a guardian to him. You may not be able to divorce him if you have him declared incompetent because then he can't sign the paperwork.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

I'm sorry that you felt you had to tolerate your husbands abuse for 32 years. That is heartbreaking to me.
But lucky for you there is a way to stop the absurdity. You start by calling 911 and tell them that you believe that your husband has a UTI because he's been acting weird and something must be wrong(and yes you'll have to lie about that) and that you want him taken to the hospital.
Then after they examine him and tell you that he doesn't have a UTI, you tell them that your husband CANNOT return home because you are not safe with him at home and that he is an "unsafe discharge."
You keep saying it to them until they have no choice but to find the appropriate facility to place your husband in.
And then you get on with living and enjoying your life, and even divorce your husband if you so choose. You've already given this man way too many years of your life, I'm not sure I would give him much more.
Your husband will now have to live with the choices he made and lie in the bed that he has made for himself.
And I don't feel sorry for him one bit, and neither should you.
Best wishes in getting on with your life and putting yourself first for once.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Leave….there is a reason your children don’t like him after 32 years…. Perhaps it’s time to listen to them?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Adler2ndborn
Report

We really aren't marriage counselors here on AC; we're involved with AgingCare issues. I would suggest you attend Al-Anon for best support. I think you'll find it your best support. The folks in AA have been there. They know and have best advice and best support. I wish you the very best of luck.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

Alcoholics can get a specific type of dementia: Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome (aka "wet brain"). It comes from thiamine (vitamin B1) deficiency due to the alcohol use. It can be treated if caught early enough, but he has to comply with getting diagnosed and then taking the vitamins (and stops drinking, of course). It can lead to permanent vision changes, imbalance and gait impairment and brain damange (dementia) and the person will need facility care.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

After writing that post, I thought some more about why you have come to this point, after 32 years (!) of marriage. Your very difficult husband may well be in the early stages of dementia. It might be worth trying for a ‘medical’ approach, rather than the ‘divorce’ approach. A dementia diagnosis from your doctor might help, particularly with medication to stop him “thinking he can drive and make important decisions”. If he is “completely incontinent, refusing to wear pull-ups, no longer taking showers and...is hardly eating”, you are the one who is ‘propping him up’ to manage at home. If you stop ‘helping him’, APS might be willing to step in - even if there is no POA paperwork in place.

If you go to a lawyer, ask about separating assets, which preserves your half if he goes into care. You have my sympathy, from someone who also faced divorce in a very difficult situation. If you have ever cared, it is not an easy step to take.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

Clearly you need to walk away or get him out, change the locks and make the separation stick. Who owns the house, or holds the lease? You need a lawyer, but there may be easier ways than divorce. If you know he is an alcoholic, there is no need to argue with anyone about 'addictive personality'.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

Divorce him. Then if he won't leave the house, you leave. APS can take care of him when he gets bad enough. He'll become a ward of a court-appointed legal guardian.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter