My mother in law is in her late 60s, has some health issues but nothing debilitating. She lives with us 7 months or so out of the year. My issue is, she has no life of her own. No friends, no hobbies, and literally won’t leave the house without one of us. She is dependent on us for her emotional & social needs ( refuses to meet anyone her own age) and it’s taxing , given that my husband works full time and I’m raising young children. My biggest issue is that she monopolizes my husband's time. She will either tag along with him everywhere, talk over me and the kids, complain he ignores her etc. She intentionally interrupts our conversations to ask unimportant questions. She even interrupts the children. It’s difficult to set boundaries because she throws massive tantrums. We are very stressed, my husband especially. Though she’s only in her late 60s , she acts much more helpless then she is, and seems to purposely not take care of her health for attention. I suspect early dementia as her social awareness seems to be diminishing daily; she is really like another child.
How can I accept that she won’t change and that I’ll have to share my time with my husband like this?
Your children do not need to be exposed to her, they will take their childhood into adulthood and very well harbor resentment towards you in the future.
Sit down with your husband map out a plan and then follow through with it. There are options. Good Luck!
And if she is with you 7 months, that means for 5 she is somewhere else. When does she leave next? I am guessing it is some type of snowbird arrangement?
What I would do... get her out the door to wherever she goes when she isn’t with you, THEN you and hubs can help her plan where she will go INSTEAD OF COMING BACK. She can use the time away to figure out an appropriate living situation... one that isn’t your home.
You are in a better position than most because she will be expecting to pack up and go somewhere else. Let her.
I would NOT give any indication that you are thinking of changing things for now and while she is still there. None. Let her get out of your home first. Then, everyone can come at the situation with a clear head for problem-solving without the stress/pressure/mind games that her presence currently brings to the table.
If you and DH talk about it, do not do it at home or around the kids. It is amazing how people who have this type of personality pick up on stuff like this. She may try to say she isn’t going wherever she goes this year... you don’t want that to happen.
I would also write down, daily, ALL of the problems. DH may get amnesia once she is gone for a week or two and balk at refusing to let her come back. “It wasn’t that bad... can’t we just try once more... she says she will behave”. What you want - and what your mutual goal should be - is to 1) get her out from on top of you, your marriage, and your kids and 2) once she is out, for DH to help point her to resources that SHE can use to make alternate arrangements. She has a generous 5 months to do so, which should be a problem for nobody.
DH needs to be clear that it isn’t working and staying with you and your young family is no longer an option. He needs to be succinct and kind, but not engage in arguing or be defensive.
He needs to be strong and get over the guilt... he needs to prioritize his wife and kids over his mother’s anger. She sounds like the person who will be angry anyway... let her... it’s way easier to take when it isn’t blackening your home life.
Expecting to live in your own home in peace is not expecting too much.
You both have been kind and generous to share your home, for a time. But, the time has come for change. And change happens to all of us.
I am sure this sounds harsh, but it really is more of a firm way of handling someone who is taking advantage of her son and his wife.
For you and DH and kids, someone upthread mentioned getting out more... do it. Creating your own private moments is NOT being selfish. It is normal.
Also, don't give in to her temper tantrums. That's only enabling her. Boundaries need to have concrete consequences for being broken. Boundaries are not meant to change another person although they might. Boundaries are meant to protect you and your family.
I strongly encourage you to see a therapist for guidance in this situation. I don't know how old your children are, but if they are getting stressed out over this, then they each need a therapist too.
I wish you the best. Your situation is not easy at all.
Can she live alone, or be left alone?
I suggest you exercise your smarts and your rights to a relationship with your husband. You do not have to complain to him or be deceitful. Take charge of the time. Plan to meet him after work for dinner. (He does not come home first, you sneak out?). Do not talk about it or allow Mil to know. Start by taking afternoon walks, so she expects you to be gone awhile.
Next, meet the children on their way home from school, take them to an early dinner out. Gradually increase your time away from the house (it's spring grandma, the kids need to be out!).
If hubs will not cooperate with fun, secret meet ups, you and the kids go and have fun. It will become apparent he is being left behind, having dinner alone with his mother.
Someone said here a while back, its not enabling its disabling. I am 70, so MIL should be able to be on her own.
Your kids are going to think that talking over others and interrupting others is OK. You children deserve to be heard and you can nice say to MIL, please allow Johnny to finish what he is saying.