OldMarriedMan Asked December 2016
Who is caring for the caregiver?
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I am with ,ah, Two young for this, and her observations. This guy (?) is trolling perhaps.
Thanks for the laugh today.."$400 online( sex porn) therapist.." too funny
I think earlier posters have got a bit distracted by your one-liner about needing your therapist to talk about 'not enough sex.' Since you described how you missed your mother because she always knew what to say to make you feel better, I concluded that this was a ho-ho one-liner intended to lighten the mood, and not a serious summary of what your crisis was about. Well, that'll teach you...
Living with someone who has lost the capacity for intimacy, for one reason or another, can feel very lonely indeed. And I appreciate that you chaps are not traditionally good at talking about real feelings and real meanings. But I did observe, while my exSO was going through prostate cancer treatment, that if a man will make the first move and *talk* to his friends about what is really happening, he might be surprised at how willing they are to reciprocate.
So, for example: how many of your male friends aren't telling you what's really happening in their lives? Could you maybe start a constructive trend?
Also one needs to realize prescription medication can have a variety of side effects, such as having no interest in being intimate with their partner, and being exhausted. Nothing is going to change that. Helping the partner out with household chores you become a knight in shining armor which will be remembered for a long time, especially after the medical situation has been cleared.
OldMarariedMan, sounds like you had found the perfect therapist. Sometime we have to test drive a few therapists before finding a good match. I did too, someone who was of my age group who had taken care of her elderly Mom, thus someone who could honestly say "I know how you feel". All of my friends had disappeared once I started to help my very aging parents years ago, I never had time even for a phone call or time to spend an afternoon with them. Caregiving throws you into a whole different world.
I went through many losses as my husband's health deteriorated. One was his inability to drive. He LOVED driving! I loved cooking and baking. I would bake cakes for my grandchildren and he would drive all over delivering them. I made full means for a family dealing with cancer, he'd deliver them. We were both happy. When he couldn't drive it was a big blow to both of us.
Loss of our sex life was another huge blow to both of us. I tried to maintain some intimacy in other ways, but it is incredibly hard to have an equal partner turn into a dependent. Nobody was going to send me a sympathy card over this, but close friends did commiserate. And no one called my concerns trivial.
Most people on this forum are caring for a parent. The loss of a sex life is simply not something they can relate to. Another barrier here is that most of us are permanent caregivers. I cared for my husband for ten years, until he died. Nothing was ever going to get better -- there would be more and more losses.
The fact that your situation is temporary is very different. Apparently your wife will recover. You will have a chance to repair the damage to your intimacy. I am so glad. I'm glad you are in therapy now and aren't sitting around seething in resentment. Perhaps when your wife is fully recovered some couples' therapy will also be helpful.
OMM, I do empathize with both of your issues. Been there, mourned that. But frustration with a therapist and temporary loss of intimacy are not really issues about caregiving. I am not sure this is an ideal forum for you, but that is for you to judge. If it is helpful, hang in here. If not, do search out another outlet. There are lots of online support groups to consider.
Keep up the good work with therapy, and I wish you the best in improving your marriage long-term.
There are in addition other male posters who've created threads which were well supported by the same posters who made comments on this thread, comments which you excoriate, along with the posters.
Your judgmental attitude suggests to me that you haven't read enough of the variety of threads here to draw that conclusion logically. Perhaps you should. Look up Dmanbro's threads. Read them - ALL of them.
You're guilty of making the same judgmental conclusions of which you accuse many of us.
I stand corrected; although I don't know more about your situation and don't need to, the fact that your wife has been suffering with back pain explains a lot, as well as your comments about sharing your thoughts with the women in your life.
That's a courageous omission. Many men would be loathe to admit first of all that they discuss their feelings with women, and secondly that they have the concern you have about a healthy sexual relationship.
In retrospect, I think that the tenor of the times and your wife's back problems were factors in the tone that was conveyed in this and your other thread. That's all we know; that's all the information on which we could base responses.
And those kinds of posts frequently appear, sucking in posters who are trying to help w/o realizing that the thread was started to draw us into a quagmire. Some people are very immature and exploit the compassion that most posters here have.
I do think that becoming a regular here, posting more often, would help coping skills (which we all need!), as well as be an example of sharing the courage that you did in addressing our criticism.
My own lack of intimacy goes deeper than a quick surgical fix (not that back issues aren't serious), as my FIL moved in 13 years ago, when my husband and I were in our 40's, and still had an active sex life. Well, throw that out the window, as just having him in our home added enough stress, to cause a definite decrease in interest, and the ever present wondering if he could "hear us", a certain amount of performance anxiety on my husband's part, so you see, many of us miss, that level of intimacy in many different ways, it is still important, but we have to find ways to work around it!
Being long term cargivers, we learned to give up a Lot, friends, help from family members, who you expected different from, alone time, travel, job security, financial loss, and our independence, and this may even have happened to you at some point, or even may still, and you haven't quite gotten to that point yet, but being as your wife will recover, my suggestions to you are, to be patient, be her knight in shining armour, as one poster put it, she won't forget it, and will reward you for it. Back rubs, cuddling, just holding hands and a loving gesture won't go unnoticed, and can be reciprocated, even while she is recovering. Be thankful that she will hopefully one day be back to her own self, and cater to her every need in the meantime. Being a good caregiver is something we all sign on for when we do marry, "in sickness and in health", and all that. There may be a day when you are the patient in need of her good services, and there is no time like the present, to practice putting your own needs last, behind that of the one you are caring for.
I do agree with you, sex is important and I miss that level of intimacy that my husband and I took for granted, and can now only get in snippets, when we think the Old Man we care for is truly zonked out, lol! I only hope that when the time comes that he is no longer with us, that our get up and go, hasn't got up and left, and there is still a mutual interest! Stay tuned, as it is still to be determined, as the old coot could live to be 100! That's life, You've got to work around these things!
As for the aggressive comments, take no notice, as people can only respond to that information they are given. If there's more to the story, you gotta share to get the best advice, and the good thing here is that it's all anonymous! 😉
It is Christmas Eve! I would like to send all my fellow caregivers a huge hug and thanks for being a caregiver that gives and understands. Wish we could all have our own party! :) Merry Christmas and know someone is thinking of you and appreciating you! Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men and Women! :)